Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

Yup. No way will OP want to be left with a toddler while her DP goes off on a luxury jolly with his adult DD.

Can imagine the MN post already.

DD will probably have DC of her own before that’s an option.

I’d encourage him to go with his DD. You and your new baby have the rest of your lives together. 10 days is nothing. Baby won’t be bothered.

Do you have a child?

Do you understand the sheer terror of being alone with a crying baby for the first few weeks if you have no family or anyone around?

Of course the baby won't understand.

But the OP will be.

Such a heartless and non-empathetic post. Putting a tennis trip ahead of caring for a new born.

Living with someone whose mum had died only a few years previously was really sobering. Especially in a year when there are A'Levels, a prom, going to uni, an 18th birthday. It was a roller coaster ride for her emotionally and I did everything to make her feel welcome and loved, even though this was very different as there was no dad on the scene. The depth of sadness was evident after some months of "oh she's such a nice, quiet girl." Yes, she was quiet because she was absolutely broken by the death of her mum and had internalised everything.

One of my best friends lost his dad last year and he was a different person afterwards: really angry and nasty. Understandable. Except, after counselling, he realised that all the anger came from not facing up to the death of his mum when he was 16. his dad was old, and sick, it was time. But all the repressed emotions around the death of his mum resurfaced and he couldn't deal with them, it was so overwhelming.

Anyway, got sidetracked. But there is a level of empathy, care and consideration here during a fragile year that really needs to be addressed.

I was on my own with my first for two weeks when she was 2 days old. I had friends pop by and the health visitor. AS will find out that her father cancelled and be heartbroken\ resent the baby. And the BF may not last either so I don't get why he's stepping into the father's role so readily...?

I can see why you'd not be too excited by this prospect OP, particularly as you never know how the birth (and therefore recovery) will be. But I am pretty shocked that you repeatedly say "for tennis" and wilfully ignore that the trip is much bigger than a sporting event. It's to mark a major milestone in the life of a child who's had a really difficult time (and sounds like she's been truly amazing given the circumstances).

I think you should be the adult and prioritise SD at this time, however that looks. I think once you do have your own baby you'll be a lot more sympathetic to all the posters saying to let him go.

For what it's worth, when my child was 3 weeks old her dad got quarantined for 8 days in a travel lodge 600 miles away. I had no visitors because COVID and I was recovering from a complicated c section and a huge blood loss. If someone told me beforehand this would happen I would've been horrified but actually I still quietly reflect on that time as one of the nicest periods of early motherhood. Just me and my sweet girl hanging out, cuddling and breastfeeding and going for little walks in the park.

Anyway, don't ask for advice if you don't really want it 😆 regardless of what you decide i hope you have a smooth pregnancy and a lovely time getting to know your new baby.

A baby that small only needs milk & sleep with its mother. It doesn't give a shit where its dad is.

And what about what the new mother needs? ie . Support?

The baby won't care if DH is gone, but there's no guarantee OP will have an easy birth and will be physically fit in time for the trip. If it were 3-4 days that would be one thing, but 10 days is too long for so much uncertainty.

Better to gift a certain trip with a friend than an uncertain one with DH.

Oh so you have a crystal ball do you?

Heartbroken blah blah blah.

She can go WITH HER BOYFRIEND.

Because she’s having a fucking baby! Which likely WILL be a genuine once in a lifetime experience for her, as stated in the first post. AND the daughter will still get to go on the trip.

Is everyone on this thread 15? I actually cannot believe the immaturity on display here. It is NOT okay to leave a new mom alone with a 3 week old baby. It is NOT okay to guilt her for needing her support system.

It's clear these posters have never given birth or had a baby to look after.

@LouLouPat

You really think he should be away from his newborn child for 10+ days for tennis?

Yes!

Is this your first child? Your judgement may be clouded by this...

Newborns feed, sleep and poop. The whole first 3 months is like another trimester of pregnancy except the baby is on the outside. It can actually be quite nice to just lay around with baby, certainly for the first couple of weeks, going with the flow, gradually working up to getting out for your first few walks with the pram. If you need support with this, it may be just as good to have from other family members.

Once kids are moving through their teens, and hitting the transition into adulthood you really realise how much they really need you, the human who raised them and knows them best.

This man is about to move into another phase in his life where he is going to be hugely busy again with a young child.

It would make a huge difference, for years to come, if he went ahead with this trip with his eldest before he disappears into the baby years again. It will make next to no difference to the baby if he is away for this short time at that early stage.

The person it makes a difference to is you. And I hate to say it but if the eldest was yours, you would most likely prioritise them over you. Parents of multiple kids do this all the time -dad gets less involved with the youngest each time, as he gets taken up with prioritising older child and ensuring they don't feel abandoned while mum breastfeeds, recovers etc. And mum's manage because they have to. This may be your first, but your situation is more of a second child...

@LemonMeringueMmm yep

EXACTLY!!

its not all just about the baby - OP matters too

Why do people say shit like this?

Most posters actually have kids.

@LuckySantangelo35
Yep! Starting to think I'm in a parallel universe 🥴

Is everyone on this thread 15? I actually cannot believe the immaturity on display here. It is NOT okay to leave a new mom alone with a 3 week old baby. It is NOT okay to guilt her for needing her support system.

They do sound 15 or never had a baby.

She could be so sore and full of stitches that she can barely get out of bed, to make herself a meal.

FGS what is wrong with people here tonight?

Oh, come on. Loads of women produce offspring with NO partner on hand whatsoever. And they cope. Many do so by choice; others are abandoned by their sperm donors, but most of them muster it up and handle the situation. This teen only needs a few days of her dad's undivided attention and as far as I'm concerned, considering what she's been put through the past six years, she deserves it.

This thread is absolutely bonkers. I cannot imagine another thread where a new mother would be castigated for not wanting her partner to go away for 10 days potentially within days of her first baby being born. Absolutely fecking bonkers. The daughter doesn’t even know about the trip and there are alternatives. There are no alternatives to the day your first baby is born. I can’t even remember what I did for my 18th, whereas the first days of being a mother are seared in my memory.

So they can postpone the US Open then?

I just don’t understand it. When we were TTC we deliberately stopped for a few months so that my due date wouldn’t clash with my husband’s brother’s wedding (which was in France). Because my husband loves his brother and loves me and thought about the impact it would have on us both. It wasn’t difficult.

As I’ve said earlier in the thread it’s very weird behaviour to spend thousands on tickets to the US Open then deliberately TTC a baby to coincide with it. My guess is that this baby wasn’t quite as planned as OP would have us believe - at least not jointly.

? I actually cannot believe the immaturity on display here. It is NOT okay to leave a new mom alone with a 3 week old baby. It is NOT okay to guilt her for needing her support system.

Well fucking said that woman.

The first days of being a mother are a blur to me.

So it would be ok if it was the mother’s second ?

the first days of being a mother are seared in my memory.

Oh god same!! Both times round.

Yes. I have had 4 including twins born by c-section with a DH who worked away.

HTH.

It’s not just a tennis trip! What a lack of insight in your post.