To stay fat?

[thegreenlight]

I have struggled with my weight all my life. I managed to lose 3 stone about 20 years ago and kept it off, losing it again after 2 babies.

I was never happy with my body and always on a diet. Most family days out and holidays are marked by me trying to not put on weight. When we recently renovated our house my DH found notebook after notebook full of restrictive meal plans and calories.

I was put on medication after losing my lovely dad at the end of 2022 and have been so much happier. They are amazing and have treated the anxiety and depression I have had since my teens.

However, they have made me put in 2 stone going from a size 12 to a 14/16. I just don’t hate myself enough to say no! I cook healthy meals every night but won’t say no to the odd treat. I have been eating a lot of takeaway as I had no kitchen for 9 months which probably made the situation worse and isn’t happening anymore so that might make a difference! I turned 40 this year and have certainly felt it!

Also my DH can’t keep his hands off me now. He says he loves my body and bigger boobs and is like a besotted teenager again!

I feel so embarrassed about the weight gain but do I work on accepting it, purge my wardrobe of too small clothes and accept happy, fat me. Find a new style and rebuild myself (I feel like the old me does with my dad) or restrict enough to lose the weight and fit into all my lovely clothes?

so AIBU to stay fat?

Yabu for saying that a size 14/16 is “fat”.

I didn’t mean to offend anyone - sorry! A lot of people on here seem to think it is fat to an extent that it will shorten my life and effect my health.

I agree. Healthy diet, exercise, etc are more important that numbers on the scale. Yo Yo dieting or not having a balanced diet, in the vain attempt at losing a bit of weight is probably more damaging than being slightly overweight. It's not all about the numbers on the scale! Your 50's is one of the riskiest decades for all kinds of health problems, so you do need to head into it as fit and healthy as possible.

That "may" mean losing a bit of weight, but it may also mean doing more exercise, healthier eating/balanced diet, reducing alcohol consumption etc. Maybe adjust your mindset to improve ALL aspects of your life and health rather than perhaps concentrating too much on weight. You may find that weight drops naturally with a healthy lifestyle in all respects.

I'm sure I saw some actuarial statistics showing that life expectancies rise for those who've successfully survived their 50s. I.e. that if you get a life expectancy forecast based on your lifestyle/health etc as, say a 40 year old, your life expectancy may come out as something like 80 if you're in good health, but if you get a forecast when you're, say, 60, with the same health/lifestyle, your life expectancy rises to something like 90, the increase being simply because you "survived" the riskiest decade when things like some cancers, diabetes, heart disease, etc tend to manifest themselves!

Well you certainly shouldn’t be dieting.

At the end of the day it is a lifestyle issue. Is your lifestyle healthy. Do you move enough? do you consume too much? The calories in calories out always holds true.

It sounds like you shouldn’t be worrying about your weight for how you look as you and your husband are fine with it (incidentally it may be your lack of anxiety and depression that has effected his behaviour). But if you are giving yourself health issues that does matter.

Avoid diets, if you snack too much substitute for snacks that satiate but are healthier (the same calories of fruit tends to fill you for longer than the equivalent processed food), and consider taking up an active hobby. Dieting is not good for the permanently loosing weight or for how you feel, eating better and being more active is good on both fronts.

Age 50 you need to be careful as you’re heading to heart problems territory so losing weight isn’t just vanity

Your clothes size and attractiveness to your husband are largely irrelevant. Your health is the most important factor.

Being a little overweight carries minor risks, but obesity is a killer. It's usually easier to tackle through diet and exercise when you're younger.

My SIL has ignored her weight issues for over 20 years and now she's facing having to leave her home and her beloved dog because her resultant health problems mean that she's not safe to live alone. It's heart-breaking.

Size 16 is the average for British women.

For all those telling me I am going to get heart disease and die prematurely you might want to read this:

In fact, population studies give varying estimates for the BMI range linked with the lowest rates of death, with most suggesting the optimum weight is in the 25 to 30 band, for all ages. The strongest evidence that a higher BMI is preferable comes from studies of older adults.

Thankyou to those being balanced and kind. I am finding it easy to maintain this weight compared to the constant starvation and skipping meals to stay 10.7.

also, loving myself enough to say no had me eating special K for breakfast when away with my boys instead of the lovely full
english on offer. Never eating treats without crippling self hatred.

I am going to try to mend my relationship with food. I will start yoga and swimming to move more and will concentrate on eating healthy foods - trying to aim for 1600 a day.

i will try to accept myself and take this journey slowly.

Being fatter as you get older is hard work. I’m nearly 60 and the same size as I was 15 years ago, that size being fat. I need to lose at least 3 stone to be ‘normal’.

15 years ago it was ‘easier’ being fat, now it’s getting harder.

Hence why I joined a dance class this week.

If I could tell my 45 year old self something it would be don’t be this fat when you’re nearly 60.

As someone that has anxiously stayed thin all my life, it's made me miserable.

If you can accept yourself as you are and be happy, then definitely do it!

It's not as stark a choice as restrictive eating vs fat though, is it? What about a mid ground approach? Healthy 80% of the time, treats 20%.

Do what makes you happiest.

As an aside, I know size 14/16 is average, but that doesn't mean people aren't overweight!

Absolutely embrace your happiness HOWEVER being fat isn’t healthy. Absolutely don’t go on some restrictive diet but absolutely DO continue to cook yourself healthy meals and have the occasional treat - but what’s occasional? Once a week or once an hour? I probably have a treat a few times a week, but I don’t diet, I never ever go hungry, I prepare all of my own meals from scratch and have lost over a stone naturally (I was a healthy weight to begin with). So there is no reason why you can’t lose the excess weight without dieting.

for example today I have had scrambled egg and beans on toast for breakfast (real butter!), a flat white in a cafe, and then I couldn’t be bothered with lunch so I had a banana and a glass of full fat milk. Dinner will be a homemade lasagne (as in I make all of the sauce myself, but not the pasta!) which I will have with a side salad. Only other drinks are water.

my BMI is around 21 and as I say I got to this naturally.

I'm your age and your height OP.

For a lot of my adult life I was about your weight (and I was a solid 16 on it, couldn't fit into a 14 at 13 stone 7!). And I was really quite unhealthy. I didn't look good either- I have a long face, and with a double chin I looked like Stephen Fry 😬.

You really feel the difference of those extra couple of stone- I really wish I'd made the effort to maintain a healthy weight earlier in life.

I'll concede that it's not easy though, especially not at this age- I'm a size 12, but the weight is creeping up- 10 weeks of painstaking weight loss from a low carb diet was wiped out by 2 weeks of indulgence at Christmas 😪.

I'm hoping that exercise, combined with IF, is going to be the answer to getting fit and healthy and just remaining in the healthy weight category without fretting too much over pounds lost or gained. I've just started running, so fingers crossed 🤞

Will you PLEASE STOP with this sort of shit?

You're trying to make an OP feel bad when she is the one who is fat and struggling with her weight. It's not about YOU so get over yourself!

You do you and leave others alone!

And over 63% of British adults are overweight or obese, so I'm not sure what your point is? 🤔

At her height and weight, the OP is within half a stone of straying into the obese category. This is not a comfortable or healthy place to be (speaking as someone who's been there)

You're cooking healthy meals every night but refusing to say no to the odd treat. That sounds like a very healthy approach to food and, honestly, Mumsnet is the worst place to come for healthy eating advice. There's a real epidemic of competitive undereating slimness across all the boards and has been since I joined in 2011. If you're healthy and eating mostly healthily, crack on. You're above average in height, so a 14/16 on you is probably the same as a 10/12 on someone 3-4 inches shorter.

A lot of blokes I know prefer (how can I put this?) curvier women!

Indeed. On average people are overweight, so if you are average then it's probably not good news!

People are also notoriously bad at maintaining a calorie deficit with treats / "cheat days", they normally wipe out any savings they've made the rest of the week. Better off getting into a long term mindset where a sugary UPF confection or an oily, carby, salty takeaway isn't a "treat", in the same way as a cigarette isn't a "treat".

I'm a similar size and have also decided no more calorie counting and restricting. I have been dieting off and on since a teenager - when I wasn't even overweight - and I'm late 40s now. No more.

I've nailed the exercise bit over the last decade. I've been enjoying exercise and made it a good, consistent habit. Food is my downfall now. However, I'm going to concentrate on eating healthier food and ADDING healthy food in. The only restriction I'm going to do is processed food. More veg, more nuts. Fermented foods. More water. Less alcohol.

If dieting and calorie/food restriction worked we wouldn't have so many overweight people and I wouldn't be overweight either. It's as simple as that.

I don’t like loads of grease and processed meat in the mornings. If I am away I always choose the poached egg with smoked salmon/haddock (if they have fish). If not the poached egg and mushrooms on toast.

Don’t just stick to special k if you are on holiday tweak the cooked breakfast to a more healthier version. My DH always gets the full English then moans after it he even had fried bread last time it was enough for me to secretly contemplate divorcing him fried bread 🤮

My DH is overweight but not obese like me. My adult son always has the fish like me he’s never been overweight.

Sounds like you have a great life don’t let obsessing about your weight impact it just tweak and choose healthier when you can.

And?

Should we all risk cardiovascular disease, diabetes and joint problems because some men prefer overweight women??

Read the fuck it diet. It will change your life. Stop restricting. Life is too short to be obsessing over a clothing size. Let your body go to where it naturally wants and you will fall into a natural routine of eating.

I did stay 11 stone ish for 20 years and lost the weight after each baby (I gained 4 stone in pregnancy!) I don’t feel as fit and I know I need to lose weight (despite DH’s protestations!) but I will resolve not to hate myself during the process and look for a quick fix. I’ve only ever crash dieted and can’t see slow and steady working but I think it’s best for me and my mental health.

Your DH sounds like he wants to keep you overweight.

Why is that? Does he struggle with his own body image?