Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

This is an excellent idea.

I think this is a really useful point of view to highlight. Obviously there are other factors at play and reasons for handling sensitively in thus situation, however many parents have a wobble about pregnancy timing and sibling reactions even without these factors (I know I've wobbled and felt guilty/conscious to ensure I handle things sensitively for siblings with both pregnancies that came after my first born).

It's NOT "abandoning" her ffs!!

He needs to put his daughter first.

@TheShellBeach

its not 'just A holiday'. It's an event.

personally I wouldn't mind if he was in NY with his DD when I was due/giving birth. I'd leave that up to him to decide. I'd just get someone else to be my birthing partner & it'll make NO difference to the baby.

Going with a friend may not be the same or what she needs.

I don’t think you understand that this is something they are doing, in part, because she lost her mum.

She is very likely to want her Dad or need him around on her 18th.

There will be an extra layer to so many things because her mum isn’t here. Leaving for uni, graduating, Christmases engagement, and wedding, birth of her children if she has them. Her loss will always be there.

Can’t he shorten the trip? And no, under the circumstances I don’t think it would be awful if he goes.

A childbirth where the baby/mother could be in medical crisis? Or some tennis match. People on here really have fucked up priorities if they think a father should abandon mother and baby for some tennis match. Really, really, really messed up priorities.

Well folks. I lost my mum as a little girl and I can tell you how I spent my 18th - at a party with my mates!! My Dad was not there. He of course celebrated with me at a different time. Was I scarred for life? No.

Oh and he had other kids by then too with his new wife, so I had 2 younger half siblings aged 4 & 6 at that time. Again, I was not scarred for life. Why? Because I knew my Dad loved me, so I didn't need him to demonstrate that through grand gestures or trips away.

I'm pretty certain I wouldn't have been scarred for life if he'd presented me with a trip of a lifetime abroad and said "take your boyfriend/ best friend". I'd have been THRILLED!!

@MyLadyTheKingsMother bit harsh!!

I really do not think she can go to NYC at 17/18 without an adult.

These are also good points and need considering.

@adriftinadenofvipers

Can't you understand that this is not just any old holiday????!!!

Yeah I can understand perfectly well, thanks for asking. It's not anything at this point though, is it? Because the daughter doesn't even bloody know anything about it 🙄

@MyLadyTheKingsMother

Disgusting comment

To me, the tennis trip is just one factor. I would be more worried that the new baby coincides with ALL the life experiences you denial in the OP. The biggest risk is that she feels pushed out and is then physically moving out, which makes it very real that she is replaced by her dads new family.

Did she know you were planning a baby?

I think you might need to tread very carefully around this to ensure she is included and celebrated for herself. It depends whether she will react positively to the idea of a baby but I would potentially want the tennis trip to go ahead for the simple reason that that is what was originally planned.

So we are encouraging the Dp here to implement ‘what you don’t know won’t hurt you’?

Why can't you hire a maternity nurse for the few days your baby's father will be away with his daughter ?

Plenty of mums are at home with baby and no baby father after the birth, he could be overseas in the forces etc.

Let's hope the daughter never feels that her replaced her mum and now she too is being replaced.

and let's hope it's not a son !

Most likely true tho.

Hang on just a minute here - the trip was planned before the pregnancy happened. How fucking idiotic was it to take the risk of conceiving a baby to be born in and around the girl's 18th???

What if the new baby is born on her actual birthday? Way to take the shine off someone's special day. A friend's ex remarried, had a 2nd child, who was born on the 1st child's actual fucking birthday!!

Even if you leave as is he may need to cancel last min if you have PND/baby needs medical attention/you need to go back to hospital (amongst people i know we've had retained placenta/child stops breathing/jaundice/weeks in hospital due to rsv/ haemorraging) It's too much of a gamble and would be much worse for DSD to have the disappointment and stress of rescheduling - if she were my dd i would want her to have a trip that isn't so reliant on everything going well.

If she can go with a friend (considering she has said she didnt want a long holiday with her dad previously) that will be waaaaay more fun - two 18 yos exploring the magic of NYC will be fantastic)

Or if the hotel doesnt allow under 21s can he move the trip to the xmas holidays? If she feels lonely and homesick at uni she will have the lovely trip to look forward to in order to make it through that first term.

Tbh this seems more like your DP wants to go if she has literally said she would prefer not to have a week with him previously.

But you need to tell her asap, she sounds like a lovely girl, she may even prefer to spend time with the baby before leaving for uni.

OP obviously 10 days is too long, and as previous posters have said, you will likely need someone over 21 to check into hotel etc in the US.

Can he go with her for a couple of days and see the first match and then boyfriend / friend take over? Then he can do all the admin parts, still be with her and not be away from you for too long. I once did two nights but essentially one day in Vegas. It was a lot but manageable.

it would involve buying another flight but I imagine you would probably have to do that anyway to change her holiday companion as name changes are often the cost of the flight.

But agree with most here, he could have avoided this if he had worn a condom that month!!

It takes two to tango as they say. The OP was involved too in this decision, knowing this holiday was booked but is stamping her feet now that it doesn’t suit her and her baby.

The poor girl, she lost her mother and it sounds like despite that has welcomed the OP into her life and home and this is how she is repaid as soon as another baby comes along!

She will soon find out there is a new baby coming in her birthday month. Around the time of her 18th. Around the time of her A level results. Around the time she finds out where she is going for uni. Around the time she leaves home to go to uni. And no mum to see her through all of these events.

Don't you think the dad should be pulling out all the fucking stops to celebrate it all and compensate in some small way for the absence of her mother?!!

I don't think you understand anything tbh.

@ManateeFair

its not abusive FFS.

He was in board with trying for a baby, he's making the OP feel bad & not enjoy her pregnancy. If being pregnant at the time she's now due, he could have applied a little maths & a brain cell & used condoms for a few weeks.

instead, he's now spoiling the OP's pregnancy, the only one she's likely to have & that's not fair!!

There's nothing wrong with saying 'if this pregnancy is such a terrible thing for you now, we could terminate'