Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Have you given birth @LaurieStrode ?

Because it sounds as if you haven't.
Have you had your fanny stitched up or a C section so you can barely get out of bed as the stitches pull and it's agony. Have you had sore nipples that bleed when you feed? Have you had so many nights with no sleep that you are almost hallucinating?

I bet not.

The OP didn't choose a sperm donor.

She chose her partner.

Another of these men, good grief. He had sex with a partner in an agreed 'trying to conceive' situation with no contraception, on purpose, and now he has a problem and is making the pregnancy less than exciting and wonderful for you? Pfft. He's showing you who he is, a little bit, isn't he? Hope this is a one off and he sorts himself out pronto and apologises.

It's his job to tell her in whatever tactful way he thinks best, soon, and deal with any issues, making it clear if necessary that if she has a problem that she is not to take it out on you or the child due course, but can work through it with Dad or in counselling or whatever she prefers. Which from your description I doubt she will but you never know, the teens and exams and turning 18 are a big deal and unpredictable.

The two adults in this scenario really haven't been very sensible.

You could have avoided TTC for one or two months and avoided this issue completely.

I honestly believe that that dad & daughter NYC trip should still go ahead; why should she be punished because neither of you were considering her and the massive impact this new child would have on her life?

You've started this extended family off badly by making your DSD an afterthought in the planning of it, which seems such a shame when she's clearly trying to please everyone around her (with tidy room, good grades etc).

Poor girl has already been through so much ☹️

@Psychonabike

you can’t just lie about with baby for hours on end when you’re on your own though can you? At some point OP would need to make meals, put washing on, do some housework, wash her hair etc

No, for the avoidance of doubt I don’t think it ok for any new baby.

Exactly.

The timing is LIFE. Sometimes you can't wrap things up in a neat little bow. Those life events can run concurrently. Congratulations on the pregnancy btw.

The two adults in this scenario really haven't been very sensible.

You could have avoided TTC for one or two months and avoided this issue completely.

You aren't being sensible in your comments.

At 38 every month counts.

There may not be another month when it happened.

👏🏻

Haven't read the full thread, but he should not be arranging to go away unless it is both for a life-changing reason and completely agreed not under duress with his partner, with something put in place such as a maternity nurse to support mother and baby while he is away. My first baby came almost a fortnight after EDD, so he could well be away at the birth so she would need to have an alternative birth partner or doula organised and preferably attending antenatal classes too!

Anyone saying different as has been alluded to and generally having a go at this woman is, indeed, batshit.

I just wondered

The way that you kept saying ‘first’ baby, repeatedly. I thought you light be ok if it wasn’t the first.

It would make a huge difference, for years to come, if he went ahead with this trip with his eldest before he disappears into the baby years again.

Posters are putting a lot of emotional weight on this trip. It's just a trip. Yes, it's exciting and expensive, but that's all it is.

I've been on lots of trips with my dad as a kid and an adult. They were all nice. None of them are the reason I feel loved by my dad.

Presumably DSD and her dad have a good relationship. She will feel loved.

I think a lot of people are also overestimating how much time 18yos want to spend with their parents, as well! At that age more than any other I would have rather done pretty much anything other than being stuck with one of my parents 24/7 for ten days.

GREAT POST!

who could possibly argue with this?!

All of this with bells on!

I think his reaction is understandable and actually from what you’ve said about his daughter it’s most likely he is thinking about her on her 18th birthday being without her mum and potentially now without her dad too (if she’s away and he doesn’t go).

I would be kind and explain you understand why he’s worried. It is a huge deal for him and his daughter. It sounds like she may take it well and be fantastic but he is scared to risk his relationship with her and by the sounds of it upset what is a lovely apple cart going along.

I would ask him not to cancel his trip with her. Change the dates maybe or encourage him to go. His daughter (and your partner) will thank you forever for that. As harsh as this might sound his daughter was around before you and him and before the new baby and her 18th without her mum is a huge deal. If you really can’t handle him going then then delay it by a short time and on her actual birthday offer something really special too but maybe with her boyfriend as well as. But still her dad should make a big fuss of her on that day. That is hugely important still despite the new arrival.

If your partner is in all other ways being good and kind to you then I think you need to let this go and let him deal with his daughter and how this is going to make her feel in his own time. You having a baby will undoubtedly be reminding him of the first time he went through this / the wife he lost and also that his daughter lost her mum. That’s hard. With time he will come through that bit and be excited!

a friend of mine recently had a baby with her partner and he could not get excited at all as the day he found out about the pregnancy his mum was basically given a 6 month prognosis due to cancer. His mum died and baby was born shortly after. It’s been wonderful and he adores his son but up until the day he was born he just couldn’t get excited. I think he just felt too sad and maybe even guilty for any joy. All is fine now.

Thought you were gone??🙄

The OP can hire help for a few short days. Probably more useful than a dad anyway.

She might have to look after the baby on her own anyway. If she stops her partner going with his DD it's likely to cause massive resentment.

Is 'compromise' a foreign country?!

I do agree with the posts saying the daughter may not be that bothered about the trip though! If she doesn’t know about it perhaps changing the dates and doing something also lovely on the actual day (but at home) is a better idea. You can give her the gift or 2 x plane tickets or whatever it is on her birthday? If she’s not requested this trip specifically with her Dad I mean. If she has asked to do it I’d let him take her.

@adriftinadenofvipers

Sorry let me be clearer - I am disengaging FROM YOU and the other ridiculous argumentative poster.

I am continuing to engage with the rest of the thread and anyone else on it I deem worthy of my time and comments, as I wish.

Hth.

🙄 back at you

Love how people try to police your contributions to a thread 😂😂

who could possibly argue with this?!

Oh, but they will 🤣

Not even to pursue a shared passion?

Says she who's literally been arguing with her toenails all evening!! 😂

I really think he should go - and you should both tell her that is what you want, as it her special birthday. It would be a great opportunity to show her that her needs are important too. As for the baby - get someone to stay with you. Plenty of women whose husbands work overseas manage like this. As long as you are open and upfront, this is an opportunity for her to have another sibling - which she may love.

Mate, I genuinely believe my toenails would have more common sense and intellect at this point 😂😂😂