Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

This was also my thinking, yes it would be lovely to have a father/ daughter trip but I would bet 99% of 18 year olds would pick bringing their boyfriend or mate with them. And as you say he has plenty other things planned and can go another time. I agree with you on he should stay as you don't know how things will pan out but please be bit more sensitive to what an emotional time this will be for her even though she sounds like a good well rounded kid

Why did you come off the pill if month one was going to include 18th birthday, trip to NY, A-level results, and university prep?
It seems completely avoidable.

That sounds awful, it is also mercifully very rare. I hope you and LO recovered quickly.💐

@BlackFriYay I do, totally, take on board your perspective.

Yes, I am considerably older than the daughter in this scenario, therefore , perhaps, out of touch? 🙂

@Neurodiversitydoctor

Thank you. We did recover quickly thankfully, but that was in large part due to my partner's support and him being able to spot something was very wrong and get the help I needed. This is my point. Whilst I know my experience is rare, it's not impossible. I'd hate to think of any woman alone in the immediate postpartum period, I really would.

I absolutely adored my dad but at the age of eighteen, I would have loved the chance to go on an all expenses paid trip with my boyfriend.

And OP I'm going to say this again - you need the legal protection of marriage if you're the pregnant lower earner in a relationship with a very well-off, much older man who owns property (when you do not).

I think this is less about dsd feelings and more about Dps feeling about it. Given that dsd doesn’t even know bout the trip yet, presenting it as a gift for her and friend/bf would probably be seen as awesome. Fact is thiugh the dp wanted this trip to spend some significant bonding time with his dd and he needs to come to terms with the fact this may not be possible.
if baby comes on due date then it’s reasonable to out other support in place. Not ideal and I can see how OP would feel anxious but if she loves both DP and DSD then it’s an acceptable solution, but if baby is two weeks late then it’s a completely different proposition. I spent most of the first two weeks with xh going to pick up all the things we hadn’t thought about (both project managers so we plan this shit).

I’d suggest it’s presented as a gift for dsd and friend and focus on how you make her birthday special, but acknowledge that your dp may be struggling with this.
also, regardless of the blended family issues, there’s always a conflict with second or subsequent children as you love the child you have and need to make sure they continue to feel loved even though other children are added to the mix.

the other thing I’d add is that a child which is ‘too perfect’ is not necessarily one who is coping well. This may be a child who is overly anxious that if she’s not perfect she won’t be loved so please make her feel included and part of the family you’re creating.

I suspect some of your subsequent posts come across as defensive simply because the initial responses were around dsd. It’s ok to think about yourself and how you will feel. It’s a difficult situation all round and I’m sure you’ll come to the best result. It’s also surprisingly ok to cope with a three week old on your own, three day old not so much and at this point you don’t know which position you’ll be in. The child won’t care as long as you’re there. It’s you that will need the support not the baby.

and congratulations on your pregnancy! Once your children are in their twenties this will be a minor blip they won’t even consider!

I was going to add, as one of a multiple child household there’s no way I or my siblings would have been offered a trip with one parent to the U.S. for our 18th. To be given the gift of such a trip, along with all the other activities you have planned for her is IMHO more than enough!

OP congratulations on your pregnancy. There is a fairly high chance your baby will be born on your DSD’s 18th birthday as inductions happen to start labour at 40+12 or so (which a surprisingly large number of women get to). You need to have a contingency plan for that.

Congratulations on your baby OP, I'm sure any 18 year old girl would rather go to NYC with their boyfriend for a week rather than their dad!

It depends if the boyfriend has the same shared passion for tennis. You'd have to be a big fan to spend ten days on a tennis trip in NY. It wouldn't be very enjoyable with someone who wasn't into it as much.

You’ve managed to show compassion for women giving birth but not much compassion for the teenager.

There has been ridiculous hyperbole on both sides and I do think the DSD will be absolutely fine without her dad and that he should be there. However, some of you have spoken about the post partum days which are not the same for eveyrone and brushed over the bereavement which may also not be the same for everyone. Perhaps a milestone birthday will affect her
more or maybe it won’t but people are projecting their own feelings onto her.

I agree with this. I think he should still go.

I missed a few words - I do think being there for the birth is important!

So if it was thought that it would take a while, when was your DP expecting the pregnancy to happen exactly 🤷🏻‍♀️

wow, so rude. I was just trying to help!

To return to your original post @LouLouPat before everyone became outraged that you’d deprive your stepdaughter of her originally planned birthday present.

So AIBU to feel down?

No, you are pregnant for the first time, this is your first rodeo and you want your DP to be on an equal level of elation and excitement. How you are feeling is natural.

The difference is this is not DP’s first time, he’s been through it and he is father to an 18 year old. He is not on the same page as you. He is trying to meet the needs of his partner and BOTH of his children, with a primary focus on the one that is already born, and he is concerned his relationship with her will be hugely damaged by the appearance of a sibling and that sibling quite literally taking her place on her 18th birthday.

Is the timing really so awful?

Yes it’s dreadful. Your stepdaughter is in her final A level year and will be now having to emotionally process this massive change in family dynamics on top. She sounds wonderful. But she has been through a lot and mental health issues in a key exam year is not a great look. Then add to that the timing around her birthday it’s not great. So you will both have some work around making sure she is ok.

It seems nonsensical that you didn’t postpone coming off the pill until after the birth would be clear of her going to Uni. And really it isn’t ideal for you to be pregnant at all coming up to key exams but you are going to have to manage it. Am presuming your biological clock was about to explode and there was a lot of “but you have a child and I don’t” negotiation.

How can we approach this tactfully?

I think the best way would be to pick a time to have a nice family day out, get a takeaway and sit down and tell her you’re pregnant. She may be overjoyed or she may be totally derailed. She may be so delighted that you are shopping for baby clothes together or she may need counselling. I don’t know, I don’t know her or the dynamics as stand. I would absolutely avoid mentioning anything about the birthday or drawing attention that the baby is going to crap over her parade. She’ll ask you when you’re due, you say - she’ll either be like “oh just like me, wow!! Best birthday present” or “oh, what’s going to happen for my birthday” or somewhere between the two.

I’m sorry it isn’t more ideal for you, it is wonderful that you are pregnant as that’s what you and your partner wanted. It is always tricky with stepchildren. I really hope she is happy about the news and remains the lovely, stable girl you have known.

She's turning 18 having lost her mum at the age of 12. That's going to bring up all kinds of very, very painful emotions that she may well try to hide from you. Through shame and wanting to protect you. People whose parent died when they were a child are affected for life, at every milestone.

It's not about tennis, it's about making her feel loved, supported and cared for during a period that is likely to be exceptionally painful - and actually also very lonely as she's unlikely to have any peers who understand or equipped to support at that age.

It's not remotely comparable to what most people do for their 18th, because most people fortunately haven't had a parent die before they turned 18.

Definitely, he still needs to do everything planned with his daughter and carry on doing things with her all the time. She only has the one parent whereas the baby will have two.

Also, from my own experience, an age difference between children of that much is hard to deal with when you are the elder child.

I'd point out to him the timing could be worse - any earlier and she could still be doing exams. Any later and she will have gone to uni, have no time to bond with baby, and literally have left and been replaced. I think the timing is pretty good when you think of it like that!

Yes that’s his time with his eldest daughter for her birthday.

How do you think lone parents manage to look after newborns? You just get on with it and are being completely unfair.

He has a daughter who has already lost her mother, it is her special milestone birthday and she should come first in this instance.

Her place in this family is also about to shift forever, it’s her who will feel and notice the negativity and the differences.

I agree.

@Tbry24

Asking the op how she thinks lone parents manage is entirely pointless whataboutery that is only going to get her back up.

She is not going to be a lone parent, it is irrelevant to her how lone mothers cope.