Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

Re - not being concerned about marriage, OP:

"Then you are (and I really do mean this kindly as you are already pregnant) a complete idiot if you see marriage as a romance thing rather than a legal contract

Have you not read the GAZILLION threads on here about your legal rights

If he earns a LOT more then I really hope it's 'on the books' i.e. PAYE rather than minimum wage and dividends (the norm for business owners)

Because IT IS IMPORTANT NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK"

Well you've decided and put yourself first OP. Good for you 👍 and please don't say its about the baby as they won't even know. Not much more to say is there. But I think you're selfish.

'That's plenty'.

Not nice thing to say at all.

He should discuss with daughter and jointly decide what she would.like to do.

You should not decide what is enough in terms of timespend with her father.

That suggests wicked stepmother mode kicking in.

As if you would let him postpone the trip till next year! You will then be moaning about being left with a one year old for ten days, or complaining that you can't afford it, or maybe pregnant again. Let him take his DD on the trip for her 18th!

That sounds ideal @LouLouPat . His daughter will have a lovely time with a friend/her BF, she will be made a fuss of here on her actual birthday

I can understand your DH being disappointed not being able to go with her himself, but I think it would be best to tell her now that a baby is expected and hopefully she will be happy for you both. It's far enough away from her birthday for her not to feel the way your DH is worried she will and once she's told, he can start to look forward to the new baby.

Some awful posts on here, I have to say. Hope everything goes well and congratulations on the baby news

@LaurieStrode

op would though

He's only saying he won't go because he knows you don't want him to! If you told him to go he would happily go.

What if one of her friends or boyfriend can’t make the trip? It’s a big ask as presumably the friend or bf will need to have plenty of spending money, which would be quite difficult for someone who probably doesn’t have full time work. Unless they rely on their own parents to provide the spends. So what then? And won’t your dp have to start running it by someone now. He can’t wait til just before the trip to expect his dd to arrange for a friend to go. You’ve both been a bit selfish and insensitive.

Look thinking again after your comments, she will have a great 18th.

She didn’t know about it to start with.

Dp stays at home and she sees the world with her pals, also gets spoiled at home.

Dp stays home with you, she goes and has a ball as an adult for the first time which is such a special treat x

Like I said all spending money will be provided. For both. The same budget already allocated for my partner and his DD would just be given to her to use for her and her friend/boyfriend.

Bloody hell Op.

Is it not possible to wait & see how things pan out?

I think everyone is overestimating how much DSD will actually want to go with her dad.
She got tickets for the Paris Olympics for her grandparents and when asked who she would go with she said her boyfriend, we asked if she wanted to go with her dad and she said she’d rather not spend a week in Paris with her dad!

@EmpressSoleil

i get the impression you’re not very familiar with a woman prioritising their own needs? It’s a tennis trip. No one needs to go on a tennis trip. Will op likely need support post birth-yes.
not all woman want to be martyrs 😀

Just tell the daughter you are having a baby and discuss what she would.like to do for her 18th.

No point asking strangers.

It’s not just tennis, it’s a father who is aware that his daughter lost her mother, she is about to have a milestone birthday without her Mum. It’s lovely that he has planned & organised it and thought about - rare that fathers do! He wanted to be with her to experience it. He won’t be able to move it to the next year as it will be the babies first birthday. Could he split it and at least experience 5 days with her?

Shame he couldn’t count and maybe say can we plan to try for after his daughter 18th or even just think about the stress of alevel exam for her. But it’s done now and a baby is on the way. His daughter life is about to change and she hasn’t a mum to lean on to support her navigating through it.

OP - AIBU?

Majority posters - yes...

OP - no I'm not

Her birthday is the 24th so we will do a party for her on the day

I would advise caution here, OP.

You're due on 10th August.
If you happen to give birth on 10th August (unlikely) your baby will be exactly a fortnight old on 24th.

If you go two weeks overdue (entirely possible) your baby will be born on the same day as your step-daughter.

In any case, you won't feel like hosting a party when you have a very young baby. You might not even feel capable of getting out of bed and getting dressed at this stage - your baby will be feeding non-stop and you'll be sleep-deprived and (likely) in pain from stitches.

I wouldn't make any plans about parties just at the moment.

Paris with your boyfriend is rather different to New York though?

Why don’t you just tell her and let her decide what she’d like to do for her bday?

OP. Kindly.

It's not for tennis.

It's her 18th birthday. A milestone that will pass without her own mother there to celebrate it with her this is a passion she shares with her father, its something he wants to do with her. It's unfortunate that the pregnancy happened now but hey ho, unprotected sex results in pregnancy. It's as much your fault as it is his. You shouldn't assume it won't happen or it'll take X amount of time.

Yes, you'll be alone but, providing the birth goes smoothly and both you and baby are okay, it's not the end of the world to be alone for just over a week. Many mom's do it alone for whatever reason. Providing baby and you are healthy after birth it isn't rocket science to care for a newborn.

Reframe it to the perspective of your own unborn child hitting 18, you (God forbid) die and, for arguments sake your DH is now on his third wife, expecting a baby with her around the time your own child's 18th birthday...

How do you think your own child would take this exact situation with you out of the picture, new woman in and now a new baby to replace them.

It’s not ‘for tennis’ it’s For. His. Daughter.

It's sad that you think it's about the tennis. It's about a child turning 18 without her mum. Her dad has to be two parents.

looks like a father is needing to choose between his children (and partner). It’s tough.

Maybe I'm way off but surely most couples planning a baby would have already mentioned it to an older sibling where there's an age gap, especially in a blended family.

Has she any idea you have been trying? Did she react? She might be over the moon for both and actually be disappointed not to ne around at the time.

She'll be an adult then,maybe she would actually prefer to do with a friend then her dad?

Why not just tell her you're pregnant and the timing? See the reaction and go from there?

Personally, I think he should go on the trip but only if that's her preference too.

Sending the message that his new daughter is a priority over his existing daughter, from day one, isn't nice.

Congratulations on your pregnancy how absolutely lovely for you both. Your partner & SD sound like lovely people as you do.

I would think you are feeling a bit sad that you can't shout from the rooftop about your fantastic news. I think this will pass if handled well.

Step daughter is an only child and sounds mature and grounded. Would it be possible that you all sit down together and tell her that you have the most amazing family news to share & that her birthday month will be extra special as she is going to be an amazing big sister.

I think if you include her in the excitement it might help let her know how important she is to all of you and that you want to include her with all the plans.

The trip could be changed to another time if you felt that would help , as she like to be around with the new baby- just a thought.