Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

I'm quite sure she doesn't want to think of them having sex in the first place, at 17!

Is this a joke?😂😂😂

Jesus wept.

If he’s spent THOUSANDS on tickets I assume he can shell out for a live in nanny for 10 days. He’s not going for tennis. He’s doing this for his daughter who has one parent and who will be missing her mother terribly. I didn’t have my own mother on my 40th. I am an adult. And I still found the day very very tough.

There will be plenty of time for him to bond with your baby. In fact I assume DSD1 will
be off to Uni soon anyway. And your DSD also gets one 18th birthday- her transition to adulthood without her beloved mother.

If it is possible to hire help I would strongly encourage DP to go even if for a few days.

She's getting three seperate celebrations for her 18th birthday. Aswell as an all expenses paid trip to NYC for a major sporting event. Honestly it hits more like OVERcompensating. Her father is planning multiple Wimbledon trips with her, other abroad opens. He's going with her for all the uni stuff. They're celebrating her a levels. Christ she's got a massively involved father and step mother who is still going to push herself to make this girls birthday special, she'll have a days old baby while setting up a party.

A woman giving birth does not have to give up everything to make everybody else happy. It's unfortunate how the dates have fallen. But it wasn't deliberate and the girl is bloody 18, moving on with her own life. She's not going to get jealous of a newborn baby. OPs health and wellbeing matters too, post-partum is a very vulnerable time, particularly for mental health. OP has no other support.

Aww OP he might just be nervous. 18th birthday will be emotional for both of them.
Give him a few weeks

It may baffle you, but you are not a 17 year old motherless girl who is in the midst of a stressful year of her life.

Obviously she is not being replaced - however she may feel like she is, and her feelings matter. Hugely.

Just because your 17 year old DSD wants to be an older sibling, this girl may not. It may never have occurred to her that there would ever be a baby.

And you know that? God bless you and your crystal ball.

@Wheresthefibre

Except he IS giving it to her - just for her and A N Other. Lovely gift if you ask me.

My other parent was dead too at 17. I've already explained this. My dad didn't do any grand gestures or trips. He just loved me and was there for me. Guess what - I'm not scarred for life because he didn't pull out all the stops on my 18th. Quite the opposite- I have a shit tonne of love and respect for the man who raised me and my siblings through the hell of his own grief and was there for us unconditionally. You know what I also didn't do? I didn't hold it against my poor bereaved father that he dared to re marry and move on and have more kids. Because I'm not a selfish arse.

My own daughter's boyfriend's age isn't relevant so I'm not answering that.

It’s absolutely not the norm. My 18th birthday was in the middle of final exams and many of my friends had a similar experience. I think there was cake and champagne and a few friends round.

I actually can’t believe the number of people who think it’s okay to leave you alone with a brand new baby, especially since you don’t know how difficult the birth might be. If you have a c-section you will need all the help you can get.

A trip for the daughter and a friend/boyfriend is an amazing gift. Way way more than most people would ever dream of for a birthday present, even for a big milestone birthday.

There will be plenty of opportunities for them to travel together or for you all to travel together as a family in the future if that’s what you want. Life happens. A baby needs both parents at such a vulnerable time and a new mom needs support. A grown up teenager doesn’t need a holiday with their parent - it’s not a necessity. At that age I certainly would have rather travelled with a friend or boyfriend anyway!

And all the talk of “once in a lifetime opportunity” is ridiculous. It’s not a trip to space. It doesn’t sound like this trip is the result of decades of saving up and there will never be money for travel again. It sounds like there will be plenty of opportunities for more trips in the future.

@adriftinadenofvipers

Of course I'm not, and I feel for this girl. But you're assuming that she's going to have such a bad reaction, nearly everyone is. What is that about? She may be very excited, she may not. No one knows until she's told.

This. you can surely manage for a couple of days.

Of course it's not a fucking joke - have you actually ever met a teen?!!! Wise up!!

It would have given mine the absolute ick at that age.

What a peculiar thing to say!!

I know that, but the girl's father needs to be prepared!!

Your owns daughters boyfriends age is relevant. Because there’s quite a few restrictions based on age in the US.

You don’t need to answer but it is relevant.

It’s great you and your dad have a great relationship. Not sure what that impacts.

Who said the girl here is going to resent him for having another baby? We are talking about the trip. Which we have covered.

And quite frankly calling teens who would have an issue a ‘selfish arse’, suggests you aren’t quite as happy as you make out. Who likes to have digs at teenagers who don’t deal with something as perfectly as you did?

You'd think so wouldn't you.

@adriftinadenofvipers

Have I met a teen?? Erm, I've already said - have one? 🤦🏼‍♀️

You think she's not aware that me and her stepfather have sex?! She's fucking 17 and having sex herself 😂

Jesus Christ.

You really think he should be away from his newborn child for 10+ days for tennis?

Timing is not ideal but the 'tennis' is irrelevant here. It is an indication of you wanting him to choose you over his DD.

We will do a meal the night before, a party the day off, lots of lovely gifts and he can take her to the pub for her first legal drink. That’s plenty.

Compared to a tennis fanatic seeing the action at the USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center? Doesn't compare.

She won't turn 18 again though. And she's unlikely to be 'supplanted' by a new sibling around a significant life event either.

I think they should go in September, see the semis and final, and the OP should have some form of mother's help hired to support her with the baby. The baby does not need both parents for a few days.

Is she likely to suss this was intended for her and her dad until the baby came along? After all, tennis is ‘their’ thing.

She sounds a sensible, levelheaded person, but don’t forget even these people have feelings and teenagers cannot be expected to always be rational. Especially at a time where she’ll be experiencing so much change - new sibling, turning 18 and leaving home for university.

She may feel somewhat hoodwinked by a dad with whom she’s so far shared a close relationship.

Are you very religious? You keep repeating Jesus Christ. It's offensive.

Well you don't know very much about teens. They don't want to think about what they consider old people having sex.

Yours must be very unusual.

The more I think about it, the more I’m finding it difficult to believe that someone would shell out thousands on tickets to the US Open for their daughter’s 18th then deliberately TTC a baby without thinking about the timing.

Being two grown adults knowing how things work I’m surprised you didn’t hold off trying for a baby. It would have saved all this aggro! No one is going to get the full attention they deserve.

*Don't you think the dad should be pulling out all the fucking stops to celebrate it all and compensate in some small way for the absence of her mother?!!

I don't think you understand anything tbh.*

No, I don't think that.

And it's a fucking insult to tell someone who lost their mother as a kid that I don't understand.

I'm out.

Bizarre isn’t it!

@adriftinadenofvipers

They don't "WANT" to think of it but they will KNOW about it. It's a fact of life innit.
Why pretend otherwise?

You don't have to be parading naked around the house and swinging from the chandeliers.

An older teen KNOWS sex between adults happens, whether they like it or not. Just as I don't have to relish the idea of my 17 year old having sex, to know she will be doing so

That was my point. Hope that clarifies.

No, I'm not religious but thank you for enquiring.