Partner a little upset about pregnancy timing

[LouLouPat]

I’ll start with some background, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, his wife passed away 6 years ago. He has a 17 year old daughter, she’s an only child.
We have been talking about having a baby, we expected it would take a while so I came off the pill in September, I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, due in August. We will likely only had this one baby, I’m 38, he’s 46.
August is also when his daughter turns 18, although not until the very end, and it’s when she will get her A-Level results and prepare to move for uni. Obviously this isn’t ideal timing for a new baby but we weren’t expecting it to happen so fast!!
My partner is super nervous about telling his DD, he thinks she may react badly or feel replaced.
I wouldn’t say she’s a normal teenager by any means, in fact I think she’s quite incredible. I’ve lived here for a year and her room is always spotless, she works part time, her school work is exemplary, she doesn’t hang out with people likely to get her in trouble and is very independent (she’s in a long distance relationship, every holiday they meet up sometimes all the way down in London or Devon (we are in the north west).
I honestly don’t think she will have a bad reaction she’s very sweet and just a lovely girl.
However It is making me sad that my partner isn’t excited to tell anyone, it’s making me doubt if he even wants this baby. It’s really getting me down.

So AIBU to feel down? Is the timing really so awful? How can we approach this tactfully?

I don't have any advice, but I can't believe how mean people are being about your and your partners choice to have a child, as if it's their life and business? My DH has 2 kids, 17 & 13, and we are currently TTC (had 4 mc sadly) the fact that people can even say he is replacing his kids is baffling to me. Like wow... I'd be so upset if someone said this about my DH because it's not the case at all. They stay with us half of the time & we are a blended family and are looking forward to becoming older siblings (especially DSD 17). Madness, people have such crazy opinions on lives that are not theres

Well of course if there is a medical crisis he cannot go. 🙄 But let's assume, based on the balance of probability, that there isn't a medical crisis. And it is not about a tennis match, it is about an 18 year old daughter that lost her mother and has reached a life milestone.

Imagine if your sole surviving parent didn’t care enough about you and one of the biggest milestones in your life to use contraception for a month. A few days, even.

I see why he’s upset about the timing, but it was very much avoidable with a bit of counting and some little-known items available called ‘condoms’.

Poor girl. Shows you the kind of father he is though.

Just from personal experience I think I would leave it until at least the 12 week point to tell anyone. Hopefully it will all be fine but unfortunately there are often issues when you conceive as older parents.

So we are encouraging the Dp here to implement ‘what you don’t know won’t hurt you’?

I'm not "encouraging" anything. I'm saying there's a whole load of fucking drama over nothing at this point - it's a plan the daughter doesn't even know about! It's like me having a fleeting thought to buy my daughter something amazing for Christmas and then going actually on second thoughts I can't afford that, I'll get her an alternative. She'd never know my original thought would she? So how's she going to be hurt by it?

She'll probably love the opportunity to holiday with her boyfriend or friend at that age! I know my 17 year old DD certainly would prefer that to a holiday with me🤷‍♀️

Well I wouldn't be happy sending 2 18 year olds off to NYC on their own unless they are confident, seasoned travellers - fucking US immigration scares me and I am far from 18!

I don't think you want alternative opinions on this. Just to reinforce that what you want to happen is right...

Please do not underestimate the shock this baby will be to your step daughter. And I echo someone upthread who said there may be way more going on with her than the surface 'keeps her room clean, studies all the time, no bad friends" etc. She lost her mum when she was 12 years and and had a step mum move in when she was 15. I would actually worry that she appears so unaffected and robust. There may be a whole lot buried. Her father is everything to her. Any hint that she is "losing him" or choosing another child over her will be taken very, very badly. Can you see this? My daughter's girlfriend virtually lived with us in the year before A'levels and during her 18th. Let me tell you the absence of her mum - who died several years prior - was felt extremely keenly. It was heartbreaking really.

The next months in the run up to A'Levels and going off to uni will be very stressful, especially if she cares and wants to do well. You will need to balance the excitement of your baby with the very large milestones being navigated by a teen who may well be very much not as "grounded" as you think she is.

I think your husband should go on his trip, and I say that as someone who was two weeks overdue and had a three day labour followed by an emergency c-section. If I had been in your situation, I'd have moved my mum in. With hindsight, that may have been a good thing as my husband was next to useless with a newborn anyway!

Yes there is. Threatening to terminate her only
pregnancy because he’s a little sad about the timing is manipulative bullshit. They are both too old to be pulling stupid stunts like that. Plus what if he says yes? That’s not going to help either of them is it. Why do you want OP to ruin her relationship?

Unfortunately (for OP) this has brought this "partnership" into sharp focus.

I would be getting married and insisting the trip happens and being bloody grown up about it.

Or, look up CMS payments to spur you on.

Is that you, Margaret Beaufort? She was a vicious bitch too 👏

@Saymyname28 i agree with you! Maybe DH has heart set on going with daughter but the situation has changed!

Wow this thread has really become derailed with this US tip stuff.

OP the timing of babies is never 'ideal' you need to sit down with your partner and really communicate. This is your first baby so of course you are super excited, for him its his second so perhaps there is a mix of the knowing the full scope of what is coming plus the history around his wife and DD? Have a cards on the table, honest chat. Find out what is going on with him and how he wants to approach speaking to your DSD.

She sounds like a level-headed girl and you can't, and shouldn't, aim to control her reaction on this. Yes she may have a lot of feelings that are complicated about the birth of a new sibling. She may be really happy about the whole thing. Or somewhere in between. You and her dad need to tell her.

You made the joint decision to try for a baby and he must be a decent human being if he raised such a lovely young woman. Hopefully he will work out what he feels about this and you can enjoy the pregnancy together.

I speak as someone who both lost my mum as a child, had half siblings in my teens after my dad remarried, AND had a 17 year old daughter myself.

And I'm still team OP here all the fucking way.

Does it make you happy to make bitchy comments like that about another woman's life?
You should be ashamed of yourself.

Is that you, Margaret Beaufort? She was a vicious bitch too 👏

😂

It’s absolutely abusive to use a termination as a manipulative tactic. Unless op actually wants to do that, saying ‘we could terminate’ when op doesn’t want to and only designed to get him to answer in the way op wants, is manipulative.

You may not think it is. But it doesn’t change that it is.

He isn’t spoiling the Ops pregnancy. Her pregnancy is going to be long. He currently has some feelings he is struggling with.

Yes he could have used contraception. So could Op.

Did you miss the part where he's already spent a fortune on tickets? (though I guess he could resell...)

Personally I do think it's mad to spend all that on an 18th birthday but in the sad circumstances, I think it would be lovely to give her a memory she will have for the rest of her life. Which the dad could have done if he and his Dp hadn't been so stupid!!!

You know what too - she doesn't maybe know now but these things have a horrible habit of coming out. Imagine how she would feel if such a treat was cancelled on her because her dad and his partner couldn't manage contraception for one goddamn month! I'm quite sure she doesn't want to think of them having sex in the first place, at 17!

I have a sneaking suspicion my opinion is very similar to yours

👏

This!

Feel gutted for her with the timing & can't understand why on earth you didn't wait 6 months or so?

This. 100%. That's literally saying she's replaced now so he can't go.

@adriftinadenofvipers

No, I did NOT miss the part where the tickets are already bought but - once again - that you for pointing that out.

My point is, regardless of the tickets being already bought, the daughter knows nothing of dad's original thinking that he might be the one to go with her. So he can equally present the tickets and suggest she takes her boyfriend/ close friend, and nothing has changed for the daughter.

@adriftinadenofvipers me and my friends travelled all over the world as young adults. The 3 scariest things that happened to me during that time happened in london.

No it’s not like that. It’s like you having a thought, booking it, planning it all out and then not giving her it.

And that thing would need to be arranging specially because you recognise your child might struggle due to fact that their other parent is dead.

How old is your 17 year olds boyfriend? My dd would rather go on a trip with me (19) if it was a for an interest we always shared.

You are encouraging it. You are saying she doesn’t know so it won’t hurt her. So it’s fine.

@TheDogIsInCharge an excellent post