Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

@Tandora

My "yep!" was in response to the first line of that posters comment, which was this:

again it depends on each woman’s experience

I'm saying, yep, I agree, and here was my experience......

Right, I have never seen it, I always thought 2nd pregnancies carried the lowest risk of all. But I get what you say about a long gap and different Dad.

Not really relevant to OP anyway.

Yes post partum women and their babies should be prioritised in a family! Why ever not?!

honestly!
if you can’t be prioritised when you’ve just given birth when can you?!

@Tandora

yes.

Firstly, I've already pointed out several times the limitations in that research. Which by the way highlights a correlation, not a causation. And is only one small part of the overall picture.

Secondly, I reserve the right to not wish to discuss my birth experience with ANYONE who demands it. Do you understand that no one owes you a description of anything that has happened in their lives, particularly an online stranger? If you can't respect that, that says far more about you than it does me.

😯

Exactly

https://images.app.goo.gl/afyKkwXbqVrD2rkr9

I had a bit of respect for you before this comment I have to say.

But goading a woman who clearly isn't comfortable sharing the details of their birth experience online, who you already know had a rough ride postnatally... that's low.

@Tandora

lol why the shocked face?!

Yes post partum women and their babies should be prioritised in a family! Why ever not?!

honestly!
if you can’t be prioritised when you’ve just given birth when can you?!

@ncforthisthreadonly24

I did not ask for an in depth description or analysis of your birth experience as this could be retraumatising.

I asked if you had birth trauma or not. The answer is yes or no.

The fact that you’re saying it was so difficult that you are still traumatised 3 years on suggest that you did have birth trauma and that this caused you to develop severe mental health issues.

Ergo OP should know post birth whether or not it is advisable for her partner to leave the country.

Well in my and my DM's world the 2 year old.

The fact that you’re saying it was so difficult that you are still traumatised 3 years on suggest that you did have birth trauma and that this caused you to develop severe mental health issues.

Wrong.

Yes I had birth trauma but this was not necessarily only related to the delivery and labour itself, it was due to a multitude of factors relating to my own personal past and other previous traumas. Additionally, the issues this created for me that ultimately led to my near psychotic breakdown at 11 days postpartum did not become fully apparent until 10/ 11 days postpartum.

If I'd agreed for my partner to go off on holiday a few days or even a week after the birth, I'd now be dead as I'd have taken my own life.

Sorry trying to get out the 2yo takes priority over the healthy PP woman and the baby who doesn't have a clue anyway. This is assuming everyone's basic physical needs are met already.

@ncforthisthreadonly24

Don’t resort to playing silly games.

I did not ask for any detail relating to your experience bar the broad categorisation.

The reason this was important to establish is that you have consistently maintained that you developed mental health problems “out of the blue” on day 11 after birth.

You have scaremongered OP and others into believing that this could happen to them with no warning.

When in reality you had an incredibly difficult birth and this was the precursor to your issues.

And even the perinatal MH specialists who treated me in the mother and baby unit, and the psychiatrist, told my partner when he cried saying why didn't I see the signs earlier: "this couldn't have been predicted, it's no one's fault" etc.

Thus, as per my repeated point on this thread: no one knows how any new mother will cope.

@Justia

Don't accuse me of playing games. How ridiculous.

Read my other post - the birth experience itself was not the sum cause of my illness.

I have not "scaremongered" anyone, I have repeatedly stated that my experience was rare.

Because I’m shocked that you would go this far, but it confirms that we do just have very different perspectives , and we will have to agree to disagree.

I’m about to give birth to my third child. I can confirm that there will very much be a balancing of sometimes competing needs between me, the baby, my 2 year old, my 4 year old and yes even my partner (!) , throughout the post partem period , as there has been a balancing of needs throughout the pregnancy. Yes, i will need to be a priority, but my needs/ wants will certainly not always trump the needs/ wants of my other children; and my children will not always be perfectly psychologically resilient and I will not always be the person who is the most psychologically fragile/ vulnerable. There will certainly need to be times when I put my kids first and me second, as there may be times when things are the other way around.

To be honest based on my experience of my second, I found things so much harder during the pregnancy (looking after a toddler etc) than I did in the immediate post natal period.

When in reality you had an incredibly difficult birth and this was the precursor to your issues.

Wow you seem to know more than the mental health specialists who worked with me over a year!

Their formulation of my illness was much, much broader than this. The birth experience itself was one small part of why I ended up where I did.

@ncforthisthreadonly24

This underlines the importance of context and individual background.

A woman with a background of mental health and trauma shouldn’t be left post birth, particularly if the birth was traumatic too.

If OP is healthy, of sound mind, has a straightforward vaginal delivery and can acquire some form of support there’s no reason he can’t go.

@Justia

I didn't have a background of poor mental health. The prior trauma I was struggling with did not become apparent until after I gave birth. That birth was the catalyst for unlocking the previous trauma memories (according to my psychologist who was fantastic).

Hence my point again - you cannot predict how the postnatal period will affect you.

I hope it's lovely and amazing for OP, I truly do.
But it's probably a good idea to have her main source of support available just in case. That's it. That's my point. Fed up of repeating that now tbh.

@ncforthisthreadonly24

Yes the birth trauma unlocked the past trauma.

A woman who has birth trauma is at risk for mental health.

Partners/husbands should be very vigilant in these circumstances.

And I don’t think I’m a mummy martyr or a misogynist, I think this is quite a normal experience of pregnancy and post partem in families with more than one child.

Or mostly likely simply ok.