Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

Even though that is when she’s due to give birth? Really…?!

he can delayed the trip and do it few months later and still make a big party for her on her birthday and tell her they will go to new york few months later. step daughter will be busy with uni and I'm sure she will be excited about the baby, don't think she will be dissapointed her travel will be few months later.

I think it's quite a clear picture to be honest.

He openly doesn't want to marry OP, he's not excited to tell anyone about the baby.

He's man who had the pain of his wife dying 6yrs ago. Having to raise his 12yr old daughter since then. He's now 46 and his his daughter about to turn 18. And here's OP with a newborn imminent.

It's one thing to have your first at say 43, and your second at 46. But to literally get a newborn on the day your first child enters adulthood. That's 36yrs straight of child raising. Headed for 60 with a child just finishing primary school. It's not too much of a jump to see why he's not esctatic and shouting from the rooftops.

He won't marry because he doesn't want to replace his wife. I suspect he went along with the idea of pregnancy because it was OP's desire, thought it would take months, if it happened at all...and now it's all snowballed, and he doesn't know what to do now it's actually happened.

None of which is OP's fault. But she's left herself in an extremely precarious position.

I’m not sure how many times I can say this.
The trip isn’t about New York it’s about the US open which obviously can’t be moved.

It’s tricky as anything can happen during the birth which is the problem.

However having had an emergency C-section and a very traumatic birth. DH didn’t have no parental leave meaning he had to leave me 2 days after giving birth and we didn’t see him for over a week. It wasn’t easy and I would’ve preferred he stayed but we managed without him. It didn’t affect bonding with child and he was there for the most important part.

Baby will be at least a week old as you will be introduced if you go overdue 2 weeks after your due date. I think your DH would really regret not going with his daughter for something that’s not going to happen again. She only turns 18 once.

best solution would’ve of been to monitor your cycle and avoided getting pregnant for a couple of months knowing New York was already booked. However that can’t be changed and the last thing you should be doing is stressing about the trip. The best solution now would be to tell the daughter about the trip and ask her who she wants to go with.

I think if she’s as intelligent as you’ve made out, and if tennis is their thing (which seems to be the case), she’ll realise she was supposed to go with her dad. I would personally cut the trip shorter and fly out closer to the 5th so they’re not away for as long, but make sure they still go for at least a few days. It sends a message to her that she’s still a priority and doesn’t leave you alone for too long - I’ve had to look after two newborns (well the first time a newborn and tbe second time a newborn and a toddler) and it was honestly fine - if anything it was nice to have some bonding time with just me and them!

Honestly - as a mum of two teens who also now has a toddler - You 100% forget HOW HARD the newborn stage is. And add to that an even more 'terrible' baby than your previous, or a horrendous labour/birth...
I can say hand on heart, I 'knew' the sleepless nights etc were bad. But I completely forgot HOW bad!!! Like - as it was happening again, I was thinking OMG! How could I not remember how terrible and tortuous this was?? You truly do forget. To have done it solo...absolutely no way.
What if she has complications and needs a csection? To go through that trauma and not have her partners support during the early days would only cause resentment.

I do think they were both very silly not planning when to come off contraception if the 18th was so important though.

@adriftinadenofvipers Who are you to say your views are the right ones either?

Pots and kettles, eh?

I didn't say I couldn't cope with a new baby. I coped very well. My DH was away a lot with work for all the years our DCs were at home. Often on the other side of the world.

I did describe how hard it can be for many new mums.

If you found it easy and want a medal for doing so well and having multiple births, well, so be it.

I'm on Team OP and support her.

I think it's frankly disgusting that so many women here support a trip to the US for a birthday (and her P agrees as he's not going) rather than saying the priority is the OP and their baby.

I'm on Team OP and support her.

And me ✋🏻

I think it's quite a clear picture to be honest.

It's your rather cynical and nasty picture.

How horrible to say that to someone who is celebrating her pregnancy.

@LouLouPat just wondering really, do you have any empathy, at all, of the impact, on your partner's daughter?

The trip is pointless discussing my partner has said he won’t go and leave me alone with a newborn.

Good!!

It’s tricky as anything can happen during the birth which is the problem.

And/ or in the immediate postnatal period.

I think to me this trip symbolises the end of his relationship with his daughter as a child, she will have passed her A levels and be heading off to uni straight after their trip (possibly to never return home to live again), she's already chosen to go on one trip with her boyfriend, but that was Paris so understandable, but this trip could be the last trip they ever go on as father and daughter alone together.. especially now with a baby on the horizon. It sounds like he is absolutely gutted and obviously thinks she will be too.

From the sounds of her I think she would be happy for them having a child, but she will know 100% that is the reason he's not going on this trip with her, hopefully she wants to go with her boyfriend.

I can't believe OP and partner wouldn't have postponed trying for a baby a couple of months, which makes me wonder if OPs partner knew she'd come off the pill (even though they talked about it, it isn't clear in the OP if he knew she was coming off the pill at that exact time), why would he have planned this lovely coming of age trip then start trying for a baby 11-12 months before it?

Considering I've predominantly just taken the facts, or things OP has directly said herself, the mere fact you view this as "cynical and nasty" doesn't bode well for OP.

It’s amazing how many are saying your DP should go on the trip OP, even after he has said he won’t!! You have no idea what the birth will be like or when it will be exactly so it makes complete sense for him to be there with you. At 18 I wouldn’t have wanted to go on holiday alone for a whole week with my dad either. You might be surprised how mature her response is to the baby news. She will be getting ready to experience all kinds of new freedoms away from the family and it sounds like she is quite mature for her age anyway. As long as you make a fuss of her in all the ways you’ve mentioned it sounds like all will work out ok…

PND tends to occur around 6 weeks not in the imeadiate post partum period. If you are alone with a newborn +/- a toddler it does help to be organised, what's wrong with saying that ?

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn

These are not OP's words nor "facts"?

He won't marry because he doesn't want to replace his wife. I suspect he went along with the idea of pregnancy because it was OP's desire, thought it would take months, if it happened at all...and now it's all snowballed, and he doesn't know what to do now it's actually happened.

@Neurodiversitydoctor

I'll repost this for you, which I posted a short while ago:

At day 11 I was admitted to a mother and baby unit with severe PND verging on postpartum psychosis. I was dangerously unwell. No one could have predicted that. And fuck me did I need my partner. Both me and our daughter needed him more then than ever. You cannot predict the immediate postpartum period. I hope of course that OP has a much smoother ride than I did! But no one knows, is my point.

PND was immediate for me and it was fucking terrifying.

My mum died young. I had a house party for my 18th. The last thing I’d have wanted is a trip away with my dad (no offence to him!!)

Just highlighting the above comment again as it comes from somebody who has been in the SD's position and therefore is much more likely to know where her head will be at.

I'm in my 20's. No teenager I knew/know would want to spend their 18th hanging about with their dad, atleast not for more than the meal part. Of course she would rather be with her boyfriend/friends.

I'm assuming alot of people on this thread are considerably older than me / the SD because you sound so out of touch with the reality of being 18. Seriously.

@BlackFriYay

Another one here who was also in the DSD's position and I echoed that poster too ✋🏻

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. I hope at least a few of the responses on this thread are helpful. Please don't take the more negative ones to heart. Good luck! xx

It's bonkers isn't it?

Some people clearly overestimate how much their teens enjoy their company 😂

@BlackFriYay

Absolutely! I mean. I'm coming at this from the angle of both having been that teenager who's mum died when I was little, AND having a 17 year old daughter myself currently.

I know that I would have preferred a trip with my boyfriend/ mates at that age, AND I know my own daughter would likely choose the same!