Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

@TheAlchemistElixa

i wasn't looking for your approval of MY opinion.

the OP can read all the posts and decide what SHE wants to do. She doesn't need your opinion of other people's posts.

If suggesting condoms or telling DSD she's pregnant before she finds out by accident makes me a mad bitch I'd hate to live in your head

Being a tennis fan and getting to go to the US Open is an incredibly generous present. My parents are well-off, and for my eighteenth birthday, they thought concert tickets were quite enough.

When my first baby was a few days old, I got a weird fixation on how many hours and days I had left to abandon my daughter at a fire station with no legal repercussions. I felt completely overwhelmed and incompetent, and was sure she would be better off with anyone else. My husband gently informed me that we didn’t have to have another baby, but this one was staying with us. I sure as hell didn’t predict that when I was pregnant.

I'd be a bit careful about switching it to be with the boyfriend - they are about to go to uni, a point where the vast majority of young couples split up over the next six months. You don't want to either taint the memories of the trip immediately for her if they break up, or force additional intimacy that drags things out longer than it would otherwise naturally survive.
This may be less of an issue in this specific case as they are already adjusted to only seeing each other occasionally, but not necessarily!

Good point. Looking back on milestone with dad vs milestone with some boy she never wants to see again .. some lifelong memory. 🙄

I still question whether hotels will allow teenagers to sign for rooms,even if they are considered "adult" for purposes of the per-person room rate. Two different things, really.

We never know what is in store for us.

She's unmarried with a boyfriend who is having wobbles about the entire situation. I'd certainly have a backup plan were I in such circumstances.

They won’t be able to drink either, but will probably try to and could end up in bother.

I’ll assume you didn’t read to the bottom of the screenshot - it said minimum age 18+.

I'm not so sure, they are not married, her name isn't on the deeds of the house......

And the bit where you advise to threaten termination as a means of emotional blackmail (one of the worst means of employing this btw - women who do this are foul imo) ?

Trust me sweetheart, I'd hate to live in your head more

Congratulations for deliberately cherry picking one out of 6 paragraphs, when the other 5 are what I was talking about. Good job.

This thread has spiralled massively!

Why are people suggesting the OP’s partner doesn’t want to marry the OP because he doesn’t want to replace his wife? That he doesn’t really want a baby, that he thought it would take months to get pregnant and now he’s changed his mind?

Why can’t it just be that he’s genuinely concerned about his older daughter? With good reason after what she’s been through?

I suspect it’s just dawned on him the bad timing that him and the OP put themselves in by trying for a baby at that time!

No need to be nasty people!

Woah so this thread shows what happens when angry, repressed people have too much time on their hands.

I reckon at 18 SDD would choose a trip to NYC with her boyf over her dad! So I think those worrying about her reaction to that are barking up the wrong tree. It sounds like it’s more likely to be about the DP’s feelings of missing out, which is why I think people are also questioning whether he really thought this all through? Why on earth did he start TTC a time when he knew it would prohibit this really special , all expenses already paid , not able to cancel, trip with his daughter??

OP, if DP and SDC are desperately keen, I’d let them go. In my experience being alone with your newborn is blissful. All they need is sleep, milk and nappy changes. It’s not like you have a toddler running around or other children/ caring responsibilities to worry about. You’ll manage just fine ☺️. Babies that small are only interested in their mothers and baby won’t miss out at all on your DP not being around or “bonding time”. They won’t even notice. Obviously if there’s a medical emergency then thats different.

more broadly I do think you do need to be realistic about how your SDD may take this baby news. She may of course be happy and take it in her stride. But I expect at 18, it’s more likely that she’s going to feel embarrassed and confused about her 46 yr old dad starting all over with a new baby/ family. This baby will feel like less of a sibling to her and more like a nephew/ niece. It’s likely to raise some issues around the loss of her mum, etc. I think it’s understandable that your DP is concerned, although again, he could have thought about this before he got you pregnant!

It’s hard for you as you want him to be happy/ excited about the pregnancy, and YANBU to feel the way you do. I reckon the best thing is to rip the band aid off and tell SDD asap so everything is out in the open and you all know what you are dealing with. Your DP is right that she does need to be the first to know xx

Repressed ? How ?

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn

I'm picking out the part that's unpleasant and not at all "factual" or "OP's words" as you suggested.

This sounds horrific and similar to my experience of severe PND (that equally no one predicted). Thank you for echoing my point about the importance of support for women in the postnatal period, given you just cannot know what will happen and how you will cope.

It's not remotely comparable to what most people do for their 18th, because most people fortunately haven't had a parent die before they turned 18.

Yet 2 of us on this thread who have had that exact experience have also commented in support of the OP.

You’ve managed to show compassion for women giving birth but not much compassion for the teenager.

I have compassion for both sides, I lost my mum at a young age remember.

However, i was also a newly postpartum mum in the depths of a terrifying postnatal illness that no one could have predicted, and to have been alone in this instance, without my partner OR my mum at my side, I genuinely wouldn't be alive today and my own daughter would be without a mother (I was on the verge of taking my life due to extreme PND / postpartum psychosis). Had it not been for the support of my partner I wouldn't have recovered.

Now, I accept that my postpartum situation was extreme and thankfully rare. However, it wasn't possible to predict it, and therefore thank goodness my partner was around.

When I compare the possibility of a woman spending the postpartum period alone and possibly going through the similar horrors I did (because no one knows and some things can't be predicted); versus a teenage girl being offered tickets to celebrate her 18th with a friend / her boyfriend, a very generous present from her father, when she does not already know about her fathers original thought process around this, therefore no harm done to her (and she can have a lovely separate celebration with Dad) - I hands down evaluate the postpartum woman as having the greater need for her partner's presence, in this particular set of circumstances.

It's not about "compassion" for either side. It's about me being a woman with experience of both sides - and with the facts being as they are in this set of circumstances (ie the daughter knowing nothing of the plans as this stage and this being OP's first baby and therefore a total unknown etc), that's the conclusion I come to.

In my experience being alone with your newborn is blissful.

These were my thoughts when alone with my newborn:

"I'm an awful mother, she'd be better off without me" ... "I've failed already" ... "I need to find her a better mother before I leave" ... "this beautiful baby deserves so much better than me"...

I can tell you that wasn't blissful. It was terrifying. It's not blissful for me or any other new mums who experience postpartum mental illness. Until I got the help I needed nothing at all was blissful, sadly. Because my mind was focussed on how I get this beautiful baby a new mummy because I'm not good enough for her.

I got better. I got a lot better. She's almost 3 now and it scares me so much to look back and think I might not have been around for her.

Just let's not forget the other side of this, please. Yes, it can be lovely and blissful for some women. But it can equally be hell on earth for others due to an illness that is not within theirs or anyone else's control.

OP, please do not feel I am wishing to scaremonger in any way - I hope more than anything that you have that lovely blissful experience others talk about. And statistically my experience is thankfully a rare one. But your partner being there just in case is so crucial, in my experience.

I think considering the circumstances I would tell my partner to go on the trip. I imagine it will only be a few days - can you get your mum, sister, friend on hand if you need help during those few days?
As she has lost her mum I can imagine her 18th is going to be pretty emotional for her and I think it's very important to reassure right now that she is not about to loose her Dad too. I would also reccomend he tells her you are pregnant asap and that maybe he does it alone? That might allow her to feel she can express her emotions and share any fears with her Dad without worrying about upsetting you. After this you can follow up with your own conversation with her where you make it very clear that you are also here for her and that this is her new sibling as much as it is your new child with her Dad!
It sounds like your baby will have a wonderful older sibling! Congratulations on your pregnancy x

OP has already clarified she doesn't have an alternative support option:

My parents aren’t fit to help and I have no siblings, I’d literally be left with a newborn alone for over a week

With a partner. Infantilising her and using a term she didn't won't strengthen your argument.

No I haven't forgotten how hard. I remember it all very vividly as my first was a nightmare baby. I had a 3 day labour and emergency c-section, he barely slept, had appalling colic and refused to breastfeed. I spent 8 months severely sleep deprived and with post traumatic stress thanks to the horrific birth. That sleep deprivation only stopped when I sleep trained him And then it started all over again with my second. But then I had PPD after my second so that was a whole other nightmare. Oh and a superbug infection in the second c-section wound (I could never dilate) that was fucking awful too.

Oh boy do I remember...

OP still has the choice not to have a baby as an unmarried woman, without a secure home and with her "partner" as her only support. Not sure I'd go ahead, sounds tough.