Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

I am fixated on if they've given birth because of all the nonsense being posted by women who are supposed to support other women.

@LemonMeringueMmm Who the hell are you to proclaim other people’s opinions as ‘nonsense’? Some of us have given birth multiple times (to multiple babies at once), also have had teen/young adult daughters and obviously have a broader view than you. Some of us have also been to NY recently and certainly wouldn’t recommend a pair of teens going there alone.

Just because you couldn’t cope with a new baby, doesn’t mean that everyone else can’t either.

Sounds to me more like the OP wants her SD out of the picture for a while so she and her DP can be in an uninterrupted baby bubble while she is away anyway.

Except she already said she'd prefer a week in Paris with her boyfriend not her Dad, according to OP's earlier update .....

Wow. I think you need to step away from this thread for a bit, you sound really out of control.

I disagree. She'll know that her dad was thinking about her and bought her an amazing gift which is personal to her and, let's be honest, at 18 she'd rather do with someone her own age.

Oh don't be coming in here with your common sense comments 😂😂

I think you need to stop calling it "tennis." It's got sod all to do with tennis and you know it.

It could be golf. It could be swimming. It could be watering bloody plants.

It doesn't matter what they are doing. It's his widowed daughter's 18th birthday. She will be so aware she is entering adulthood without her mother. On top of that, almost to the day she technically stops being his "child" here you both are, putting a newborn straight into the space she has just left.

And here you are trying to pretend he wants to go on some random jolly and watch tennis, to make it sound unreasonable. Not cool. Not cool at all.

I'm I the only one a bit bemused that £1000s have been spent on a trip and two adults couldn't work out that you get pregnant if your not using contraceptive and be due around his daughters birthday!

Was dp reluctant to have another child so you wanted to do it ASAP?

Do you have difficulties with comprehension? You clearly don't know very much about anything.

Kindly point out where in my post I used the word, "all"?

Also can you clarify why only women who have given birth can have an opinion on this issue?

We are supporting other women. The 17 year old young woman, in fact.

@ncforthisthreadonly24

It is 10 days….

Not 10 months.

He will be back at work at that point.

If she breast feeds then it is 95% on her at night too at a few weeks as it is too early to pump.

So wtf does she expect him to be doing anyway?!

What will happen is she will have the baby pretty much all the time. And she will have a big fat moping man in the house too who is virtually no help whatsoever and forlorn that he’s missing out. And the daughter will be pissed off that Dad isn’t with her and that she has been usurped.

ie mum will have the baby no matter what, but she will also of upset half the family and have that problem to deal with too.

They have money to get help so really they should do if the OP can’t cope. They might need to do it anyway if she struggles when he is at work.

Again, if there is an actual medical reason to stay then he absolutely should.

Nope, just pissed off with idiots.

Nor have I had any alcohol which would no doubt be your next swipe.

@Justia

At day 11 I was admitted to a mother and baby unit with severe PND verging on postpartum psychosis. I was dangerously unwell. No one could have predicted that. And fuck me did I need my partner. Both me and our daughter needed him more then than ever. You cannot predict the immediate postpartum period. I hope of course that OP has a much smoother ride than I did! But no one knows, is my point.

Paris is a no brainer to go with your boyfriend/girlfriend though in fairness so hopefully she'd prefer to go with her boyfriend on this one.

But that's nothing to do with my point, people are saying she won't know, but of course she will know that it was a trip planned for her dad and her and she'll definitely know why it's now a trip just for her, she may have wanted to go with her dad on this because tennis is their shared passion.

But no one knows that. She may well want to go with her dad. It's not uncommon like everyone here makes out.

T

^ this!! 100%!

I actually think that it is even more crucial that her dad does something special for her big birthday, given that her life is going to change forever. She's clearly a young woman used to the finer things in life, so no doubt she will be anticipating more than her first drink in a pub!

Completely agree with this and the PP who said they should have just used a condom for that month….

But since they didn’t, they need to take responsibility for their actions and that is for the DP to go ahead with the trip with his daughter.

If you really didn’t want to try and prevent a pregnancy yo should have saved booking the trip until after you knew if that month was your month or not.

My mum died young. I had a house party for my 18th. The last thing I’d have wanted is a trip away with my dad (no offence to him!!).

Not quite the point of the thread but my DS also had a house party for his 18th and a few nights out with family and friends. Have I traumatised him by not buying him a trip to New York or equivalent?!?!

This has got to be one of the most bizarre thread I’ve ever read on here! Poor old OP is getting a hard time for no good reason.

He definitely should go on the trip. Quite a few
Dads are back at work by the time baby is 3 weeks. You can even get somebody to stay with you if you need too.

My mum died young. I had a house party for my 18th. The last thing I’d have wanted is a trip away with my dad (no offence to him!!).

Exact same! Mine died young too, and I celebrated the same way as you!

@paddyclampofthethirdkind
Also, sorry you also lost your mum young

Thank you - you too!

It's so weird isn't? Absolutely zero consideration being given to OP & her first baby, just outright aggression & nastiness.

The sentiment seems to be -

Daughter cannot possibly be going to have a positive reaction to the baby news. Only negative.

OP & DH are irresponsible but only OP must be the one take responsibility by being alone immediately after the birth of her child 'cos the child won't know the difference'. I think OP might though!

It's all a bit 1950's if I'm honest.

Either way, the crucial time OP will need her OH is covered.

If the birth goes tits up - cross that bridge when you get to it.

100%

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Most men wouldn't want to be starting over in their late forties, let's face it.
Instead of having some freedom now his Daughter is seventeen and off to uni, he's tied to a young baby at an age when he has far less energy than when he was in his twenties.

This happened to a neighbour whose teenaged children lived with the new woman after their mum died {Illness}

There was a ten year age gap.
He was told his partner was on the pill - but rashly he didn't use condoms.

Men too often underestimate the tick tock of women's biological clocks, and are far too trusting.