Disappointed with birthday trip

[Holidaybluees]

NC as I’m ashamed of how I’m feeling. DP booked us a cruise for my milestone birthday this summer. It’s going to two city locations in Europe. He’s put a lot of thought into it and couldn’t wait to tell me about it. I’m incredibly grateful he’s booked something but I’m so sad at the same time. For his milestone birthday last year I took him to Europe (beach holiday) and we went to a water park as he loves them. 5 star all inclusive adults only hotel. The cruise he’s booked is adult only but we only get less than a full day in each location.

I love a beach holiday and water sports like jet skiing so whilst I’m so grateful I’m so confused about what he’s booked. My birthday is in the summer so I said I didn’t mind going away later in the year when flights are cheaper. I assumed this made it clear I wanted a beach holiday (like for like) but clearly I wasn’t clear enough as there’s no flights involved for my trip.

I don’t know what to do and I’ve felt a bit teary today as it feels like he doesn’t know me at all. One of the places we’re going to is on my list of holidays but it’s not where I’d go for a big birthday. I have no interest in the other city. I don’t know if I can say anything to him without seeming like a bitch but I’m so deflated. Should I say something or suck it up?

Yes, she said the "surprise" was the destination.

Anyway, my point is that this is the equivalent of deciding to, say, choose each other a new car, the DH choosing one for the OP having ignored her usual taste, and a whole thread of posters going "Aw, bless him, how thoughtful to buy you a car at all, I'm lucky if I get flowers." The starting point for this gift was a holiday, not 0.

The cruise is 5 days with around 18 hours in Amsterdam and 9 hours in Bruges. The rest of the time is at sea

I’ve looked at the itinerary online. You’re deliberately describing it to make it sound bad.

In actual fact what you do is embark in Portsmouth at a very civilised 4pm and sail at 6.
You have the whole of the next day at sea, arriving Amsterdam 6pm so in time to go out in the city that evening.
You have the whole next day in Amsterdam and sail for Bruges (Zeebrugge port) at 6pm.
Bruges the next day, back on the ship that evening, a whole day and evening at sea and disembark Portsmouth after breakfast the following day.

That’s two evenings and two days at sea, but these Virgin ships are all about the food and entertainment so they are marketing it in the same vein to being at an all-inclusive resort where you stay in the resort all day, with the bonus of using that time to get to a new place. And obviously you’re asleep during much of the sailing time too. It’s not like twiddling your thumbs on a car ferry. Based on my experience of things like the Virgin Upper Class lounge I’d expect everything on board (especially food) to be very high standard and well thought-through. They probably have all sorts of special treats for passengers who have birthdays during the cruise if they are asked. I’d be more sceptical about a cruise on a more traditional cruise line.

I’m rolling my eyes a bit about you having “a list” of acceptable destinations and the very definitive “zero interest in Bruges”.

You don’t sound like you are short of money between you and you don’t have to use annual leave for childcare. Why not go into this one as something a bit different and have a beach holiday later in the year? I think that it would be a bit dull just to go on exactly the sort of holiday you have done before and declare it the “birthday trip”.

Exactly this. This is bizarre thread, so ungrateful

I would speak to him, and I understand why you're upset. It's more the fact that he doesn't seem to know you and hasnt gine to the same effort you did for him.
You'll get resentful if you swallow your feelings and pretend you're happy. If you love each other you should be able to discuss it like adults, without hurt feelings clouding it.
I'm sure you'll be able to cancel it or transfer it if you do it ASAP. It may only be a very small deposit, in which case maybe it's worth taking the hit?

Hope you work it out.

No I am only floored that OP knew what she wanted, but rather than telling him or booking it herself, she simpers “surprise me” and then gets teary because his mind reading is not up to scratch.

I usually have clear ideas on what I want on my birthday, where I want to go on holiday, what restaurant I want to eat at, what activities I want to do, so I communicate that loud and clear and / or book it myself.

But in the unlikely event that I would tell my husband to surprise me, I am very sure I would be open minded and gracious about whatever surprise he came up with.

Why have you deduced that he made less effort? I would if anything say he went to more effort as he didn’t book the same old beach holiday that OP always picks.

Just go and experience it, you may be won over. You can do hot trips at other times. Not sure which line it is but you can also see if you like cruises before committing to spending xxx on a fly cruise.

This Christmas my SO bought me an item I’ve been thinking of buying for a very long time but wanted to buy for myself. I told him a few months before my birthday (sometime in spring) to please not buy that item. He listened.

well, come Christmas he bought it.
he got my size, ordered it to a friend’s house, went to secretly get it etc. And was so incredibly pleased to surprise me with the item I’ve been wanting to get!

My face was definitely a bit… flabbergasted when I opened it. And whilst I initially tried to appear pleased I later had a little cry (because I felt like he didn’t listen to me/thought he knew better). Because I felt like my Christmas gift was so much more thoughtful than his.

so I calmed down and asked him the next day. He did not buy it because he felt like he knew better or intentionally disregarded my wishes but because he simply forgot.
He remembered that I had repeatedly thought about buying the item in autumn and even December but ultimately never bought it because it felt like an unjustified expense. And he simply forgot that I had told him before my birthday that I wanted to buy it for myself.

is it possible that something similar happened with your DH? You’ve talked about the cruise, about one of the cities… and he simply forgot that you’ve also communicated other preferences?
The comment about flights meaning that you absolutely wanted a beach holiday wouldn’t be something I’d pick up on either, btw.

I decided to do my best to enjoy my present and now I’m absolutely thrilled with it tbh. That was primarily possible because I had an open and honest conversation with my SO, felt heard and understood his thoughts behind the present.

@Aprilx I haven't decided anything.... it is how the op said she feels.

I’m not into the MN pile ons, but this thread is something else. And you need a major attitude adjustment, OP.

Particularly your updates on not being expected to be grateful because some people have shit partners, and telling your DH because if more women stood up for themselves then they wouldn’t have shit partners … these are so out of touch, I can hardly believe a grown adult would draw those comparisons and be able to keep a straight face.

No one is saying you should be grateful for something simply because some people have husbands who don’t even buy them a card. They are highlighting the compounding layers of why you should be feeling gratitude here:

• you’re only 30 and, most likely, have many more birthdays, big and small, to come
• you have the health to do these trips
• you have the money to do multiple luxury trips
• you have a husband who took the initiative and incentive to plan something for you
• you have a husband who was joyful at the thought of surprising you and making you happy

If you can’t find joy and gratitude enough in the above to not go and experience your holiday with an open mind and joy, then I feel sorry for your husband in having this sort of partner. You’re not 8 years old – no one has to organise the birthday party of your dreams lest you stamp your feet. If you want a specific holiday, to the point where you will throw a tantrum if you don’t what you want, then use your adult voice and tell DH exactly what you want him to book. He’s not a mind reader and he shouldn’t have to experience hurt feelings and any loss of time, effort or money because you have an entitled and ungrateful attitude.

You very clearly have many holidays ahead of you. You’ve got this one wrong and an overwhelming amount of posters have told you the same – there’s a reason for that.

I initially thought you were being a bit spoilt, but when you said the destinations I kind of understand. On one hand, looking back in the husband and celebration i had for my 30th inwould have been delighted with the thought and cost...even if it wasn't something that blew me away. However, it seems that there is more of a back story here so I get your disappointment. I don't think I would.enjoy it. I think I would find out what the deposit actually is and if it's not a massive amount approach to say that you love him for the planning g he has put in but you just don't fancy it. Then book something else together. You may even be able to transfer to another cruise in the Caribbean...although you may need to save a little longer. Only you knownhow he will take this.
Alternatively, suck it up as one of life's first world disappointments...maybe laugh about it a bit and move on. C'est la vie and all that.
When the next big birthday comes along make sure you suggest that you choose something together so there are no nasty surprises. Good luck OP, you'll probably laugh about this in future years!

"I don't want I don't want! I don't want!"

You sound about 8 years old.

This is why we don’t do surprises.

No, Virgin cruises are marketed to a much younger demographic.

I agree. All this talk about being 'assertive' not putting up and shutting up' just seems wildly inappropriate here. The OP's partner hasn't done anything bad or selfish. He has simply surprised the OP with a holiday that is not exactly to her taste. Is that really such a big deal? Especially when the OP has several holidays a year? It's fine to feel mildly disappointed and think 'oh well, I'd have preferred something a bit different'. It's not fine to feel hugely resentful, or compare it to situations where other posters husbands have done really shit stuff, or to insist the partner changes it.
Who knows? Maybe he was a bit disappointed that the OP's present to him was a bit 'same old, same old' and not really a surprise, but he just sucked it up because it was a nice present and not that big a deal in the greater scheme of things?

She is allowed to feel how she feels and in a good relationship, you should be able to talk to each other if you aren't happy about something. By "the same effort", I was referring to him choosing her ideal break, which he hasn't, so it feels to her like he either doesn't know her that well or hasn't put the same level of effort into getting it right.

@Holidaybluees OP, I would speak to him, and tell him that whilst you appreciate the effort, it's not really the kind of break you'd hoped for, and see if you can work something out.

It seems a lot of people's bars are so low as to be grateful for anything, but that's not a good thing.

You sound really immature. Many people your age won’t be getting cruises or any kind of trip for their 30th. Practice some gratitude.

Genuinely not jealous.

I think you're being foolish.

He's been thoughtful and generous. I think perhaps you have a tendancy to be controlling.

Try to roll with this one. Try to appreciate the thought and effort he put into this. It will be such a great opportunity for you to grow, to let someone else lead, to find gratitude.

Don't spoil this.

Why is 50th more important than 30th? Going into another decade is a big milestone. It’s another chapter in your life. I know several people who didn’t make it out their thirties so celebrate it in style if you want to.

Having said that OP, I think having a change and trying something new as you are entering a new stage if your life sounds good. You’re obviously quite adventurous so go with it and see what happens. Lots of big ships have water sports onboard with surfing simulators etc. Cruises by very nature are on the sea! They do dock so get off when you can and get a taxi to the nearest beach.

30 is a milestone birthday imo.

When we went on a cruise last year the place I was most looking forward to was a disappointment whereas the one I felt a bit meh about ended up being my favourite, so you never know you could love Bruges. I have heard it’s a beautiful city.

In this situation, I think you were best to say what you wanted as in pick the hotel to avoid disappointment. I am a control freak and for this reason I can never have surprises as they never live up to what I envisage in my head.

YANBU, OP, I get it. DH knows me and knows I hate city breaks (New York left me cold) so he would never book a city break or city cruise without checking.

It sounds like he’s booked what he wants to do.

Absolutely tell him you’re disappointed. The people telling you to suck it up are expecting you to swallow your own disappointment to make HIM feel better. Fuck that. Tell him today. Maybe he hasn’t booked it yet.

But surely genuine love DOES mean sometimes swallowing your own disappointment to make your partner feel better? Especially when they think they've done a really nice thing for you?

What facilities does the cruise ship have? Surely it has a pool? Is this one of those virgin ones?

It’s up to you whether or not you talk to him, but I’m not sure why it’s such a big deal. You’ve said that you have money to spend on holidays, so surely you can go on one more to your taste next year? And this year will be trying something different.

Leaving school, leaving college, changing jobs, moving abroad, getting married, buying a new house are all moving into new chapters in your life. Turning 30 really isn't.