Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

I guess the whole area was quite heavily booked up but I'm sure that hotel is about an hour from the tennis. Probably only about ten miles but a good hour to get there either by car or by subway 7 and 4. I would be worried about a recently turned 18 year old having the street smarts for a full on trip to New York.

Let him go on the trip but hire a temporary nanny or a doula and they will help you get in a good routine with the new baby. Throw money at the ten days and order in food and whatever else you need.

There seems to be a real unwillingness to accept OP has a partner here. No need for " " around it, but sure. There really is no need to make her sound silly or like she hasn't thought things through. Personally, I don't know that he is OP's only support, so I won't comment on that aspect.
OP has asked for advice on a particular issue, and it's turned into many posters casting aspersions on her having a baby, unmarried.

It is a simple fact that you are much more likely to end up as a single parent if you are not married.

Coming back in as someone whose mum died young. I’m not sure why people assume milestones are any more painful without your mum there. If anything, I’d say it was the other way round.

I can’t believe how much you’ve been flamed on here OP.

personally now I’ve read all the updates I would try and be kind and understanding to your partner because he’s clearly struggling to tell his daughter probably because it’s reminding him his wife / her mum died and presumably he’s scared how she might respond. That’s all reasonable IMO but obviously he has to sort that out with her.

regarding the trip - it can’t be moved or shortened I appreciate that. Nobody knows how your birth will be / if you baby will be well etc and therefore I do think sending him for 10 days would be too long especially at that unpredictable time. Yes it’s relatively predictable if all goes well but it’s not it baby is in neo natal care for example. There’s no way you would want him away. I would send her with a friend or the boyfriend (and I’m sure she will have a totally amazing time). I’d do all the extra stuff for her, make it a wonderful day. Book him and her special trips elsewhere during the year. You are right, you and your baby matter too.

id also turn this thread off and get some rest as there’s no way it’s helping your pregnancy health anymore! I’m stressed reading it and it’s not my situation.

I am not saying you are wrong. You have your own experience, of course. I am saying you are projecting your life experience into this situation. Of course you think the DP should be there, you had a bad experience of the post partum period. Many people don’t. You have no idea how this 18 year old will find her milestone birthday. FWIW, I think the DP should offer the tickets with a friend or the boyfriend and be there for the birth.

I just don’t think many people on this thread have been very balanced and fair.

Sooooo much internalised misogyny on this thread!

Exactly this.

How so ?

I agree about turning the thread off. You don't need people commenting on you having the baby at all OP, please ignore those awful and uncalled for posts.

@Neurodiversitydoctor

how do you think?

Well this is fun. So misogyny- hatered of women ? Who is hating who ? and why ?

@ncforthisthreadonly24 @TheDogIsInCharge

Please see the above very sensible advice. In the post partum period men are at work most of the time. A doula can be there 24/7 to support, and if any - exceptionally rare - mental or physical health issues arise the doula is there and partner gets a flight home. If there is a complicated birth such as caesarean - major surgery - then he gets bf/friend to go in his place.

It isn’t rocket science.

@Neurodiversitydoctor it’s really unhelpful to be casting aspersions on the duration of OP’s relationship or to say she shouldn’t go ahead with the pregnancy due to the instability of her situation legally.

She’s only been living with him a year and it will probably dawn on her whenever she’s at Mum and baby classes that most have more security which will then precipitate the “we need to get married conversation. I don’t think the man is going to do a runner meantime. Calm down.

@Neurodiversitydoctor

all this disingenuous pretending that giving birth and post partum is easy. The expectation that op should manage on her own and just put up and shut up. That just cos they suffered alone and survived so should op. This idea that as a woman everyone and everything else come yourself. It is all internalised misogyny, and so many of us are sooooooo over it!

@LouLouPat

Enjoy your pregnancy, turn off the thread or ask for it to be deleted (identifying/distressing).

Whatever way things work out you have a pile of options and the step daughter seems fab so hopefully she will be really supportive. Take care of yourself.

@LuckySantangelo35

…. I suggested the partner get a live in doula to be with her 24/7 which is actually more helpful than a partner, who is at work most of the time.

I had a 3 day labour and caesarean with first so obviously if that happens he absolutely shouldn’t go.

In any event she has convinced him to stay with her and they will deal with the fall out from daughter. So further posts are a bit pointless.

The OP is 9 weeks pregnant she has the rest of the pregnancy to explore her options, once the baby is here- perhaps not so much. There is nothing wrong with suggesting she does her due diligence at this point rather than waiing till the die is cast.

All this disengenous posturing that pregnancy, child birth and post partum is the hardest thing ever. Some of us are sooo over it.

Reality- people are different, their experiences are different.

@Justia

There was no substitute for my partner in the specific situation I was in. He was given extra leave from work on compassionate grounds as en extension to his 2 weeks paternity leave because of the unique and challenging circumstances we were in. I wouldn't have wanted a doula or anyone else at that time. The absence of my partner would have made everything 100x worse for me. We are all different.

id also turn this thread off and get some rest as there’s no way it’s helping your pregnancy health anymore! I’m stressed reading it and it’s not my situation.

Absolutely second this!!

All the best to you, OP

You have your own experience, of course. I am saying you are projecting your life experience into this situation.

Don't we all? What else do we draw upon when giving advice, other than the culmination of our own life experiences?

My experience had led me to advise strongly against a woman being without her partner in the immediate postnatal period if at all possible.

Exactly my experience is that people tell you it will be sooo difficult and stressful. Actually child birth hurts a bit- but not as much as a broken bone and it ends. Newborns sleep for most of the first 2 weeks anyway. There is nothing nicer than cuddling up with your baby and just venturing out once a day for a bit of fresh air.

Most peoples' experience will be somewhere between these 2 extremes.

@Neurodiversitydoctor

come off it! Huge weight gain, vaginal tears, c section scars, constipation, hormonal fluctuations. The experience is one of the hardest women can go through.

@Neurodiversitydoctor

“Actually child birth hurts a bit”

lol