Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

@ncforthisthreadonly24

From a 2024 paper. Quite consistent.

The most recent meta-analysis (2022) showed that childbirth-related PTSD affects between 3% and 6% of mothers and 1.2% of fathers.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0002937823007135#bib15

Strongly tied to traumatic birth reported to 9-50% of mothers.

If OP perceives her birth to have been traumatic or is recovering from surgery he shouldn’t go, names on tickets are changed to backup friend/bf.

Exactly no need to decide yet. Might be fine.

I would and have done all sorts of things based on 50:50 odds or even worse, what have you got to lose ?

Applying for medical school, I certainly wouldn't put my odds as higher than 50:50. Asking someone I fancied out, applying for jobs, getting some dental treatment ( it worked:)). What is the downside here to waiting to see what happens if there is a 50% chance he will be fine to go ?

I’m similar background, though not psychology, and I realise the data may not capture the full scope of experience due to underreporting.

But equally, what is available is consistent over a long period of time.

I am absolutely not advocating that OP be left with no support or when seriously ill or in recovery.

But that they investigate options round this. He is on holiday for ten days. Repercussions and resentment from daughter could last decades.

Up to OP to evaluate which is the bigger problem. Which won’t be evident until after she’s lived with step daughter several months after pregnancy announcement and until after birth.

In my view the best thing to do would be to leave things as stands, having a back up option available.

and surgeons will operate all the time to try to save lives with a less than 50% chance of sucess ditto cancer treatments. 50:50 isn't terrible odds.

You both could have worked out when baby might be born.

He loves his DD clearly and no doubt he'll love his baby but the baby isn't here yet and he doesn't have that connection.

I would listen to his fears, support him telling her how he wants to and I wouldn't stop them going on their trip, that's really important.

Lots of mums don't have partner on hand at three weeks, paternity leave isn't that long etc. You can chill with baby for however long trip is, a few days? Invite your family or friends over to bring you takeaway, you'll be fine.

But no one but you is talking about PTSD. That is not the only measure of harm to OP and her baby after a birth when partner leaves for ten days on a jolly.

You are determined to win this argument on points but this is an absurd argument to have since a single article or the metadata can’t tell us what OP’s outcome or experience will be.

Conventionally and historically the pregnant woman and her needs post partum take priority in a normal family. Because she and the infant are in a time and space of maximum vulnerability and need. That is still true in an easy birth.

Would it not he easier, for OPs partner and his daughter to have a private chat, for him to tell her about the pregnancy. She can process the news in her own time.

Additionally, he can tell her about her birthday present, and she's got time to decide who she would like to go with. Its her present after all. If she wants her Dad, there's time to arrange a doula. If she wants a friend, all sorted.

They also looked at sun threshold PTSD symptoms, which they labelled as Post Traumatic Stress Symptoms, theorised to impact negatively on maternal wellbeing and the mother-baby relationship. Rates of this were higher at 12.3%:

"Meta-analyses of 154 studies (N = 54,711) applied a random-effects model to four data sets, resulting in pooled prevalence rates of 4.7% for PTSD and 12.3% for PTSS in mothers. Lower rates of 1.2% for PTSD and 1.3% for PTSS were found among fathers."

And, as I've already said - you have to think that this data is all reliant upon either honest maternal self report, or captured by health professionals involved with the mother at the time of being unwell. Both of these require the mother to seek help and voice her struggles in the first instance, which I believe is a difficult thing to do for many reasons.

So even the 12% quoted in this meta-analysis I believe is likely to be hugely lower than reality.

Working in a psychology field I know first hand how difficult it can be for people to openly talk about their mental health struggles and give candid accounts. When you add the stigma of a mother struggling with her child on top of that, it's a recipe for keeping things to oneself (in my experience).

*sub threshold

Err no. Both DM and I had v. straightforward vaginal births. She advised me to prioritise my pfb after having DC2. I was in hospital 6 hours and made sure DH was holding Dd when DS met her, I tried to disrupt his world as little as possible to minimise any feelings of being usurped, that meant only having long cuddles when he was in bed then that is what I did.My DM took me to the park without the baby 12 hours after giving birth to DSis.

Maybe we are not a normal family, I don't know.

@pikkumyy77

Ordinarily that would be true.

But OP is not in a normal family.

She is not married to her partner and has sod all legal rights. The first child is not hers. The family have suffered major bereavement.

If the daughter takes it badly, feels usurped and her relationship deteriorates with her father, it could place OP in a difficult situation in her own relationship. And she has no rights.

But no one but you is talking about PTSD. That is not the only measure of harm to OP and her baby after a birth when partner leaves for ten days on a jolly.

Also a really good point here. I don't know why the focus on quoting meta analyses of PTSD rates in new mothers, either. As this PP rightly says, there are a multitude of ways in which a new mother can struggle in the postpartum period that do not involve clinically diagnosed PTSD from the birth.

of course I do understand that, and I’m very sorry for your experience. I would consider that type of post partem illness to be a medical emergency and certainly in case of medical emergency DP shouldn’t leave.

But the chances are there won’t be a medical emergency , in which case I think DP should go if it’s what he and his SDD both want (although I imagine she’d rather go with her boyf tbh).

incidentally I also had quite bad PND (nothing rising to the threshold of psychosis). Other people being around made it worse. What helped me was feeling like I was in a protective bubble just me and my baby.

Conventionally and historically the pregnant woman and her needs post partum take priority in a normal family. Because she and the infant are in a time and space of maximum vulnerability and need.

Also hugely agree with this.

This is incredibly dramatic . I’m sure the nearly adult will take it fine. The birth of a baby is incredibly important . People assume children in first families will combust if things don’t go perfectly . It’s sad that her mother has died but you cannot plan a child around birthdays. That’s crazy . The 18 year old adult WILL get over it .

Similarly who hasn't battled through morning sickness in their 2nd pregnancy so their toddler gets to go to their usual activities ?

The conflict here is that it is OP's 1st child but not the first child in the family.

. Repercussions and resentment from daughter could last decades

The poster with this precise experience of deceased mother/important birthday says this is not a problem.

Commenters who are clutching their pearls and running for the fainting couch are ginning up a competition where none needs to exist. OP and her partner should be modeling calm, grace, love and support year round, day in and day out. This absolutely hysterical fixation of the posters on the missing mother on the “special day” is not only absurd but, if it is the way Partner is going to handle things, extremely damaging to his daughter. It is demonstrating to her that the missing mother has created a void which the rest of the universe must fill. But that’s not true. Her family and friends are still there for her and love and support her as they should. They can’t and shouldn’t “make up to her” for the missing mother. That loss just is something that needs to be grieved and accepted.

There is no competition between new partner and old except in the minds of mumsnet. In reality the 18 year old will be loved and celebrated by family and friends on her birthday. She doesn’t need tons of extra attention, taking her father away from new family, to probe that he loves her.

I’m absolutely sure this is only a question because this is a first family / step family situation . A lot of the time planning babies is not an exact science.

But thats a totally different argument. And its non responsive to the Op’s question. Talk about projection! If OP is at extra risk if she displeases the first family she should find out now so she can plan accordingly! Why try to browbeat her into making herself small and undemanding to placate first daughter when what you mean is that she should get married so partner can’t easily abandon her?

Why don’t you start your own thread about this problem instead of tacking it on to OP’s thread?

Depressingly I agree with you @Justia

There’s a fairly solid , scientific, evidence base, that if you have unprotected sex you have a high chance of producing a baby 😂.

Actually I just reported that comment as it crossed the line into real cruelty.

Maybe but as others have said, she isn't married, she has no legal status or rights to the house she lives in. Maybe things haven't gone completely to plan. Maybe OP needs to reasess ?