Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

Did you lose your mother when you were young?

I agree with you!

I see so much angst around from all the blending/replacing, I wonder why people find it so absolutely necessary to insist on it. Very few genuinely work harmoniously.

Oh gosh - some of the posts are really hurtful. If daughter doesn't know about the trip can it be sold on ? If not just be honest- explain and be truthful to her ask her if she would still like to go. I don't think it would be possible for Dad to go under any circumstances as you need him there for you & baby.

Your bitterness about your ex and his new family is showing through 🤣😆

Mumsnet is so wierd about blended families. Feels like alot of women putting their frustrations at their ex for not bothering with their kids and having a "new" family on OP.

What 18yo when offered an all expenses paid trip to NYC, with the choice of her long distance boyfriend or her dad would chose to go with her dad over her boyfriend. DSD has already, for another trip, been offered the same choice and chosen her boyfriend. She spends a tonne of time with her dad, is getting a tonne of celebration for her 18th.

No woman should have to be alone with a newborn, certainly not for the sake of a holiday. There will be other holidays, other tennis events, there will be only one postpartum period for OP and she matters too.

You don't own a house, earn less than him, and with a baby on the way? You're extremely vulnerable!

I'm not sure why you are leaving yourself so vulnerable and not insisting on being married.

OP getting a very harsh time here.

If the daughter knew about the trip already, I might suggest he should still go. But she doesn't. Phew. So it will just be an AMAZING present for her 18th. Forget about it.

But he is right that the new baby could be very upsetting for her. All you can do is continue to love and support her, be patient, and don't get upset if she isn't into the baby. Make the fuss around her bday as planned and just keep loving her and make an extra effort to make sure she knows dad will always be there for her.

Don't encourage her to go to a far away university, don't suggest you're gonna turn her old room into a nursery (even if you don't have another room, baby can easily sleep with you for a year), just generally make her feel it is still her home.

And congrats. Wishing you an easy pregnancy

Away from his newborn child for his bereaved daughter’s 18th, yes.
You’ll cope.

Yes OP, you're getting a really hard time here. Anyone else whose DP has arranged a trip for just after the baby is due gets support and a bollocking for the partner. She doesn't even know about the trip yet, so she'll be thrilled with a fully-paid-up trip for two I'm sure, especially if her boyfriend or a best friend is also into tennis. You need support when the baby comes.

I think there are car rental restrictions, too.

As for the trip that she doesn't even know about, of course he should forget that and be with you! Not only because it is the right thing to do by you, but anything could go wrong with your pregnancy so planning a trip for then is just madness. He needs to be with you. I cannot believe anyone is arguing he should abandon you when you are about to give birth!!

This!!

Jeez the drama. The DSD will never know Dad was planning to go anyway, all she'll know is Dad is paying for her to go to something amazing with her boyfriend/ friend!! She'll be thrilled with that!

Where's the drama?

Doubtful she will be able to go without an adult over 21 so she will have to give the trip a miss I guess.

Not to be gloomy, but I wouldn't tell her until after 12 week scan. Imagine if you had told her about pregnancy, then had to tell her you were choosing termination due to an issue with the baby. I very much hope this doesn't happen but it's worth considering.

It's fine to not be married so long as you have plans in place that mean you'll be ok financially should you break up. Especially if you reduce hours/go slow on your career. Might not seem an issue now but in 10/20 years things could look different.

I don't see 18th birthday as a massive thing, I'm sure you could manage a celebration and anything extravagant could wait for a future date.

I think just tell her, after the scan.

It’s not for the tennis though, it’s for his daughters 18th

Neither can I, it's fucking madness!!

I initially could see your point OP about feeling sad that your partner wasn’t showing excitement but your updates all scream ‘me, me, me!’

I think you massively underestimate how hard her 18th birthday without her mum will be and probably on your partner too, when he imaged his daughter turning 18 I’m sure he imagined her mother would be there - it will be a difficult time for them both I’m sure and would have been lovely for them to have that time together.

You obviously don’t want to hear it but I think they should still go on the trip too - can they not shorten it to go later so they aren’t away for as long but still get to see the semi final?

Wrong again. Childfree SO, we're both 60. No ex-spouses, no kids.

👆🏻 all of this

He is not going away for tennis. He is going away to celebrate his 18 year old daughter, the girl that lost her mother when she was 12, had you move into her home 3 years later and is reaching some big life milestones. Is it normal to go away with father, maybe not, but it also is far from normal to lose your mother at 12.

You can do some simple sums, if you didn't want a baby that coincided with major milestones in her life, you could have put off TTC, or even brought it forward. Your rationale that it might take a while makes absolutely no biological sense, the chance is the same each month, it doesn't improve because you have been trying for a few months prior. I think as you were so selfish (and I mean both of you not you) to not consider her in your timings, you maybe need to be the 38 year old adult here and let her have her short trip with her father.

I would also love to know how he lined up the consolation prize Wimbledon tickets within the nine weeks since you found out you were pregnant, I thought the ballot closed about six months ago.

No, she will not be able to go at the age she is.

Well said, @MrsWhites

If the girl hadn't lost her mother, things would be different. Her mum is dead; she will never, ever have her around for any special milestones going forward. The father needs to make massive effort to compensate for that. People who would begrudge putting a vulnerable teen first shouldn't get involved with men who already have children. That's the bottom line.

It's not about the tennis. It's about a father and daughter celebrating a special time in her life, which is likely to be an emotional time for her as it will be clouded by the fact that her mother isn't there to celebrate with her.

If you think she'd rather go with her boyfriend, tell her about the trip now and offer her to take someone or her dad to go. Tell her about the baby next week, so that she's not guilted into letting him stay. That'll tell you what she really wants. Then let him go if she wants him to. You can cope for a week or so. Her feelings are more important than yours in this situation. Unfortunately you're coming across as very selfish right now.

Can't you understand that this is not just any old holiday????!!!

It's not a blended family either!!!