Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

Good.

that gif where there's a stick man with "the point" going over their head was made entirely for you and this comment

It’s my birthday today. I’m decades older than the daughter in question but I still feel a bit sad every year that my mum isn’t here. I had my mum until I was well into middle age. This poor girl hardly had any years with her mother. I can’t imagine how she will feel going through all these life changes without her mum by her side. Her father shouldn’t alter his plans for her birthday.

Yes a trip for your 18th bday is the norm in my circle. You'll be fine for a few days he has lots of time to bond, she's only got one 18th bday.

It's not ideal for you but I'll be shouldn't cancel th trip. If you feel unable to manage them draft in some help. His daughter deserves the treat, and the space, before she leaves home.

It’s not a reach.

You said you didn’t resent your dad having more children because you aren’t a selfish arse.

Thats clearly saying the teen would be a selfish arse if she takes this badly. Because only a selfish arse would have an issue.

It appears you have no problem writing this stuff, but don’t like it when people pointing out the massive problems with what you are saying.

I think if she will enjoy going with her boyfriend or a friend then you just present it to her as a gift on those terms and never mention the original plan of her dad to go with her. It's an incredibly generous gift and I am sure she will be absolutely bowled over.
On her dad's feelings, it's natural to worry about how having another child will make your oldest child feel, no matter how mature the older child is. It will be a change to the dynamic of their relationship and that will make him feel an element of sadness but he can also be happy about the new baby at the same time. It's also bound to be more emotional based on the fact that he is her only parent and they have gone through a lot together. And on top of that the new baby is coinciding with her becoming an adult and leaving home. That is a LOT of emotion for him to deal with. I do think the right thing to do is to stay home with you though. Even if all goes well, having your first baby is scary and emotional and it sounds like you don't have any other support. Plus this is time when he would be ideally getting to know his new child.

I would suggest he goes to the US open with his daughter for her 18th. I can’t see any issue with 10 days with a new born alone.

@Wheresthefibre

Yawn. Disengaging. 👍🏻

There will be plenty of opportunities for them to travel together

OP has just decided that a once in a lifetime trip to the US Open including semi final tickets (which really is an amazing thing for any tennis fan) can be replaced by a dinner and a couple of presents and also thinks that "that's plenty". Based on that, I am pretty sure this 18 year old hasn't got a snowball in hell's chance of taking a trip with her father ever again.

@adriftinadenofvipers 👍🏻

But YOU will know. You and your partner will.

"That's plenty" eh?

OPs health and wellbeing matters too, post-partum is a very vulnerable time, particularly for mental health

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

We will do a meal the night before, a party the day off, lots of lovely gifts and he can take her to the pub for her first legal drink.

That sounds lovely OP.

Yes of course.

How many times have you said you are out already?

There are some really odd comments here.

For a start, a couple of 38 and 46 don't want to 'wait' for the perfect time to TTC.
At 38 every month counts.
And the OP was super lucky to conceive almost immediately.
Not all women are.

So maybe stop saying they should have waited.

Secondly, all this stuff about she ought to be married.

I do think though @LouLouPat that you should be talking about being a joint owner of the house you're in.

if you do split up, you'd be left with nothing other than child maintenance.

Your baby could be up to 2 weeks late as you have said.

Is your partner just embarrassed that this is an obvious sign of the sex you've had?

I know that when I was pregnant in my 30s I felt a bit shy of telling my parents (they were very Victorian in their attitudes to sex) so maybe that's what he's worried about.

Based on that, I am pretty sure this 18 year old hasn't got a snowball in hell's chance of taking a trip with her father ever again.

And? She doesn't even know the trip is planned.

There are years and years ahead when she can do something with her father.

Mine spent years driving our DCs up and down the country for uni and moving their stuff from flat to flat.

Maybe not a jolly but plenty of time to bond.

It can be postponed until around Christmas when she’s back from uni.

Yes a trip for your 18th bday is the norm in my circle.
This must be very new.

My DCs are older but even when they were 18, they didn't do trips.

I can't even think of what they did.
Nothing special.

It's a bit chavvy IMO to make such a thing over being 18.

They'd rather have had the cash to buy a car, or pay uni fees.

Your DP should definitely not cancel the trip with his DD. It’ll probably be the last time they get to spend any quality time together with him having a new baby and her going off to Uni.

I think it’s really important also for her to have this time to process the new baby after it’s been born (so it is actually real in a sense), her Dad moving on with a new life as a father to someone else, becoming an adult, finishing exams, moving out to Uni and her Mum not being there for her milestones. It’s a lot happening at the same time and the opportunity of some quality bonding time with her Dad who’s always been a constant for her, with all the massive changes to come, will be important for how she copes with it all.

I wouldn’t let a pair of 18 year olds (assume her bf is the same age) go to NY alone anyway! If you’d been recently you’d know why! I thought you had to be accompanied by an over 21 for a hotel too.

You have time to organise support to help you care for the baby while they are away. As PP have says on the balance of probabilities, birth will be uneventful and you’ll recover quickly. If not, you can cross that bridge if you come to it.

I’d encourage him to go with his DD. You and your new baby have the rest of your lives together. 10 days is nothing. Baby won’t be bothered.

I was going to say you'd probably be fine on your own with a newborn because they mostly just sleep at that age but that was before I saw it was 10 days!

I'm sure your DH is disappointed but honestly your DSD would almost certainly prefer to go with her boyfriend than her dad anyway.

The fact that the two of you are getting her such an amazing gift is more than good enough, and even more so if he's also taking her elsewhere at a more convenient time. No, it's not the norm for 18yos to get massively expensive trips away for their birthday (mine certainly didn't!).

It sounds like you're all lovely people. I imagine it's missing out on the trip and the fantasy of the great time they would have had that's bothering DH the most. The reality of pregnancy can bring up feelings you didn't expect to have. I'm sure he'll adjust soon.

Congratulations, OP.

Oh, come off it OP - like you’d permit the trip to be delayed a year, when it’ll then coincide with your baby’s first birthday!

Your DP should definitely not cancel the trip with his DD. It’ll probably be the last time they get to spend any quality time together with him having a new baby and her going off to Uni.

This is nonsense.

He cannot leave the OP with a baby a few days old.
The DD doesn't even know about the trip.

Did you miss that bit?

Hopefully she will have another 40 years with her Dad, so they can bond in other ways in the future.

What a load of fuss over a blinking birthday.

I think you have misread because your comment on the back of mine makes no sense.

This. Just go ahead with the trip. LOADS of women cope without their partner. It doesn't have to be a big deal if you don't want it to be. A baby that small only needs milk & sleep with its mother. It doesn't give a shit where its dad is.