Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

@Jessforless Don't be silly. Why would someone dying feel those things?

It's not like that for everyone but all the friends I've known have had all of those things. And we've not even touched on baby blues or PND.

I'm delighted for women who don't but it's best to prepare for the worst.

How many times...!!!! The sheer idiocy on display here is incredible!

It is not about the fucking tennis!!

The OP and her partner have fucked up his DD's 18th treat. They need to find a compromise that works for everyone.

DH worked away from home long-term which meant he was away from home 2 nights a week leaving me with a newborn and a toddler under 2, with no support. I just fucking had to get on with it!!!

The point is we can go through all that shit and come out the other end fine.

You’re being melodramatic because it serves your purpose. All of that stuff - might- happen, but equally might not. Even if it does women have been managing for millions of years. Of course if there is a last minute emergency things might be different, but this is am hysterical hyperbole.

This is about the OP wanting herself to be prioritised over the daughter. This is selfish, she is the “grown up ‘ ( as you say 18 is only when the world sees you as the adult, the brain doesn’t actually reach the adult form til mid 20s) & this risks the entire future of the family and how the existing child feels about her place in the world.

They could have held off a month, it isn’t ideal but I think the child is more important that the ostensible adult, and the change in the tone of OPs posts makes it very clear this is about her wants and needs, and that she thinks the daughter is being made too much of a fuss ( i won’t go to the distaste that leaves in my mouth).

I think you’re projecting.

I think he's nervous about telling her, not because of what it is at all, but because of when it is, and because he knows he's letting her down on this trip, (she doesn't know yet obviously, but HE knows he's letting her down).

I'm firmly in the camp that he should still take her on this trip, it was absolutely ridiculous of you both to start trying for a baby 11-12 months before this trip and her special coming of age / pre leaving home birthday was planned for, I'm gobsmacked to be honest, so you should work it out between you as to not let her down.

If I was you I'd give her the trip but ask her who she wants to take and keep everything crossed that she wants to take her boyfriend. I can't really feel sorry for your partner, unless he didn't know when it was you came off the pill, I'm assuming you planned it together but the wording is a little unclear on your OP if you'd discussed it then you came off the pill, or you discussed it and both planned for you to come off the pill at a certain time, in which case, why didn't you discuss the potential dates?

She will be gutted not to have Dad with her- a friend or boyfriend just isn't the same.

Genuinely, I'd have been more "gutted" at that age if my Dad had suggested he wanted to go with me tbh 😂 I'd have genuinely preferred to go with my mates at that age, or my boyfriend.

Fucking hell!!! It's HARDER with two!!!

This is from booking.com for the hotel booked so it should be fine.

I just never think this is helpful. Apologies but why would anyone want to hear before they’re even 12 weeks cracked and bleeding this that and the other. Having a baby is absolutely magical at its core. I wish more people would focus on some positive experiences, no wonder first time mothers are terrified.

Why are you so fixated on whether or not women have given birth? Well it is MUMSnet so at a wild guess I would say most posting here have!!!

I am fixated on if they've given birth because of all the nonsense being posted by women who are supposed to support other women.

And you clearly don't know much about MN if you think all posters are a) women b) have given birth .

There are LOADS of young and older women on here without children.

The OP and her partner have fucked up his DD's 18th treat.

Fuck me dead! How many times must it fucking be said? The daughter DOES...NOT....EVEN....FUCKING.....KNOW....about the fucking trip!!!! So HOW can they have 'fucked up' anything?

FUCK SAKE!!

The OP and her partner have fucked up his DD's 18th treat.

Let's not be hyperbolic. Amended it, is what they've done. In their minds, too. Since daughter is not aware of it.

Impact on daughter = non existent.

@Jessforless 100% this. No need to terrify a woman before she’s even given birth. No-one is saying it’s a pleasant experience. But it’s not completely unsurvivable without a partner. Pop the baby in a bouncer while you grab a two min shower if they don’t sleep at all in the day (unlikely). Prepare food in advance. Forgot housework for 10 days.

@SoreAndTired1

I know right 😂😂😂
Craziness to a whole new level

I was quite happy being on my own for a couple of weeks after my first was born. Due to covid, my partner was an essential worker and spent a lot of time in hotels
and we couldn't even have friends or family visit.

I couldn't have done that with a toddler running about too, that sounds like hell on earth!

I don't know where I stand on the holiday in this situation but I do feel sorry for the 18 year old DD. It sounds like she has been through a lot and has been very accepting of her dads new girlfriend, despite losing her mum at such a young age. I doubt she will be able to go on this trip with the boyfriend unless he is over 21 so just another thing she will need to take on the chin.

"My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced."

I think you underestimate the grief that comes with losing a parent so young. It's irrelevant if she appears happy and content with her life. She has one remaining parent and the 18th birthday is so special. We took our daughter to New York for one of her special birthdays and she always talks about it. Has she been to America before? Lots of young people have an idolised view of the America, so I bet she'll be over the moon with the US Open tickets, it's such a great gift idea.

If your partner is super nervous, it's probably because he knows deep down, this timing isn't great and his daughter will be affected. This isn't just her dad not being able to share a special trip with, it's also the fact it's because he'll be playing happy families back home without her.

I do hope you realise in time why it's important he goes on this trip with his daughter. The sooner you tell her the sooner you'll all have a better idea of how she's feeling. Maybe you're right, perhaps she'll be over the moon. She should at least be a part of the discussion. Otherwise she might feel left out

She'll be learning all about that at ante natal so consider it an early course.

It's for all the other posters who are talking as if looking after a 2 week baby is a doddle.

@StillStuckInTheShed

some women can, some women can’t. Many women have ptsd type birth trauma and/or post partum depression or even post partum psychosis. Let’s not pretend all women are fine after birth. Women have been sold that bullshit for decades. Enough.

Which is horrendously sad, and of course the DSD will never stop missing her mother. But assuming her relationship with her dad is a good one, I don't think it means having a new sibling will be upsetting. (If she was younger it would probably be different.)

There's everything they could have done. Like use a fucking condom for ONE MONTH!!

And does that invalidate their opinion? No.

Just the one baby I take it?

Having a baby is absolutely magical at its core.

Agreed. Hence why mother AND father should both be there when said baby arrives into the world!

Have you not got somewhere you need to be? Like, now? Urgently??

Maybe they have teens and realise just how much those teens need their parents?

Emotionally my teens have needed me way more than they did when they were newborn... or even toddlers. There is a whole load of hoops to jump through which I will argue are way more tricky than "is she hungry, tired, needs to shit, needs to burp, be taken out in the buggy/carrier." I never feared for my daughter's life as much as when she was self harming and suicidal aged 16. Babies need you for very obvious things that, whilst being somewhat overwhelming with your firstborn, are pretty much the same: feed, love, sleep. Teens are way more tricky. And I say that as someone who had an absolute shit of a firstborn who rarely slept, wouldn't breastfeed and had horrendous colic until he was 3 months old.