To stay fat?

[thegreenlight]

I have struggled with my weight all my life. I managed to lose 3 stone about 20 years ago and kept it off, losing it again after 2 babies.

I was never happy with my body and always on a diet. Most family days out and holidays are marked by me trying to not put on weight. When we recently renovated our house my DH found notebook after notebook full of restrictive meal plans and calories.

I was put on medication after losing my lovely dad at the end of 2022 and have been so much happier. They are amazing and have treated the anxiety and depression I have had since my teens.

However, they have made me put in 2 stone going from a size 12 to a 14/16. I just don’t hate myself enough to say no! I cook healthy meals every night but won’t say no to the odd treat. I have been eating a lot of takeaway as I had no kitchen for 9 months which probably made the situation worse and isn’t happening anymore so that might make a difference! I turned 40 this year and have certainly felt it!

Also my DH can’t keep his hands off me now. He says he loves my body and bigger boobs and is like a besotted teenager again!

I feel so embarrassed about the weight gain but do I work on accepting it, purge my wardrobe of too small clothes and accept happy, fat me. Find a new style and rebuild myself (I feel like the old me does with my dad) or restrict enough to lose the weight and fit into all my lovely clothes?

so AIBU to stay fat?

Honestly I’d concentrate on getting back to healthy eating and some exercise and see what happens. Aggressive dieting is unsustainable and if your meds are causing some gain you may just need to accept this is how you are and embrace it.

I initially thought you were going to describe being about 20 stone, not a size 12/16 which is around average I believe?

If you’ve never been happy at a size 12 then I doubt you’ll be happy at a 16- so for that reason I don’t think you should stay fat .
It’s not healthy and as you get older it will take more of a toll and be harder to lose - so best to Tackle it now .

Your husband's sex drive is irrelevant, this is about you and your health.

As you leave your 40s and head into your 50s any possible damage to your heart and your joints may be irreversable.

It's your body to do with as you wish, but I'm sure if you thought staying fat was a great idea, you wouldn't be on here now looking for agreement.

As you go towards 50, you've got to get your body to a point were you are optimal in fighting off diseases, infection complications are cut down on and you are doing your best for your heart and bones. It stops being about weight.

I agree with some of the PPs. From an appearance perspective, absolutely fine! I'm sure you look great! But being overweight can bring health risks with it, some of which can be likely be mitigated a bit through a good diet and regular exercise. I'd want to focus on health rather than size/weight per se. But, if you're doing that, crack on.

You need to reframe it to

LOVING yourself enough to say no!

I’d focus on health and eating nutritious food to feel well and exercise for health and mood benefits.
Carrying extra weight in 40s can lead to health issues with knees, diabetes etc. Plus perimenopause can lead to weight gain on stomach and suddenly you are in obese not just a bit fat territory.
I’m 48 and notice a big difference between healthy and overweight friends and impact on lifestyle.

As someone with health issuee at your size I would say my health suffers from any weight gain. I have to also gently say it's the takeaways and treats not the meds.
You also don't need to bin your smaller clothes just put them in storage until you get back to that size.
You are embarrassed by your body, that alone means you would benefit from losing the weight..you dont have to hate yourself to lose the weight, it isn't a punishment.

What do you weigh? What is your BMI?

It’s all relative I am a size 20/22 weigh 19 stone and 5 foot 8 and an a half inches so getting down to a size 16 would make me happy. I still exercise and do weights and I am tackling my calorie intake this year. I do have a metabolic disorder which makes it harder but not impossible to lose weight.

I would like to get into the normal BMI range on the upper side 11 and a half stone but even then my smallest is a size 14 because of my build and height.

I may consider weight loss surgery if I can’t shift it this year.

I’ve been overweight since a child (8 years old) with a couple of times in my adult life where I was exceptionally fit and a normal BMI (exercise plus 3 hours a day). This was impossible for me to maintain when I had children.

I wish I had just been more sensible and consistent in my choices in my adult life.

I would advise don’t restrict just tweak and look at it as a marathon not a sprint. All my friends who maintain are marathon mentality not quick fix like me.

I’ll let you know next year if I manage to get closer to a normal BMI in the next 12 months!

At a size 14-16, what is your BMI? If you are only just into the overweight category then I would concentrate on eating food for optimal nutrition and exercise rather than actively trying to lose weight if this is getting you down .

I’ve always had a binge/restrict mentality so that doesn’t help! I was 11.7 stone at size 12. 10.4 at my absolute lowest and size 10 but stayed around 11.7 mostly. I am 5ft 7. I currently weigh 13.7 and a 14/16

Your mental health is extremely important and life is too short to be on a constant diet. How about eating intuitively? Really listening to your body and what it needs - focussing on good nutrition and moving for joy not to burn calories, not turning down the treats that you really want but not eating mindlessly “just because”. Being thin isn’t the be all and end all and you can be overweight and physically healthy if you look after yourself.

Focus on nourishing your body (but don't be punitive) and exercise. Maintaining muscle mass with strength work is particularly important for women aged 40+ for long term health and function.

It's not worth permanently fighting and depriving yourself to be as slim as possible. Likewise, surplus weight has its costs such as wear and tear on joints. It is worth eating sensibly and nutritiously to reduce the risk of lifestyle health issues further into life.

Framing it as self care and loving your body helps a lot.

I'm in the obese category at a size 16 and hashimotos doesn't help me as well as a job that means I'm sitting down all day

What I do is try and focus on health
I eat well, lots of veg, take vitamins I need to (iron, vitamin d etc) and exercise hard. Cardio and lifting weights for heart/lungs and also protecting my bones and muscle
Yes I'm fat, but I'm not unfit

Are you happy at this size?

I stopped smoking and allowed myself to put on weight, thinking that was a better alternative.

I am so annoyed that I did that because I had to start from scratch of loosing weight all again, whereas I could have just been a bit more careful and been able to keep my weight down.

The issue about being too comfortable is that your weight can slowly creep up.

If you are happy as you are (most women look better with a bit of meat on them) then stay the same size but be aware of what you’re putting in your body still and perhaps weigh yourself once a month.
Then if you do start putting on more weight than you would like, you can nip it in the bud before it’s too late.

I need to listen to everyone’s advice. I have lost 3lb this week by putting all my calories into my fitness pro and trying not to eat more than 1600 I didn’t really deprive myself at all. I usually REALLY restrict when dieting and would only eat 1200cal max. I suppose I want the weight off yesterday but need to take it more slowly.

I'd completely stop trying to lose weight. And kindly, it sounds like you have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I'd consider some therapy. Focus on healthy nutritious food and exercise, whatever you can do, don't discount walking!

I think that with your history of disordered eating your focus should be movement and eating well not reducing calories, and not focusing on weight or dress size. There is joy to be had in food.

I suffer from binge/purge behaviour, and the best way I have found in dealing with this is focusing on 3 good meals a day and trying to maximise my nutrient intake. For example, if I'm having eggs on toast I'll add tomato and mushroom, I'll also challenge myself to buy a new or unusual fruit/veg every week and find a way to add it into a meal. It's basic, I know. But for me it works. Oh I also still snack and eat takeaways!

Movement wise for me I started with walking and yoga, now I also run and go to a boxing class 1-2 times a week.

Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, there is no reason you can't enjoy your body and feel well at your size, and if that's the case then that's bloody fantastic. I don't have a flat stomach and I have jiggly bits, but it's still the best I've felt in years.

Body fat is not necessarily unhealthy, even if you have a higher than "healthy" BMI. This is an interesting and recent podcast on body fat and how it impacts health, especially in women:

https://zoe.com/learn/podcast-body-fat-health-and-aging

Yes and no. Life is short and spending your entire life worrying about your weight and on and off diets isn’t great. Generally being aware of what you eat and trying to make healthy choices - enjoying good food - maybe focus on that. And maybe find what exercise you like and enjoy that hobby just for you. It’s not about being slim but having a healthy long life.

It’s so difficult to do when you’re so used to restricting/bingeing but this is the best way to do it.

I have chocolate, cake, ice cream etc but they’re all within my calorie limit.

I used to have days of eating less than 500kcals and worrying about carbs etc, to then binge and eat all of the calories I had deprived myself of.

Being able to eat in moderation sounds so simple but for a lot of us it’s not.

Keep doing what you’re doing and if you have a bad day and go over your limit, so what.
Just get back on it the next day.

Don’t allow one bad choice to turn into a week of binge eating.
Its fine to eat treats and it’s healthy to have some days where you eat crap but don’t punish yourself for it.

So glad that you're feeling great OP, that really is one of the main things. And I totally empathise with the medication leading to weight gain. I was on antidepressants as well and gained 2 stone, still have about 3/4 of that to lose.

I found the antidepressant really helped with my anxiety and weight loss and got me in a much better frame of mind. But losing the weight I had gained on them has actually only helped with my anxiety and depression more so maybe if you got back to somewhere around your fighting weight, you might find this helps you along further too? I've never been in a better frame of mind I don't think and I can't wait to lose the rest of the weight I gained because I know it will just make me feel better and more confident in my own skin.

And of course there's the health implications of weight gain as we age.

AND all the lovely clothes that you can wear again!

I'd give it a go OP, try lose some of the weight but not in a restrictive way. You mention 1200 calories being restrictive but this is my max daily intake on a day to day basis, I consume much less when dieting. Maybe just try get down to the 1200 calories a day, with some moderate exercise and see how you go?

You need to address your attitude towards food. You’ve gone from restricting to binging, both are unhealthy.
It’s great that you are happy but you need to consider your health too.

It’s only taken me 50 years to try this approach! I’ve also had to stop myself hammering the gym as I usually over do it and then feel like crap.

Your old way of managing your weight sounds like it came from a negative place.

Can you use your positive mindset for a renewed focus on family nutrition and moderate exercise for a healthy fit body?