Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

I think it's awful of him to respond to your lovely and exciting news by saying that it might make his DD upset. He needs to keep those thoughts to himself. Not put that shit on you. What are you supposed to do with that? Apologise for being pregnant?

Having a sibling will only add to her life - not take anything from it. As is the case for all of you.

Your DP should shut the fuck up tbh.

There's everything they could have done. Like use a fucking condom for ONE MONTH!!
Oh just stop.

And then it would be A level results week and maybe clearing.

Then it would be off to uni (or not)

Then it would be 'is she settling at uni.'

There is no perfect time.

Have you missed the update?
The US trip is OFF!!

Have you not got somewhere you need to be? Like, now? Urgently??

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

FUCK SAKE right back at ya. No interest in fucking you, dead or otherwise. Ick.

They know. She might find out.

Ah I've just caught up.

So basically he's pissed off he can't go to New York.

Haha - and there we have it 😂

Suspected as much!

@LouLouPat
I suspect if I also gave my own 17 Yr old an option of holiday with me or her boyfriend she would 100% choose the boyfriend! As would I have done at that age. I think that's totally normal.

Exactly this...Especially the last line.

"Your baby has both parents hopefully for a long long time.''

Daughter sounds an absolute paragon, too. Let him go with your blessing.

Plenty of time to play 'Happy families' when he's back.

@LouLouPat

I got half way through reading your posts and had to reply.

Her mother is dead.

A drink at the pub is not plenty.

He has funds, a shared interest and a plan to do this for her for a special birthday.

No matter what you do if that goes it can’t be brought back.

It’s madness to cancel at this point. If you have pregnancy complications or some other valid reason then fair enough - and your insurance will cover the cancellation because it would be perfectly reasonable for him to need to be with you.

Paternity leave is two weeks. Beyond that you have maternity and he is at work unless you split the maternity between you.

There are going to be a pile of times you will have to muscle up and get on with being a mother (likewise for him if you are away for some reason). The newborn stage they sleep 16hrs a day, if you’re breast feeding that can be tiring but if not it is an absolute piece of cake.

When we had our first, beyond the 2wk paternity my DH was at work on 12hr shifts, 9am-9pm… at night he was sod all use because I was feeding. He did batch cook for me but that can all be done in advance by your DH.

He has the money for US open tickets and an extravagant trip.

Would he have the money to cover a doula or someone to help you if you are really feeling that marooned?!

I think that’s why everyone is getting short with you, you really do have to get on with it. To ruin this experience for two other family members… it’s being a bit of a primadonna and catastrophizing what having a newborn is like.

If there is nothing wrong with either you or the baby, what is the problem? If you aren’t confident in your ability to cope then hire a doula or somebody to come in and help (you will probably want a cleaner anyway now at least with the added workload).

To be honest OP it reads like you are already sidelining your stepdaughter and wanting your offspring to take centre stage.

You should have not tried to get pregnant until you knew this trip was clear. I know it’s slightly OT but either get married or have an equivalent legal document drawn up to protect you and the baby. If you split you are screwed financially and he has sod all rights or obligation.

Gosh, that timing is heartbreaking. I cannot imagine she won’t have a little voice saying “perfect, finished with that one, time to start again”.

I'm surprised by the general tone of these responses. Normally if someone asks "is it ok for DH to go away for 10 days or so in the period immediately after I'm due to birth his child" the answer is no. It's not.

I fully appreciate that there is a step child who may have complicated feelings, but you can tell her now about the pregnancy, talk about the complicated feelings, and give her an amazing pre-uni gift of a New York Open trip for her and her boyfriend (or friend of her choosing). She is absolutely not missing out on an amazing experience with her dad because she never knew it was on the cards.

And for all those saying "it'll be fine" plenty of women have all kinds of problems with and following birth. I was pretty much 2 weeks late with my first, who was a baby who would not be put down for the first 2 weeks or so of her life (possibly traumatic birth related). Even if you can get a family member to "help" it won't be the same as an equal partner taking baby-holding shifts throughout the night for weeks at a time.

You may be fine. But you may not. And you matter too.

Many women have ptsd type birth trauma and/or post partum depression or even post partum psychosis. Let’s not pretend all women are fine after birth. Women have been sold that bullshit for decades. Enough.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

MISSING OUT ON THE MONTH OF AUGUST WOULD HAVE SOLVED ALL OF THAT!!

The trip is NOT off - didn't the OP say it couldn't be cancelled?

You sound very immature. Stop yourself. Or alternatively grow up.

Congratulations OP I hope you have an easy pregnancy and birth.

I think YABU your DP should priority his daughter for the tennis and her 18th. Her mum is gone. She probably really needs her dad and his love around this milestone.

Totally agree!

Novel idea that OP as a new mother matters too, eh? How absurd a suggestion. I mean she can she put up and shut up can't she 🙄

Thank god for some actual common sense among the hysterical prima donnas!!

@ncforthisthreadonly24

I do agree with this.

If there is a complicated birth, emergency caesarean or whatever then he should absolutely not go.

Why not have the trip with the plan to name change to boyfriend or friend in the event that something goes wrong? Or cancel on insurance.

I don’t understand the obstinacy over having to cancel the Dads involvement in it immediately for no reason.

OMG no. Not another one!!!!🙄

Calling others 'hysterical' (charming) when you are going into a major meltdown over something the daughter doesn't even know about. I take it you don't own a mirror in your house.

@Justia

Sadly you can't foresee severe PND, though.

Exactly that.
It's terrible timing.
Stepchildren do so often feel 'Replaced' when woman number two gets pregnant.
This man has obligations to his daughter, especially as she has no living mum.

To lose a mum as a child is a hard thing.

Look.

Everyone can claw at each other here but at the centre of this fucking mess is:

A) A 17 (almost 18) year old kid (no matter what the law says everyone knows they are still and referred to as kids at that age) who's had the shittest thing a child can have happen to her happen.

B) A pregnant first time mom to be who is understandably scared about what the birth and labour and 4th trimester will entail.

The facts are OP's OH will be there for the remainder of the pregnancy, the labour and the birth. He will be around in the days after the birth whilst OP recovers and gets into the routine of having a baby. If baby comes a couple weeks early or on time then its all the more time for OP.

Either way, the crucial time OP will need her OH is covered.

If the birth goes tits up - cross that bridge when you get to it.

The daughter has had her world upended in these last few years, her dad is all she's had since her mom passed and now he's having another family, another baby. Another person she has to share him with... and this new little person is arriving in the month of her 18th birthday. She's also going through a lot right now.

This birthday is a massive milestone for the majority of teens. And this poor girl is going through it without her mother. It is completely normal if at that time she wants special one on one time with her dad. After all, he was the only other who was close to her mom, they were a unit. A family. That's not gone just because the mom is.

I'm surprised at all the people saying she won't know it was supposed to be her dad, so it won't hurt her!

Of course she'll bloody know! A trip of a lifetime to see a sport that they both love and bond over? Yes, she will know she's been dumped for the new baby, how gracious she is about it depends on her personality but don't expect her to be so stupid that she won't put two and two together on the dates!

Could you or DH get in touch with her boyfriend and double check he can do the New York date? If he can then you can definitely present this as an all expenses paid gift for her and her BF. I bet she’d love that! Very different scenario if she already knew and was excited about going with her dad but as it’s a complete unknown I think this can be sorted.