Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

I’m not suggesting her partner leaves her for good…. Just for a 10 day trip that they planned and booked WHILE TTC. Surely the sensible option was to hold off for a month…

@theconfidenceofwho

technically yes but it wouldn’t be nice or healthy for her would it

Yeah, don't do this.

He is just nervous about telling his daughter. Maybe scared about being a new dad again after so long. I'm sure he is excited but just getting his head round the change and feeling some responsibility for his DD. Hopefully this tells you he is a good parent!

Are you perhaps a poster who's never had a baby?

Do you know what to 'soldier' on means?

It means being so sore that you can hardly sit down or move in bed as you have tight stitches in your perineum. And you're bleeding too.

It means your nipples are so sore with feeding (if you do) that they are cracked and bleed. You want to feed your baby but it's agony and you cry.

It means going to the loo for a wee or more is agony, just taking those steps to the bathroom.

It means your baby may cry for hour and hours until you are beside yourself with worry and don't know what to do, or if they are ill.

I means you are feeding day and night often every two hours.

At some point you have to shower, wash your hair, make some food, eat it, sleep,.

Fine, it's okay if your partner chooses to take a tennis trip (which can be done another year) and let's you soldier on.
His 18 year old needs to bond with him.

Being 18 is not a key stage of life.

It's a birthday when the LAW regards you as an adult.
That's all it is.

Of course it is, DH left me with a 2 week old and a 2.5 year old. You just need to be organised.

Nope, not at that age. 10 days alone with my boyfriend in a hotel room though? I would have grabbed that with both hands!

Now, age 40, I'd leave my husband at home and take my dad instead 😂

Depends what she orders @LuckySantangelo35 plus she could always prep in advance & batch cook. There are ways this could work. Not ideal for the Op but workable obviously.

There's wiser eating grass. So boring.

I’m glad he decided he can’t go on the trip, unlike people at this thread at least this man gets supporting his partner with a baby. I do appreciate it would be a wrench, so I’d be very sympathetic. Timing is tricky, but there’s nothing you can do about it. Nobody can bet on the timing unless they’ve had 6 children and it’s taken exactly the same time for all of them. Although people on this thread do sem to think they’ve cracked the mysteries of conception and presumably could make billions in the fertility industry, no idea why they aren’t off doing that.

Of course it is, DH left me with a 2 week old and a 2.5 year old. You just need to be organised.

why did he leave you?

I expect he didn't leave you with your first baby when it was week old.

Newborns sleep all day? Well mine never got that memo! This thread is nuts.

Op it’s probably a shock for your partner as it’s a lot going on. Give it a bit time to time, make sure baby is healthy and you’ve had your scan. No my husband would never abandon me with a newborn baby lol. Maybe you will suddenly find it ‘fine’ in which case he can do something special with her then.

@StillStuckInTheShed

as women we shouldn’t be seeing it almost like some kind of competition of who can suffer most in the post partum period - it’s not a race to the bottom.

You clearly think childbirth is easy and who cares if OP/baby gets sick/medical emergency, all that matters is a tennis match, right?

as women we shouldn’t be seeing it almost like some kind of competition of who can suffer most in the post partum period - it’s not a race to the bottom.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

He went to do a first aid course. DH was back at work when my first was a week old, as are many fathers.

Um just a thought but there is a strong chance the partner won’t want to leave his newborn baby and wife who has just given birth…

Also what if the baby is overdue? Early? What ridiculous comments.

@StillStuckInTheShed we aren't discussing if the baby did okay we're worried about the mother.

Thankfully her partner is better than all the race to the bottom posters here.

Why are you so fixated on whether or not women have given birth? Well it is MUMSnet so at a wild guess I would say most posting here have!!!

That’s your experience….. plenty of newborns do sleep in the day. And even if they don’t, it’s 10 days. You say your husband would never abandon you with a newborn baby but how would you feel about your husband abandoning that baby in 18 years time for a new baby with someone else.

It sounds like he's just been struck with the reality of the sort of sacrifices, challenges and compromises that his decision will actually entail. That doesn't make him a bad person or mean he isn't actually willing to make those sacrifices, in fact the fact that he's cancelled the trip suggests quite the opposite. But it's natural to mourn the things we can see ourselves losing, even as we know that wonderful things that will more than compensate for those losses are coming down the line. So yes - it sounds like it's just the start of a period of inevitable mental adjustment.

Of course it is, DH left me with a 2 week old and a 2.5 year old. You just need to be organised.

Oh right ok. Silly me. The reason I and my friend and so many other women I know suffered with PND and needed support in those early days was because we weren't "organised" enough. 👍🏻

Unfortunately, my many shelves of new folded baby clothes, baby books, and nappies funnily enough did not prevent my postnatal mental illness for which I needed my partner very much in those early weeks.

I've had kids with difficult births and lost family tragically at a young age.

The bereavement and ongoing grief impacted me far more than the births ever did.

He went to do a first aid course. DH was back at work when my first was a week old, as are many fathers.

Arent you even a little bit ashamed of guilt tripping the OP into thinking it's ok for him to go? (He's not going, anyway.)

Being out at work and contactable is not the same as being an 8 hr flight away in the US is it?

Ridiculous comparison.

I mean, it doesn’t always mean this 😂

Why do you think it’s helpful to make having a baby comparable to freaking dying?

OP, it is absolutely not always like this and hasn’t been for anyone I know. I discharged myself the day after a C section and encouraged DH to stop at a coffee shop. I then had everyone in my family over that evening and we all had takeaway.

I spent the next few days in newborn bliss of holding, cuddling, feeding… but definitely not bleeding / too sore to live / can’t walk / cracked / what else did you say??

Managed to eat and shower too… babies sleep 😅

It's not like he's missing the birth itself- I'd let him go on the trip with his daughter.
She will be gutted not to have Dad with her- a friend or boyfriend just isn't the same.

Especially is it's such a big birthday, and she has lost her mum.

The baby won't know or care- they just want mum.