Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

Is a trip for someone’s 18th really the norm?
Surely a party, meal and lovely gifts is what any other 18 year old would get? The trip can easily just be a gift.
They will have plenty of bonding time with London and taking her to wherever she plans to go to uni.
Id also like him to bond with our baby (as would he) and be there to support me!!

You obviously didn't give muh thought yo the possible timing either, or maybe just didn't care. Hard to tell.

What lovely people you are, OP, you and your DP. I appreciate his daughter has had a tough time losing her mother so young and there may be a wish to make her 18th even more special because of that but, by any measure I can think of, you're really pulling out all the stops. Way more than I did 😏

Anyway, might your SD see the baby as the best present ever? And the timing of babies is seldom perfect.

This.

He was a fool to get himself into this situation in the first place.

That's an extreme comment!
Don't most people suffer through parties and meals out for their 18th birthdays? (Not me, I went to pizza hut with my family and night out clubbing the following weekend and that was that!)
Nothing "wicked step mothery" at all in a mild comment that this is plenty. The DD won't be hard done by by any stretch!

I can tell you as a widow with an 18 yr old, she will not be excited to hear this news.
It will be a huge kick in the guts and someone else to share her Dad with.
Don't expect her to be over the moon.

The original plan was for your dsd to celebrate her big birthday with her only remaining parent doing something that is a big common interest of theirs. The new plan is on dsds birthday her only remaining parent has a brand new baby & gives her tickets to leave the country so he & his new family can spend time together without her. That sends a massive message to her about her place in his life. That is without her even knowing he had originally planned to go. If he goes on the trip it will upset you, if he doesn't go it will upset her. You're the adult here so you should be the one who gets upset. It will have zero impact on your baby who won't know who is there.

Sounds like it's ALL about you, tbh.

You're supposed to be the adult. Have you really no friends whatsoever who can help you for a few days while he takes her to the tennis?

I’d much rather go with my long distance boyfriend than with my dad! I love my dad and would still enjoy it but an all expenses paid trip? Amazing!!

Can he just take her next year as she doesn't know about the trip yet? He can take her to the french or British open this year and go to America next year. Or the Australian one next January.

Tell her once you've had your scan. I waited until my 12 week scan before I told anyone but my partner. That way I knew the dates and that everything was ok. She seems like a lovely girl so I bet she's happy she's getting a little brother/sister.

Well said, @Citylady88

"Here are you tickets, now get lost across the ocean so we can pretend you don't exist and MY BABY is Number One!"

Don't think the girl isn't smart enough to perceive this. Poor thing.

Not for tennis but for his daughter. Who is just as important as her soon to be sibling.

Difficult situation all around and all that.

But I agree with @Tinkerbyebye I think he should go.

I am really surprised by the number of posters who think it's perfectly all right for the OP to be abandoned by her partner when she has just had a baby.

It's her first baby and it's a special time in a couple's life. If the delivery isn't straightforward or if the baby is very overdue, the baby could potentially only just have been born and the OP still recovering when the step-daughter's birthday happens.

OP I agree with you. Your partner should prioritise you. I know that a lot of PP have pointed out that the baby won't know any different if its father isn't around, but you will.

He should not abandon you.

So she’s not being replaced but she’s dropping right down the priority list in one of the biggest months of her life so far. Her mum will miss every milestone and day of her life, and now her dad will get a smaller role in them too. He should take her to the US open and you should be happy for him to go. I can see why he’s feeling a little sad about the timing. If the baby was due just a month or two later it’d be much easier. He’s entitled to feel however he feels, and you shouldn’t be feeling annoyed/down about it.

Pre booked special holiday to celebrate his daughters 18th birthday is not abandonment. It’s a holiday with one of his 2 children.

I agree with this.
What 18 year old girl would prefer to go away with her dad, when the opportunity to go with her boyfriend presents itself?

People on here are weird about stepchildren.

Well there we have it. You don't get to decide what's "plenty". I think it's incredibly selfish of you. Surely he could opt to go for a shorter trip than 10 days? Has he got match tickets for 10 days? Jeez louise. A meal, a party, some gifts and a legal drink doesn't sound like much in comparison!!

You could always hire in help? What would you do if your partner left you altogether? He needs to put his motherless child first in this instance, but compromise. Take her to the final or something? That would be into September.

Incredibly short sighted if you discourage them from going.

Terrible move.

FYI if she’s going to NYC please check the rules of the hotel, many require one of the party to be over the age of 21 to even check in.

Your husband's concern over his daughter's emotions is probably one of the reasons she's such a lovely girl!

He will come round. In my experience men take a very long time to warm up to pregnancy and a new baby even when they are very wanted!

It will all be fine. Can she go on the trip with someone else?

I can't believe what a hard time you're getting here OP! Obviously as much as you love your SD you will only have a baby once in your life so I completely understand not wanting your partner to go away in the first few weeks. I'm very surprised that everyone is in disagreement.
Obviously it will be a big change for your SD and you will want to make it as easy as possible but I know I would have much rather gone on a trip like that with a friend or boyfriend, I'm sure she'll be absolutely thrilled.
Good luck to you all OP

I could tell you my opinion but you wouldn't like it.

She'll have to deal with it. Just tell her now. She can't do anything about it. I'd wait until nearer the time to discuss about the holiday. She may be excited to have a sibling.

This is a really really good point! A lot of hotels in the USA need someone over 21 to be able to check in.

Name changes on flights can also require a new ticket depending on type or airline.