Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

@Tandora

There will certainly need to be times when I put my kids first and me second, as there may be times when things are the other way around.”

such as?

God I don’t know, I can think of a million things. However exhausted I am and however much I don’t feel like it, I’ll still need to ensure my children’s needs are met- physical, emotional, educational etc.

One current example is that my two year old has insisted continuing to bf throughout the pregnancy. It is super painful now, my supply is massively decreased and I’m totally exhausted because she still feeds in the night. But I have continued because she’s just not ready to quit , and has got so upset when I’ve tried to wean her.
cold turkey doesn’t feel like an option but I’m trying to gently cut down. This also means, I suppose, at this point that I’ll be tandem feeding when new baby comes, and god knows how I will manage that, I certainly don’t want to and I’m particularly concerned about how it’s going to work at night and if I will ever sleep again. At the same time I’m aware of how psychologically damaging it could be for her if I just quit once the baby arrives. Will she feel replaced? Will this cause insecurity and resentment towards her baby sibling? So I am very aware that a compromise will need to be reached between her needs and mine and it’s going to involve considerable psychological and physical sacrifice on my part. Exactly what that looks like remains to be determined.

@Tandora

don’t sacrifice yourself too much! You matter just as much as your 2 year old and new baby

There will certainly need to be times when I put my kids first and me second, as there may be times when things are the other way around.

I conduct 80-90% of my life putting both of my children's needs before mine. Genuinely. It's part of the reason I exist in a state of perpetual burnout. If I'm not at work, or looking after a home, I'm making sure the (very different due to a large age gap) needs of my toddler and teenager are met. There are countless examples of this, too many list, but to name just a few: taking my toddler to parties or the park when I feel physically drained and unwell and all I want to do is rest, but I know it's unfair to her not make the effort... or giving countless lifts to my teen daughter so she can see friends / her boyfriend, despite just wanting to put my feet up and relax after work, but I know that's unfair to my teen as her social life is important to her and she can't drive yet. I also suffer with physical health conditions, so I'm often masking awful pain when I get down on the floor to play with my toddler, or drive my teen somewhere she wants to go.

My point is - I fully understand the need to put our children's needs first and I conduct my life in this way the vast majority of the time.

However, the one time in a woman's life that I feel very strongly the focus needs to be primarily on her and her needs, is the immediate postpartum period. Nothing will change my mind on that. The woman and baby should always be centred at that time. Yes the rest of the family continue to have needs, but in terms of where the priority focus needs to be at that time, nothing will change my view on that. It is a period of (potential) high vulnerability and emotional and physical adjustment for a woman, and nothing in my opinion comes close to that experience.

Just a final comment. If I hadn't centred my own needs following the birth of my second child, and if my partner hadn't done so either, my eldest child would now be motherless as well as her little sister. So sometimes, prioritising ourselves as mothers means we can continue to be good mothers - we cannot pour from an empty cup, after all.

Honestly from the sound of your experience as you describe, 100% your needs needed to come first during that time. It was an emergency and you were in crisis, and I understand how that has shaped your perspective more broadly.

I just think it really depends on the individual circumstances and context thats all. But I do agree with your points that these things are unpredictable And that unpredictability should be born in mind too x

❤️

All this arguing about what people would personally do and what percentage they put their kids first is pointless.

OP could you get some really lovely gifts with 'sister' on them and a card and write in what a wonderful daughter she is and that you think she is going to be the most wonderful and amazing big sister? I'm sure she will love the trip with her boyfriend - I certainly wouldn't have gone away with my dad at 18!

OP could you get some really lovely gifts with 'sister' on them and a card and write in what a wonderful daughter she is and that you think she is going to be the most wonderful and amazing big sister?

I did similar for my then 13 year old when I fell pregnant with her half sister. Wrote her a little note and left it on her bed saying she was going to be a big sister, and a copy of the scan photo. I mean, she'd picked up on there being something going on anyway as I had my head in the toilet constantly anyway 😫 But yeah, this is a lovely idea, OP.

Could he take his daughter on the trip just after she’s finished her A levels? Then he would be around for the results, the birth, and taking her to Uni. It might be cheaper to travel at the beginning of July than at the time of her birthday in the school holidays.

What is exactly is the time between the due date and when he leaves for the trip?

(Yes, due dates aren't an exact science, and 70% of babies arrive before their due date, so it's a pretty decent date to go by.)

No that's not possible

Not sure that is the best idea, SDC might be upset that her dad is having a baby and might not want to be a big sister and could come across a bit manipulative . I think it needs to be a conversation, and one where there is space for her to share her feelings whatever those may be.

Just re-read the thread.

So OP's baby is likely to be at least 2 weeks old before he leaves, for ten days.

It's hardly like he's bolting from the labour suite. Whilst this is OP's PFB and she can't see past that, DD is his PFB.

Yes OP might have a bad birth. Plans might have to change in exceptional circumstances. Most women give birth without issue, so why so many PP are determined to put OP in the minority camp of PTSD, or unable to physically cope for ten days with a 2 week old, is just odd.

I'm astonished that so many PP can't see the damage this is going to do by him not going. And with that damaged foundation, on which everything else will build upon, it's unmarried OP who will potentially be left holding the baby, so to speak. He's already not excited to share the news of the pregnancy.

And no, this isn't "nasty" or any of that tripe. It's a very real situation that many face when they start a second family, let alone an unmarried woman dealing with a man who has lost his wife and his daughter who has lost her mother, introducing a new baby virtually on the day the daughter exits childhood, and the baby prevents the father, as the only parent remaining, taking a once in a lifetime trip for that daughter's 18th birthday.

Its a wealthy family: its not a once in a lifetime trip. The passionate hysteria about adulthood and this birthday is really problematic, to me. The most important gift DD1’s father can give her is the certainty that he can manage his adult life and romantic and familial obligations without burdening her. The focus on the father “proving” the dd matters by putting her supposed need to celebrate ONE PARTICULAR WAY over being present for OP and baby sets up a false competition. In reality everyone’s needs can be met if OP, her party, and the DD1 can manage to have a little sense of graciousness and nd proportion.

Both OP snd DD have needs. Both sets of needs are not in competition.

She is only 18 once. It is not the same going for her 23rd. The 18th, for her is particularly poignant, having lost her mother. It will be notably pertinent if she loses this one off experience, so personal to her, with her only remaining parent, directly due to a baby arriving from her father and another woman who has only been around 3 years.

If this isn't handled well, and you already can see his feelings to his DD, and his unwillingness to share the pregnancy news, whilst OP seems happy to have this small victory as he's dropped out of the trip, it's very blinkered to not see this is probably the beginning of losing it all. And as a low earning unmarried woman without any home ownership, it seems very short sighted not to take this into account.

Eh ? Really , so the step daughter should be favoured because the OP should have known ? This doesn’t happen in non blended families . It’s only in blended families where the first kids are favoured. Well that’s the case on Mumsnet . Usual step parent bashing as per usual . Same line comes out every time .

‘Losing it all ?’ Very dramatic . You would not use this dramatic language if this was a 18 year old in a non blended family . You show your judgement of step parents with ‘ only been around for 3 years ‘. That’s just step parent bashing, very predictable for these threads though .

Everyone is only the age they are, minute by minute, once. Whoosh! Im older too. Why are people so intemperate in their language snd thinking about this 18 year old’s birthday. When you have llst your mother there are many more significant days to mourn that relationship than a single birthday. And taking sn expensive trip with dad is not the only conceivable way of being significantly celebrated. Or are working class kids all permanently damaged because their parents cant pay for them to go to NY?

I’m agreement with @WillYouPutYourCoatOn with this small victory of preventing him going on the trip she may go on to lose the war if things continue in this vein (no we/you can’t go visit SD or do X because baby is not sleeping/ is teething/ is potty training/ is “insert dramatic life stage” right the way until 18).

He’s already pissed off and resentful, isn’t happy about the pregnancy, SD may become likewise.

And OP has this false illusion of power; she has no rights to anything.

@pikkumyy77 you are missing the point.

The reason the celebration with father and daughter is off is because he’s got his girlfriend knocked up without considering the implications.

The change and replacement will not be lost on the daughter. Not one iota. And she loses half her inheritance too. I bet there will be quibbles about that in future.

Knocked up? What tF on are you on about?

She got pregnant after mutually agreeing with her partner that she comes off the pill.

This whole thread is just so bizarre

@Caerulea

See the dictionary:

British slang, “to make pregnant”

@Justia yes, and as you well know it's connotations are negative

There is more projection on this thread than in a 12 screen multiplex.

@Caerulea wasn’t intentional, there are colloquial differences across the U.K. in language and how it’s perceived.

I don’t think they’ve done a great job in thinking through everything. But it is what it is.