Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

He should still take his daughter away for her birthday. Ask a friend to come and stay with you if you don’t think you can cope with a baby on your own.

Conversation turned strongly towards mental health and one person talking about their hugely adverse circumstances as if this is what happens with everyone.

This is a gross misrepresentation of what I said. In fact. If you look back at my posts, I repeatedly acknowledge the thankful rarity of my awful experience, and I repeatedly say I sincerely hope OP has a far better experience than I did. And that statistically, she is likely to have a far better experience than I did.

However, what I have repeatedly stated is that there is unpredictability and uncertainty with the postnatal period. My point is - no one knows at this stage how OP will cope postnatally, and so if her partner is able to be around, then IMO he absolutely should.

You posted links to literature that makes links between traumatic birth experiences and PTSD, but no one else mentioned PTSD specifically prior to that point (well, I certainly didn't). And I rightly pointed out the limitations of that research (which the authors themselves acknowledge within one of the papers). I believe those figures you quoted are a vast underestimate of the true prevalence of postnatal mental illness. That was why I commented specifically in respect of those papers.

I'd still say she has even odds of being fine both physically and mentally.

@Neurodiversitydoctor

And if she's in the unlucky 50%, and her partner is in another country, that's not great is it?

@pikkumyy77

It isn’t a totally different argument, it’s the context relative to the situation.

If the elder daughter were hers and not bereaved there would be less of a problem in dealing with matters because the daughter would be a full sibling of the baby and daughter of OP. There would be no replacing or ousting because everyone is related and equally invested in each other.

Should things go tits up with the daughter and that create a problem with the partner and OP, she is in a more vulnerable position than most.

@Neurodiversitydoctor

again it depends on each woman’s experience. Sounds like you had mild morning sickness. If you are literally vomiting over and over you can’t take your toddler to their usual activities can you? And guess what? Toddler will not be psychologically damaged for life!

@LuckySantangelo35

Yep. I had an awful second pregnancy too and was hospitalised at various points being unable to even hold water down. My eldest wasn't scarred for life. I was even lying in a hospital bed hooked up to drips on her 14th birthday. Does she hate me for that? No, she doesn't. Her stepdad took her out with her friends and she had a lovely time, and totally understood I was unwell and temporarily out of action.

But they can reasses closer to the time can't they ? It isn't set in stone.

Don't go because I had a emergency c-section which is infected and our baby is in NICU is very different to it might be slightly more stressful than I would like, I will miss you taking the baby for a couple of hours and expect you to pull your weight on your return to sure go, me and munchkin will enjoy hanging out, eating what we want, staying bed all day and not dealing with DSD.

The middle case is the most likely. In which case IMO he should still go.

In the first case obviously not. But I think this thread more than anything else is about thresholds.

So children are always psychologically resilient , but pregnant/ post partem women so often aren’t that all planning should always consider mother as top priority?

Omg @ncforthisthreadonly24

It will be evident post birth if she is in the lucky 50% or not.

That is the point I was making - the mental health difficulties are strongly tied to their being a difficult birth. If that occurs he doesn’t go!!! And someone else goes in his place.

If all is fine with the birth then a doula can mind her 24/7.

If something untoward does happen it’s a 7hr flight back - he can leave in the morning and be back by mid afternoon!!

For goodness sake, what a drama people make out of things.

Yet again most will be in the middle. Define mild, yes I knew woman who quietly left rhyme time to vomit and then came back to the circle. Obviously if you have HG (5% of pregnancies ??) it isn't feasible, but for most people it is.

@Justia

Omg back at you.

I was admitted to a mother and baby unit on day 11. Everything looked ok til that point! I was functioning apparently "normally" on the surface. Until it all cracked on day 11 and I ended up being driven to a mother and baby unit with my partner in tears.

Postnatal mental illness may I accept be strongly correlated with birth trauma, but it's not by any means the only predictive factor.

This updated 3 of Jan suggests it's 1-3%.

https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/796564-overview?form=fpf#a1

Lack of support, broadly defined, isolation, etc..are also risk factors for PpD/PPA. And yes they emerge post partum and are caught, if they are, by visitors/medical staff/partners after the birth.

So children are always psychologically resilient , but pregnant/ post partem women so often aren’t that all planning should always consider mother as top priority?

Hmm, not sure the first part of that sentence is anything I've ever said? I said, in that specific set of circumstances, my 14 year old understood the situation and yes, she was far more resilient than I was at that time. Because I was going through hell.

The second part of that sentence, yes, I believe that postpartum women and their babies should be prioritised in a family in the immediate postpartum period. Absolutely.

@ncforthisthreadonly24

Respectfully, because I know you had a traumatising experience and I am so so sorry that you did.

You are projecting your negative experience onto OP’s situation.

I had an absolutely awful time too linked to caesarean complications and other factors.

But I’m realistic enough to realise that my experience was in the minority. And I shouldn’t tell other expectant mothers to plan against what I went through happening, because the chances of that occurring are remarkably slim.

Did you have birth trauma or a straightforward vaginal delivery?

Goodness this happened in your second pregnancy, but you were fine the first time, that is really unusual. I do think it was different for you because it was your own Dd who of course was worried about you and wanted you to get better. Slightly different circs from OP's situation.

@Justia

Whatever you may think about me "projecting" (I disagree), I will never ever advocate or support a newly postnatal woman and her baby being alone. Ever. And unless it's completely unavoidable, it should be the baby's father who is with her postnatally. And her needs should be prioritised in that period.

Nothing anyone can say to me will ever, ever convince me otherwise.

Respectfully, I don't wish to discuss my birth experience with you.

Goodness this happened in your second pregnancy, but you were fine the first time, that is really unusual.

Not according to the midwives and the consultant obstetrician who looked after me. Apparently it's very common for two pregnancies to be vastly different particularly with a large maternal age gap and different fathers.

Respectfully, I don't wish to discuss my birth experience with you.

Funny that.

Okie dokie.

"Funny" that rehashing my birth experience is so difficult for me even almost 3 years on, that I don't want to discuss it anonymously online with a total stranger?

Nowt funny about that. More like very fucking normal and understandable.

Comment was “Toddler will not be psychologically damaged for life!” To which you responded “yep!”
This was part of a broader conversation about how it’s normal to balance the needs of preg/
post partem mums agains the needs of existing children in the family. Currently 8 months preg with my third , I know this allll too well.

The second part of that sentence, yes, I believe that postpartum women and their babies should be prioritised in a family in the immediate postpartum period. Absolutely.

Always? Regardless of all other circumstances ? Even if mum is in fact fine (as are many post partem women) other family members are not?
I find your position pretty extreme/ fundamentalist tbh. Of course post partem women and their babies should be prioritised in a family, but there will always need to be some balancing of competing needs. How this pans out in practice will very much depend on each individual family’s circumstances,

Fair enough, we all have our own beliefs. TBH for me the hardest thing was looking after a boisterous 2 year old more than 40 weeks pregnant while DH was at work, once the baby had arrived I was quite happy to be left. The point is nobody knows how OP will be.

@ncforthisthreadonly24

You don’t want to confirm that it was traumatic because this would add credence the the literature saying that adverse mental health outcomes in post partum women are strongly linked to traumatic birth experiences.