Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

At different people holding different views about different situations?

Goodness your mind is easily boggled.

This is such a tired line and it’s actually completely the opposite. In nuclear families women are always told to put their children first, and themselves last - post-partum or otherwise. There was a thread the other day with a mum out of her mind with exhaustion with a newborn and a three year old who wouldn’t sleep. The majority voted she was being unreasonable when she suggested she leave Dad to deal with the 3 year old in the night.
It’s only when step children are involved that women are told their own needs 100% trump everyone else’s and if you point out that the existing children in the family have needs that should be prioritised too, you get called a misogynist, a bitter first wife and a step mum basher.

I have never once read a thread where a step mum has been told put your needs 100% before everyone . There is usually a pile on and they are told they should have known what they were in for and where they stand in the pecking order . They are less important in the child’s life , but yet they have to put them first .The step child has a mum and dad to put them first generally ( this case is different of course ).

I know I'm late to this thread and it seems to have moved on a bit, but everyone seems to be saying that the elder dd will resent not being able the go to the tennis with her dad.

Honestly, if she was given the choice of going on this great trip with her dad or her boyfriend, I'm pretty sure most, if not all, teenagers would chose the boyfriend!

If she never knew her dad was planning to go, and is given the tickets as an all expenses paid holiday with her boyfriend, she will be over the moon.

I've been reading the thread and quite agree Stopthatknocking

It seems unnecessarily unkind to present her with a gift where it's uncertain until the very month of who is going, and far more sensible to present it as a chance to go with her friend or boyfriend in the first place. Especially where on previous trips she has had the option of going with dad but chose to go with her boyfriend.

I'd want to put the SD first, and for me that would mean making sure she goes and there is no uncertainty.

Since she has no idea about the trip, much less the original plan, I cant quite understand why its even a point of contention.

I love it when men say they're not happy with the timing of a pregnancy, when they happily kept having unprotected sex with you 😂

This is definitely a thread where I’m glad there’s voting so the OP can see that the silent majority agree with her, despite the unhinged posting on the thread.

It’s only when step children are involved that women are told their own needs 100% trump everyone else’s and if you point out that the existing children in the family have needs that should be prioritised too, you get called a misogynist, a bitter first wife and a step mum basher.

I can't speak for anyone else who is Team OP, obviously, but for me this situation has precisely zero to do with the OP being a step mum and not a mum to the existing daughter. My responses would have been literally identical if she were OP's own 17 year old daughter.

No matter the parentage of the older existing children, I still believe the needs of a woman and her new baby should always take priority whilst they adjust within the (potentially vulnerable) immediate postnatal period.

he’s got his girlfriend knocked up without considering the implications.

Agree with another poster - this is an unnecessarily derogatory way of describing an unmarried couple who have mutually agreed to try for a baby.

My partner and I are also unmarried (my personal choice, not his), and we were together for 5 years before trying for our now almost 3 year old. Did he "knock me up too"? Or did we just try for a baby and were successful, albeit without it a marriage certificate in the drawer?

Wildly unnecessary.

When you have llst your mother there are many more significant days to mourn that relationship than a single birthday.

Yep. Like the birth of your own children. I was significantly more emotionally vulnerable at that time than I was on my 18th, and I felt the loss of my own mother so painfully when I became a new mother (both times), compared to when I turned 18.

besides the fact it's not clear about the timings in the OP, in fact the wording is rather loose IMO.

Why would the partner plan this lovely coming of age trip with his daughter, which would be seeing her off to uni, finishing that chapter of her life while she still lives with them, then start trying for a baby 11 months before it was scheduled to happen?

OP said they'd been talking about having a baby, not that they'd agreed to start trying, it doesn't say if he knew she'd come off the pill at that time?

We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September

@ncforthisthreadonly24
There are differences in language use across the U.K.

But generally this turn of phrase would be used to mean (where I am from), a man who has got his girlfriend pregnant whilst in an insecure position.

Which OP and you are in because you and offspring do not have the same legal rights you would have if you were married to partner, or had a legal agreement drawn up to effect same. Both options are available.

OP is pushing her agenda, without realising that it may alter dynamics to her detriment. And she had no legal recourse to protect her or the baby.

But generally this turn of phrase would be used to mean (where I am from), a man who has got his girlfriend pregnant whilst in an insecure position.

Well where I'm from it's derogatory about a woman's pregnancy and therefore offensive (to myself and others who chose to not to marry and have children). I personally cannot imagine a life without my children and not being a mum just wasn't an option for me. Does that mean I need to use derogatory language about women who choose to remain child free? No, because that wouldn't be pleasant.

I'm not the only poster to have commented on the phrasing so it's clearly not just me who received it in that way 🤷‍♀️

@sandyhappypeople

We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September,

Well I read this very differently to you. I read that as OP coming off the pill being a part of the joint discussion between them. As did most other posters I think. 🤷‍♀️

We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September

From a basic and repeated use of the word We, as well the comment later that "we" didn't expect it to happen so soon I can't see this reading as anything other than a joint conversation.

Why would the partner plan this lovely coming of age trip with his daughter, which would be seeing her off to uni, finishing that chapter of her life while she still lives with them, then start trying for a baby 11 months before it was scheduled to happen?

In all likelihood, probably because he (and OP) expected it might take months to conceive and their ages didn't want to risk being unable to conceive at all?

I came off the pill at 35 after 10 years on it, had my first baby at 21 so I had no idea what state my fertility would be in. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to conceive instantly or if it might take years. I was only a couple months into a new job a the time of TTC, so timing wasn't the best, but at 35 neither me nor my partner wanted to risk it not happening at all for us. So we started TTC straight away and I was pregnant within the first month of trying. Neither of us expected that to happen to easily and quickly. Like I say, timing was not ideal with my new job only being a few months in, but it was what it was and we made it work. It was the best thing we ever did, she completes our family beautifully. If we'd left it a few more years, maybe we'd never have conceived our beautiful daughter at all? You can't delay when you're in mid to late 30s.

So I imagine OP and her partner thought similarly.

Same.

You really think he should be away from his newborn child for 10+ days to spend time with his motherless child at a key milestone of her life, when the newborn will likely have both parents around for theirs

Reworded that. This is just the start of your blended family. Way to make your husband’s daughter feel that she still matters. You say that she would prefer to do it with her boyfriend or friend but she may also look at it as it she is getting a trip to get her out the way when her new sibling arrives

It does take two, you know.

This is a nasty and manipulative post, and as for suggesting OP threatens to terminate...? Good grief, the man is rightly concerned about his older daughter but a bit more discussion and telling her as soon as possible should minimise the impact, especially if she understand this pregnancy was a bit unexpected. He's done nothing wrong. The OP has done nothing wrong. It's just a tricky situation that needs resolving.

She might be delighted to have a baby brother or sister. I would have been, at that age. (Once I got of the ick of the thought of my dad having sex)

I mean. I was mostly indifferent to my two baby half siblings as a teenager (my Dad was widowed when I was young and remarried when I was about 12). I remember thinking ahh they're cute I guess, I'll change the odd nappy and give them a bottle here and there. But that's my lot, I'm bored now, off out with my mates see you later 😂

I'd also lost my mum (at a younger age than OP's DSD), and my Dad has also remarried and had more children.

I had - and still have - precisely zero negative feelings about that. I respect my Dad a lot and would never hold it against him (or my stepmum) that they wanted to have their own children. I had no need to feel that way as I was so loved by my Dad and I knew that, regardless of what other children he chose to have after he tragically lost my mum.

It makes no sense to me that you and your partner jointly decided to try for a baby and risk a trip for a special occasion that can’t be moved and has cost thousands of pounds. Can neither of you count?

There is an alternative explanation that makes a lot more sense, which is that it wasn’t a joint decision. In the worst case, timed deliberately to ruin the trip because it’s too much money on his daughter that could be spent on you (“that’s plenty!”) Slightly better case, just without giving a shit about it.

In the worst case, timed deliberately to ruin the trip because it’s too much money on his daughter that could be spent on you (“that’s plenty!”)

but the OP has already said the same budget will be spent regardless of who goes as the friend/boyfriend would be given money to spend as well. So this second scenario makes no sense.

It's clear from the thread that OP and her partner expected ttc to take a longer time based on her being older, which is not an uncommon assumption. Considering the length of time needed to pass before intervention, cut off ages for IVF that could apply etc I can see why they wanted to start the process sooner

What is the max number of posts possible on a thread & how can I, personally, make this one reach that limit?

In the worst case, timed deliberately to ruin the trip because it’s too much money on his daughter that could be spent on you (“that’s plenty!”

Oh my. The lengths people will go to to invent a narrative and discredit an OP. Embarrassing (for them, obv).