Disappointed with birthday trip

[Holidaybluees]

NC as I’m ashamed of how I’m feeling. DP booked us a cruise for my milestone birthday this summer. It’s going to two city locations in Europe. He’s put a lot of thought into it and couldn’t wait to tell me about it. I’m incredibly grateful he’s booked something but I’m so sad at the same time. For his milestone birthday last year I took him to Europe (beach holiday) and we went to a water park as he loves them. 5 star all inclusive adults only hotel. The cruise he’s booked is adult only but we only get less than a full day in each location.

I love a beach holiday and water sports like jet skiing so whilst I’m so grateful I’m so confused about what he’s booked. My birthday is in the summer so I said I didn’t mind going away later in the year when flights are cheaper. I assumed this made it clear I wanted a beach holiday (like for like) but clearly I wasn’t clear enough as there’s no flights involved for my trip.

I don’t know what to do and I’ve felt a bit teary today as it feels like he doesn’t know me at all. One of the places we’re going to is on my list of holidays but it’s not where I’d go for a big birthday. I have no interest in the other city. I don’t know if I can say anything to him without seeming like a bitch but I’m so deflated. Should I say something or suck it up?

We're talking about a surprise holiday here. The OP is not being asked to put up and shut up about some important shared decision such as where to buy a house, where to send their kids to school or even where to book their jointly paid for Summer holiday.
It's a present, given with the best of intentions. No need for the OP to be 'honest and assertive' here, rather than appreciative and gracious.

I honestly wouldn’t interrogate him about the whys. Just express that you want to book a sun holiday this year because you figured your birthday would be one, but it isn’t.

OP- if it’s celebrity cruises they are a great cruise line. Really try and make the best of it. It will be nice.

Save making him feel shit- i think when you get on and you are the youngest by a good 30 years he will know he has a fucked up a bit 🤣 I honestly think it will be a laugh and you’ll have fun.

Go on the cruise you might find you actually enjoy it. Cruising has definitely being some of my best holidays. I did a cruise for my 30th and I'm looking at doing another one next year for my 40th. For me cruising is fab because you get to explore more of the world on one holiday.

Maybe he thought spending time together on a shop would be romantic, and nice, reconnect as a couple?

I've done city breaks (currently on one for my 50th!) and wasn't that bothered about location as I'm pretty happy to see new places wherever. A beach AI holiday wouldn't actually feel like a big birthday treat, not if it's something you do quite often? I'm enjoying this weekend, away with my DP, just sightseeing and spending time together.

As for where you are going, I'd probably want more time in Amsterdam to be fair, but I was underwhelmed by Bruges so get yourself on a canal tour and that's probably enough to do there anyway.

I agree. It's a slightly more special birthday than a 29th or 31st birthday, but it's not some big milestone occasion, like a 21st or an engagement or buying your first house or graduating from University.

God I really hate the fact that this old bollocks is wheeled out on every thread. Men and women are different - they are conditioned for their whole lives to be different. I'm generally a troutfaced man-hater but in this case the idea of a man complaining that his female partner hasn't anticipated his every single desire for his birthday is hilarious. Men are not socialised to think about other people's needs without being told what they are, and so they don't tend to get offended by others not doing the same for them. Except when they're ill. Then they do.

I agree op. It's great that he's booked something that he thought was the right type of holiday for you but you can be secretly disappointed that it's not at all what you wanted. Try not to get too upset about it. Put it down to experience and remember it for your 40th.

Your poor husband.

But that is the problem; you love giving gifts but you expect the same back; you will always be dissatisfied as not everyone is the same. I always say give without expecting to receive the same or just give what you are willing to compromise money wise.

I get it OP. It’s basically a boat from Portsmouth in the North Sea in probably not very good weather. You are probably best trying to cancel while you are in the cooling off period.

People are such doormats in relationships here.

I have been with my husband for thirty years. We are in our fifties. And we both had 30th celebrations in the nineties (me a party, he a dinner with friends!). No holidays but that’s fine.

We communicate all the time. If a present is ‘not right’ we say so, in a friendly and amused way. We then change it if we can or laugh about it. If one of us gets it wrong by being thoughtless we will raise that too. Nobody is devastated or offended.

If you can’t be honest in a marriage, then what’s the point. I am sure as hell not up for being a MN wife where I am pathetically grateful for my husband washing a plate once a fortnight. My bar is high and will remain so.

We are still going strong. And hope we get to celebrate all our birthdays every year, including the milestones!

You sound miserable, doesn't mean you can't book and do things on your bucket list at a later date. He put in the effort, booking holidays is not easy task. Try it you might suprise yourself. The only thing stopping you from enjoying this trip is you attitude.

If it was only booked 24 hours ago you ought to be able to cancel or alter the trip with no or minimal cost . If you have a good relationship as you suggest you ought to be able to say "darling thank you so much, I really appreciate you booking this but honestly, especially given the weather won't be great, please can we swap it out for x?." You could add that this is really your fault for not being clearer and he absolutely shouldn't feel bad about not getting it right but you don't want him to spend £££ and for you not to have a good time. A solid loving relationship ought to be able to withstand that.
FWIW OP I do get where you're coming from and think replies have been harsh. It's irrelevant if we like Bruge, or think 30 is important or like surprises or the beach. So long as you handle this right and don't strop at him, it's fine to express how you feel.

I would be disappointed with that holiday too given its a fairly special occasion with a decent enough budget and not something you would ever choose.
I would tell him you've done research and a lot of the consensus is its just too few destinations for a cruise and not nearly enough time to see the city you really wanted to visit.
You could look at doing a short break to the city you want to visit and then go on by plane/train force few days beach holiday. That way you're not dismissing his plans completly.
Is there not a cooling off period after you book?

Oh and I would absolutely want to be told if I was the OPs husband.

If she sucks this up, it just shows that this kind of behaviour - spending a shit load of money 'for her' with no consultation is acceptable

There was no consultation because it was a surprise which seems to be what the OP wanted.

Now she's had the surprise and found it doesn't meet her expectations perhaps the point is that surprises are not for her.

Agreeing to surprising each other isn't bad behaviour on her partners part, FFS.

There's a lot of grumping at the OP about not being grateful for a birthday surprise, but it's not really a "surprise present" in the sense that it could have been anything from chocolates to a car, is it? He was asked to choose a destination for a joint holiday and spend X amount on it.

He should be back by 11 so will talk to him then and come back and update. I might call the company he booked with and see if there’s a cooling off period

So much over analysis about nothing. No one's suggesting the OP be grateful because her partner occasionally washes a plate. Some of us are just pointing out it's one holiday out of many holidays this couple goes on. So what if it's not the exact holiday the OP wants? It's something different, it's a new experience, it's not the end of the world if it's not the best holiday the OP has ever had. And it's not worth upsetting or embarassing or disappointing her boyfriend/husband over.

You can't help how you feel.
However, if you can forgive me saying - every single one of my so-called big birthdays so far has been disastrous! I mean actually disastrous, not just slightly disappointing. It was my 40th last summer, and a family member was quite unkind to me due to being inebriated. He was selfish, and I ended up in tears. I didn't do anything other than go for a walk and a film in the evening. Nobody has ever arranged a holiday for me for a birthday. I'd be overjoyed by their thoughtfulness if they did, even if it wasn't totally to my taste. It was the lack of thoughtfulness towards me last year that hurt so much.

So, trust me, you are extraordinarily blessed that you have a loved one who thinks enough and cares enough to go to so much effort. Even if it's not what you would have chosen for yourself.

I don't want you to feel guilty though. Emotions can't be easily helped. I just hope it'll help you to enjoy it all more.

Up to you, but I'd be inclined to make the most of it, and do something else later.

I'm planning to make the most of my 41st to compensate for my hideous 40th that never really happened.

Take care and best wishes, whatever you decide 😊

@Ruminate2much im sorry that happened to you, nobody deserves that. I really hope your next birthday is fabulous

Agreed - we all love them , and we’ve never been marched or herded anywhere!

Sailing out of Kotor, Istanbul, Trieste at night,- magical. Sailing in early in the morning to Venice or watching the sun rise over Santorini- beautiful.

OP, I’ll go if you don’t want to!!

Seriously, if he’s booked it then it’s best to go and enjoy it - and say something now like ‘ but can we get our beach trip in later on? You know I love my water sports!’

That way you’ve reminded him what you really like but not kicked off over what he’s booked. He’s got some of it right!

Mine said he was going to book a rural weekend, nice hotel, great walking for my 50th - basically, the same as what he loves and what I’d booked for his 50th. I politely reminded him that that is what HE likes, and what I want is an historic city. He could choose. He tried to argue that he thought I would want his choice. I reminded him that he KNOWS what I like. We have been together for well over 30 years.

He said nothing more - and booked York. All good.

Future you is going to look back in this and cringe mightily.
He got you a surprise and it wasn’t quite right - but it is a nice break together going somewhere you want to go, even if it’s not at the right time.
If I were you I wouldn’t say anything, I’d just go and have an amazing time. You’re only 30 - you’ve got the rest of your life to go to the beach.

Shame I can’t vote that the OP is spoilt and ungrateful

THIS!