To stay fat?

[thegreenlight]

I have struggled with my weight all my life. I managed to lose 3 stone about 20 years ago and kept it off, losing it again after 2 babies.

I was never happy with my body and always on a diet. Most family days out and holidays are marked by me trying to not put on weight. When we recently renovated our house my DH found notebook after notebook full of restrictive meal plans and calories.

I was put on medication after losing my lovely dad at the end of 2022 and have been so much happier. They are amazing and have treated the anxiety and depression I have had since my teens.

However, they have made me put in 2 stone going from a size 12 to a 14/16. I just don’t hate myself enough to say no! I cook healthy meals every night but won’t say no to the odd treat. I have been eating a lot of takeaway as I had no kitchen for 9 months which probably made the situation worse and isn’t happening anymore so that might make a difference! I turned 40 this year and have certainly felt it!

Also my DH can’t keep his hands off me now. He says he loves my body and bigger boobs and is like a besotted teenager again!

I feel so embarrassed about the weight gain but do I work on accepting it, purge my wardrobe of too small clothes and accept happy, fat me. Find a new style and rebuild myself (I feel like the old me does with my dad) or restrict enough to lose the weight and fit into all my lovely clothes?

so AIBU to stay fat?

WhataFoolishFool

I'm going to guess the OP isn't the type who "can't be bothered with lunch". If she was, she probably wouldn't be overweight.

And I'm guessing that you're the type who can't imagine what it's like to be hungry and thinking about food all the time.

I don't think enough is discussed about appetite. Let's face it, a lot of the reason some drugs make you fatter is because they make you hungrier. See also menopause. There's a massive difference between only eating 1200 calories a day because you "can't be bothered" to eat any more, and only eating 1200 calories as a superhuman act of willpower when you're still starving hungry.

In fact my own dear wife is on the curvy side which is partly what attracted me to her in the first place. I can’t keep my hands off her either but sadly not always reciprocated 🤣🤣🤣

It will give your DH time to adjust too 😂

Bear in mind swimming can be good or it can be dull. Also yogo is something, but have you considered something a but more fun?

I think you should focus on health factors:
Nourishing foods, a balanced diet limiting UPF.
Regular exercise, combining strength stamina and flexibility.

No crash diets, no restrictive mentality, focused on positive activities rather than self-denial. You need to stabilise your mind and body and get out of the binge/purge mentality.

I think DH loves my bigger boobs and bum! He is very body confident and at 6ft2 and solid 16 stone of muscle I don’t think he’s projecting! It’s really sad that people don’t believe that my husband can find my body attractive and must have an anterior motive. I really am quite pretty and look younger with weight on me, not ‘horsey and gaunt’, so that might be why? He says he likes ‘thick thighs and pretty eyes’ and I don’t think he is alone.

i might have been happy lying in bed counting my ribs but he wasn’t!

No-one's saying he doesn't find you attractive.

The point is your HEALTH is what's important, not what your bloke thinks of your tits and arse 🙄

He should be happy his wife wants to take care of herself and hopefully be around longer for him and the DC, not 'protesting' because you want to lose weight.

If you eat a healthy diet full of fresh veg and fruit and as much home cooking as you can manage and you're happy with your current body size don't worry too much about the number on the scale.

Do you exercise? Eat wholesome foods in normal portions? If so carry on. I'm an obese woman who has stopped binging by concentrating on an overall healthy diet and have slowly naturally lost weight just by doing the above.

YANBU

I have a similar situation. I find my fitness pal app brilliant, I eat what every want but stay under my calories. Fasting really helps. You can chose a window of time that you'll eat during. It sounds weird, but it really helps. I eat between 12-7pm. I find that I lose so much weight doing this (still calorie count) than calorie counting alone. I really wouldn't let it go, because I did similar. I ended up gaining a stone each year. I ended up 3 stone overweight and I developed pains in my knees, from the excess weight. It made me feel ill. So I would say to you, to get back to it.

Rebecca Adlington is about a size 14 these days. I don't think anyone could accuse her of being fat or unfit - which is what some of these comments appear to be saying (that a size 14 is automatically fat).

Part of the problem these days is that size 10 -12 is healthy and, apparently, big is beautiful (i.e. size 20+). But anything between is morbidly obese and you're gonna die and an excavator is going to have to lower your body into your grave (but only if you're a size 12 - 16!!!).

Quite frankly, unless you're a significant burden on the NHS and/or your health is rapidly declining, I don't think there is a real issue. If you were so fat you could barely walk five paces without getting out of breath, I'd think differently.

So, YABU for declaring yourself fat at a size 14 - because size 14 doesn't automatically mean fat.

YABNU to stay at that size (assuming you're not on deaths door and are capable of walking more than five paces)

There's a big area between being fat and being 'horsey' and 'gaunt'.

Your DH's opinions on your body's attractiveness which appear to be self-serving, shouldn't come into it at all.

You’ll find a middle ground and both be content and satisfied.

You sound like you’re addressing the turmoil in yourself as-well as appreciating the desire your husband has for your current build. He will be happy if you are happy.

Rebecca Adlington is about a size 14 these days. I don't think anyone could accuse her of being fat orunfit - which is what some of these comments appear to be saying (that a size 14 is automatically fat).

Rebecca is a 34 year old Olympic swimmer.

No-one (literally no-one) has said that a size 14 is 'automatically fat'.

It sounds like you and your partner are both comfortable with your body which is good, but just be cautious about the associated health problems that come with being overweight.

I think it's important to look at why you have the treats/takeaways and see if you can switch for something better.

As a single parent that works full time, I found that I'd end up getting takeaway if work ended up finishing late or I was traveling for work, etc. Basically when tired and stressed. So I started stocking the freezer with ready meal/quick cook options that just need sticking in the oven or microwave and packs of veg that cook in the microwave so don't need any prep. It's a small change so much more manageable than trying to convince myself to start prepping proper cook from scratch options. Similarly, I've tried to switch out treats to healthier options.

There's no point in trying to have a perfect diet if it's not achievable. Find small changes that stick. And do the same with exercise.

As an aside, I know size 14/16 is average, but that doesn't mean people aren't overweight

You're trying to make an OP feel bad when she is the one who is fat and struggling with her weight. It's not about YOU so get over yourself

Two quotes by two posters referring to those sizes as fat and saying that OP is fat, for being that size. My argument was to those posters who (as I have proven in my quotes above) have said that a size 14 is fat. OP herself has literally referred to herself as fat in the title!

Rebecca Adlington is an ex-swimmer. Even as a professional she was a size 12. Ex-athletes are well known to put on weight after they stop training at a top level - as an ex-athlete myself, I can vouch for this. Aliya Mustafina is another example. Both of them are probably still fitter than the stick insects that seem to post on mumsnet boasting about their 'massive salads.'

I was a size 12/14 with a BMI in the obese category. I clearly carry my weight well but it doesn't mean that I wasn't obese/suffering from associated health complications. Dress size is not a good correlation but clearly, in my case, being a size 14 did mean I was 'fat' (unless you think that having a BMI in the obese category doesn't mean you're fat).

I'd reframe it as "getting healthy". Not losing weight.

Getting healthy mentally. Address the issues behind your cyclical binge/restrict mentality. What is the emotional root of that? Can you work through it?

Getting healthy physically. Takeaways are salty, non-nutritious (and of course expensive). Hopefully you can break that habit once you can cook properly at home again. And take up regular exercise not with the goal of losing weight but of getting stronger, more flexible, boosting your serotonin.

If you're still the same weight after all this, so be it. You'll be healthier and more able to enjoy life for longer.

I read recently that the way we think about longevity is wrong. We shouldn't be framing it as "extra years on the end of life" but as "how can the last ten years of my life be as great as possible". Health plays a big role in that.

I think you're viewing things in terms of extremes- either you have to be obsessively calorie counting and following restrictive meal plans OR you have to eat everything you want and be fat. The healthier path would be something in between. At 13st7lb you are borderline obese you it's definitely worth taking action as while you might not have any health issues now you're definitely running a risk of issues in future. It doesn't have to be a very restrictive diet fuelled by self-hate, quite the opposite- expanding the range of things you eat by including more varieties of fruit and veg plus wholegrains, healthy fats, protein. Cut out the takeaways and other crap and find some exercise you enjoy.

Plenty of men fancy bigger women so I don't doubt for a moment that your husband fancies you. But you're not just there to turn him on, you're a person in your own right and your health needs to come before his hard on. I also think you're thinking in extremes here- it's not a choice between "gaunt" and obese, you can be somewhere in the middle.

I just don’t hate myself enough to say no

This line is very telling.

It’s not about what you look like, it’s about your health. You have to look after your body as you move into midlife, or you will pay the price unfortunately.

Depends. What’s your visceral fat percentage? Harsh truth is being overweight (and size 14/16 absolutely is) will have health impacts either now or in the future. If you are willing to accept that and suck it up when they bite, carry on.

And yes, unless you are an athlete - size 14 is (with very very limited exceptions) overweight. Size 20 isn’t beautiful, it’s morbidly obese and pretty bloody irresponsible. So much self delusion.

The vast majority of women on Mumsnet are not ex-professional athlete. Being an elite athlete requires a specific level of training/nutrition/percentage fat that is probably not great for long term health either! It's really got nothing to do with this conversation except to illustrate that dress size is a shit indicator of health.

Your mental health sounds good OP . Don’t focus on calories and size of clothes. Focus on you and loving life and I bet the happier you become the less you need to obsess about calories and restrictive diets. Take it from there .

What's important is how healthy you are. As for food, the nutritional value of what's on your plate is important and removing as much processed foods as possible. As others have said age related changes strongly play a part in all of this. It's great that dh loves all of you but it's not so great if it hurts your health.