Disappointed with birthday trip

[Holidaybluees]

NC as I’m ashamed of how I’m feeling. DP booked us a cruise for my milestone birthday this summer. It’s going to two city locations in Europe. He’s put a lot of thought into it and couldn’t wait to tell me about it. I’m incredibly grateful he’s booked something but I’m so sad at the same time. For his milestone birthday last year I took him to Europe (beach holiday) and we went to a water park as he loves them. 5 star all inclusive adults only hotel. The cruise he’s booked is adult only but we only get less than a full day in each location.

I love a beach holiday and water sports like jet skiing so whilst I’m so grateful I’m so confused about what he’s booked. My birthday is in the summer so I said I didn’t mind going away later in the year when flights are cheaper. I assumed this made it clear I wanted a beach holiday (like for like) but clearly I wasn’t clear enough as there’s no flights involved for my trip.

I don’t know what to do and I’ve felt a bit teary today as it feels like he doesn’t know me at all. One of the places we’re going to is on my list of holidays but it’s not where I’d go for a big birthday. I have no interest in the other city. I don’t know if I can say anything to him without seeming like a bitch but I’m so deflated. Should I say something or suck it up?

@lifeturnsonadime im not saying he’s shit. I’d never say that. But he has definitely got this wrong

Your poor DH, OP. It sounds like he has put a lot of thought into this, tried to tick off some of your wish list, and do something completely different to what you did for his. You sound very ungrateful and also pretty immature. As others have said, if you want to dictate every element, then it’s not a surprise.

FWIW I went to the pub for my 30th 🤷‍♀️

so your not going to consider his feelings at all? You will just go for dropping silly hints then complaining when he doesn’t get it 100% right!

@Holidaybluees I would say to him that you love the thought of going on a cruise! Very different and exciting to what you usually do.. if you genuinely aren’t keen on the places to travel to could you ask him to transfer it over to a different cruise to one that is more sunny and maybe isn’t as rushed into one?

however, he clearly has put a lot of thought into this and has tried, not everyone is amazing at gift giving.. also your “hints” weren’t very helpful.. it all sounded like a minefield tbh.. maybe he thought constantly going to sunny beaches etc was getting a tad bit boring? Maybe he wanted to open your mind to something new and different so you can both enjoy yourselves rather than do something you do by the sounds of things a lot of the time.

people aren’t saying to “suck it up” because there with “wicked men” there saying it because it’s still a nice thoughtful birthday gift that you could end up really enjoying.. you can’t always get everything you want and in this situation you are coming across as ungrateful.

i always go above and beyond for my husband when it comes to trips away etc, he tries to do the same but unfortunately doesn’t quite get things right, I go along with it.. why? Because I love him and his feelings mean something to me, 9/10 I’ve always ended up enjoying myself even if originally it wasn’t what I had in my mind.

i don’t see why you can’t just go on this cruise and then say “I really enjoyed the cruise experience (if you do that is) can we book another one to go somewhere beachy and sunny next time aswell?” So then your not offending him or coming across as ungrateful and you’ll then end up getting to pick the next place?

otherwise just ask him to change the locations and see if they will let you transfer to a different cruise..

I would be grateful for the lengths he’s gone for you though.. he sounds like he’s tried!

I really don't get why you are disappointed, he has chosen a holiday to a city you have said you want to visit. It sounds like you have done the same sort of holiday repeatedly and he's chosen a different holiday for your big birthday which will presumably make it stand out. I'd suggest you stop being disappointed and start looking forward to broadening your horizons and trying a different type of holiday.

If OP was a male posting this about a female what sort of responses might we get?
Just leaving that there.

Your poor OH.
Can you still not see how you played a part in him getting this so 'wrong'?

It all sounds very silly. Like those stories you hear about women who want to plan every second of their 'surprise' proposal from their DP and are furious if he gets anything 'wrong'.

’I've honestly never come across anyone who doesn't like Bruges.’

This made me laugh. When you meet someone for the first time, is your ice-breaker small-talk question, ‘what do you think about Bruges’? How many people do you ask about Bruges, unless they have just come back from a holiday there? 😂 It sounds like people’s opinions on Bruges is important to you and how you judge their intelligence.

Someone is an ‘insta hun’ and dim because they don’t want to visit Bruges. Ok…!

If you know your husband well enough that he needs it spelling out rather than dropping hints, why didn't you just say you wanted a beach holiday for your birthday?

Got to be insta worthy ?

@UserM6

On virgin cruises there is no indoor pool. Just a (tiny) outdoor one with hot tubs around it.

We went on similar summer 2021 around the English Channel and no one was sunbathing at all. People sat in jeans around the deck hiding from the wind mostly!

It's a great ship with loads of outdoor space so unfortunately wheb it's colder everyone is crowded inside more. It's not really designed well for colder weather, it's a party Miami type ship

(I did 2 weeks around Baltic cities and loved it but it is very much like doing 2 weeks around northern uk cities -even same shops! )

He can take me instead if you'd prefer?

If you had a clear idea of what you wanted in mind then it would have been better to say you didn't want a surprise.

Comparing going on a holiday that someone has booked as a surprise for you when it would not be your first choice to putting up with a shit marriage is exactly what you did in that post. The two are not comparable.

You are not considering his feelings in this. Perhaps he didn't think your choice was ideal for his birthday but went anyway because he loves you?

I don't get this black and white thinking. If you want specific things in life then have a 'no surprises rule'.

You can still do the beach activities you want and it will be warm https://www.iamsterdam.com/en/explore/area/amsterdam-beach

If you think about it he's booked
adults only - which you wanted
a cruise - which you've discussed favourably before
a city - on your list

He has put a lot of thought in. I would choose to accept it as a lovely gift. There will be other beach holidays.

I would feel the same way as you OP.

Which is why I have made it clear I never, ever want a surprise present or holiday. I would like to be involved in the choosing.

I don’t think you can be ok with surprises but only if they happen to be right.

It’s just possible your OH wouldn’t have chosen exactly the trip you booked for him but made the best of it.

Right now I think your best bet is to call the company (Without him knowing) and see the trip can be cancelled or - more likely- changed to something else you prefer. If it can then talk to him about it. If it can’t then suck it up and decide to enjoy it.

And also, not immediately but in a while, agree not to do surprise trips in future.

Bollocks. Everyone I know who has been on a cruise HASN’T been unwell.

No one is marched anywhere. You get in and off the ship as you wish. It’s no different doing these places then it would from a hotel. Most people look round a city, do what interests them and then have dinner. This is the same with cruising.
The only difference is everyday you are going somewhere new.

You can change the cruise with an admin charge but not get money back. I wouldn’t bother. Go on a “ better” cruise next time.

OP I'm with you. I would definitely say something. And of COURSE 30 is a milestone birthday. Not sure why anyone would think it isn't.
At no point have you not been grateful he's tried. But you're also allowed to feel disappointed, confused (especially if you're neurodivergent) and irritated. You keep saying 'like for like' which makes it sound transactional. In reality I think it's the lack of the same thought you put in, and not realising you wouldn't like it, that's upset you, not so much the money he paid.
I would ask him to cancel, even if he loses money. This birthday is a one-off and you will resent it if you repress what you truly feel. You deserve the same happy nostalgia and feeling of being cared for and known that he has about his 30th.

30 is a milestone birthday, as is everyone which ends in 0 after 21.

OP I think I'd be disappointed too- it's not a cruise to somewhere warm or beachy is it, it's Amsterdam! I don't think I'd say anything though, the thought is still there and I'd just try to make the best of the situation (and start looking at where you want to go on holiday next year) and get something booked over the next few weeks

This - exactly how things go here. Mine tends to suggest it first and I can remind him how I don’t actually like that before he books it.

In your case he’s picked a city that you want to visit so he’s kind of got it half right …

Hopefully the ship will have a great pool so you can get some sun and swimming in a well.

I still don't get why he's booked a cruise for your birthday IN THE SUMMER and yet you know all about it in January!
Assuming this won't be intending to be your last holiday ever, I don't get why you don't keep this as your birthday gift and book a beach holiday later in the year for some late sun?

lol

Lots of people on here are clearly floored by you op. - you are not going to put up and shut up, you know what you want and happy to prioritise what you want, you going to speak to your husband in a nice but honest and assertive way.

I think you’re blowing mumsnet minds!!

He was given exactly what he wanted because it was also what the OP wanted. A bog standard beach resort holiday in a nicer

I do disagree with the people who are saying 'just suck it up'

DH has tried his best but has spent 100s of £s on something that OP just simply doesn't want.

If she sucks this up, it just shows that this kind of behaviour - spending a shit load of money 'for her' with no consultation is acceptable.

You do desperately need to talk to your DH @Holidaybluees

I've had to tell DH about some shit presents he bought me in the past. The 5th wedding anniversary present he gave me particularly stands out (that's another thread). We still have it as a reminder we need to talk to each other about present giving.

There are several people on this thread alone saying that a 30th is a milestone birthday to them/in their circle so it literally HAS been, even if you’ve never personally heard of it. The fact that if you type ‘30th birthday’ into Amazon six million version of decorations with 30 on them suggests that it is

Yeah, people get cards and have parties with decorations with 30 on them.

I think most people acknowledge it's a significant birthday, but generally not one where you pull out all the stops and have massive celebration/holiday/cruise.

That's generally, in my experience hitting 50 , half a century, which is a much bigger milestone for most people than 30.