Disappointed with birthday trip

[Holidaybluees]

NC as I’m ashamed of how I’m feeling. DP booked us a cruise for my milestone birthday this summer. It’s going to two city locations in Europe. He’s put a lot of thought into it and couldn’t wait to tell me about it. I’m incredibly grateful he’s booked something but I’m so sad at the same time. For his milestone birthday last year I took him to Europe (beach holiday) and we went to a water park as he loves them. 5 star all inclusive adults only hotel. The cruise he’s booked is adult only but we only get less than a full day in each location.

I love a beach holiday and water sports like jet skiing so whilst I’m so grateful I’m so confused about what he’s booked. My birthday is in the summer so I said I didn’t mind going away later in the year when flights are cheaper. I assumed this made it clear I wanted a beach holiday (like for like) but clearly I wasn’t clear enough as there’s no flights involved for my trip.

I don’t know what to do and I’ve felt a bit teary today as it feels like he doesn’t know me at all. One of the places we’re going to is on my list of holidays but it’s not where I’d go for a big birthday. I have no interest in the other city. I don’t know if I can say anything to him without seeming like a bitch but I’m so deflated. Should I say something or suck it up?

No, because he will just keep booking things that don’t make Op happy if he isn’t told.

Love should mean being able to be honest.

I think you’re blowing mumsnet minds!!

I'm not mindblown, but I do think OP is being a tad ungrateful. She got exactly what she asked for, a surprise, to one place she has said she wants to visit doing something she has said she wants to do - he obviously put some thought into it. She isn't being asked to do something unpleasant (although it is coming across that way to some of us on here) and she might like it if or when she goes. Slightly missing the mark when giving a gift isn't an indication that the other person doesn't understand/get you at all, they just made a slight error. They obviously go on a fair few holidays, so one that is a bit different wouldn't be that devastating (to me) in the scheme of things.

In OP's shoes I would "suck it up" not because I am not prioritising my own wants/internalised mysogyny but because a) I'd be genuinely grateful. b) I would want to give it a try and c) I wouldn't want to hurt DH's feelings. It would have to be something I really really hated for me to raise it with him. But then we have a grown up, loving and equal partnership and I'm a grown woman.

As for the 30th birthday argument going on upthread: I'm an old fart, but DH took me away for a surprise long weekend for my 30th back in the dark ages. It was a genuine surprise where I had no idea where I was going until I got to the boarding lounge at the airport.

I'm baffled by the people who think he has been thoughtful. You don't get it so wrong when you're thoughtful.

My first thought was that you were being spoilt and ungrateful, but when you described it further, I think you may have a point. A 3/4 day cruise from Southampton to Amsterdam and Bruges does not sound great to me. You could have a much better holiday flying to Amsterdam and taking a day trip on the train to Bruges (which is great, btw, put in on your list of places to go). If he wanted to surprise you with a cruise, he could have got one in the Med., such as Greek islands, Italy, Croatia. Then you would have had something new and different but also with heat and sun. Southhampton-Amsterdam-Bruges it could be raining non-stop.

I would also wonder why he booked it if I were you. I would have my suspicions that price played a larger role than thinking over what you want, and that his excitement is an attempt to get to go along with this without complaining....

I’m not sure why you’re getting so much stick here. Presumably because most people posting are over the age of 60.
I would be baffled by a cruise to Amsterdam and Bruges! I could fly to Amsterdam in 45 mins and spend a night there. I don’t see how it’s a holiday type of place.
I don’t think he’s a bad person who has been selfish. I think he’s just got caught up in possibly what he thinks sounds fun, without considering what you would want. Has he watched “In Bruges” recently? 😂
i think you should gently probe him with some questions to see why he decided on that trip in the hope it’ll put some doubt in his mind.
But overall you may need to graciously accept this trip and then plan another one of your choosing!

https://amp.smh.com.au/traveller/inspiration/the-verdict-on-richard-branson-s-first-adults-only-ship-down-under-20240109-p5ew2a.html

This is the ship (reviewed in Aus but specified as the one sailing on your itinerary this summer OP). It’s very new.

Oh no! Your partner takes the cost into consideration when choosing which mini break to book? How dare he.

I think this pretty much hits the mark.

As for your expectation it would be 'like for like' in terms of destination that's probably exactly why he didn't book the same kind of holiday - he probably thought 'well we always go to the beach and if I do the same thing as she organised for my birthday it won't look like I've put much effort in. Because it's a big occasion I'll book something completely different that she hasn't done before (but has expressed an interest in doing), so it will really stand out. Otherwise if I just book the same 'sunny beach' holiday there will be nothing different to my birthday or any of the other holidays we've been on and in ten years she probably won't even remember where we went for her 30th.'

Saying that it doesn't seem like the greatest package and if the cost is hugely less than yours that does seem unfair in a 'like for like' deal (particularly if you pay for birthday holidays individually) so I can understand that part. And I think 30th is considered by most to be a big birthday, all '0' bdays from 30 plus are?

It's a surprise holiday for a special birthday. Not something he's going to be doing regularly, like buying the wrong brand of coffee.

And 30 is a milestone for lots of people. I’ve been to many big 30th birthday parties. I went to Los Angeles for mine.

The thought of most my special trip being spent on the North Sea/English Channel would make me bloody depressed.

This post is crying out to be picked up by the DM or another high class media institution ...

All the more reason for it to be something OP wants. A 3/4 day cruise trip to Bruges from Portsmouth compared to the holiday OP treated him to? No contest.

I think you should give him more credit. You've mentioned you want to go to these cities, you've mentioned you want to try a cruise. He's put that all together and thought it would be nice for you to try something new for your big birthday rather than something you do regularly that was too similar to what you planned for him.

Think you need to be honest, frame it well and say you appreciate him listening to your cues and planning something different but this isn't what you envisioned, a beach holiday is really what you want.

Then watch the hurt in his eyes as he realises he's tried so hard and failed.

Some of the things folks write, it’s so utterly cringe, 😂😂 over the age of 60, and like it’s supposed to be an insult. I’m not close to sixty never mind over it, but I’m sure if I was my opinion would be valid. And I doubt it’s a bunch of pensioners posting

you have also clearly never been to Amsters and have no idea on the place.

Presumably because most people posting are over the age of 60.

@EmilyTjP
Because most people over the age of 60 don't see 30 as being a milestone birthday?

Or because you are being ageist?

I went to work on my 30th birthday.
However, we did have two holidays that year, just not on my birthday, but I didn't behave like a spoiled six year old because we didn't go away on my birthday.

@AGoingConcern has hit the nail on the head. The hints you dropped covered the holiday that has been booked. If you had wanted something different you should have spelled it out.

I agree.
I'm shocked at OPs attitude.
The fucking privilege!

I think you should be ashamed of yourself.

Think yourself lucky.

I didn’t have a partner when I turned 30 and the only present I got was a fitted sheet from my mum.

Omg literally what's even particularly special about being 30? Sounds all very transactional.

Did your husband particularly want the beach holiday for his birthday? Or was that more your idea of fun? Maybe he would have preferred the cruise. I guess that way, you each would have got what you wanted for the others birthday, so like for like,just as you wanted.

😂

it’s 5 days, she says she wanted a cruise and she wanted amsters , so instead of doing the same old beach trip he booked this as a surprise, in what she says is a fabulous ship. So something different and fun for them to go as a couple for her 30th and much more memorable that another trip

clearly he didn’t realise it was beach or nothing, and she wasn’t open to something different, although I think he’s about to find out,

I hope it was a vair expensive silk sheet. And if it wasn’t I hope you told her she was a fucking disappointment 😉

You are absolutely allowed to feel how you feel.

Its a lot of money to waste on something you didn't want or never expressed a wish for. Even though it's his treat it's still out of the big marital pot.

It leaves you wondering if your partner, who you share your life with, discuss your plans, dreams and hopes with, possibly doesn't give you his full attention, and really knows you as well as you thought he did.

I agree with other posters who said to try and ask where he's coming from with this plan. You might be able to make changes without loss of deposit, or find out what thr options are on the cruise to maximise your enjoyment?