To stay fat?

[thegreenlight]

I have struggled with my weight all my life. I managed to lose 3 stone about 20 years ago and kept it off, losing it again after 2 babies.

I was never happy with my body and always on a diet. Most family days out and holidays are marked by me trying to not put on weight. When we recently renovated our house my DH found notebook after notebook full of restrictive meal plans and calories.

I was put on medication after losing my lovely dad at the end of 2022 and have been so much happier. They are amazing and have treated the anxiety and depression I have had since my teens.

However, they have made me put in 2 stone going from a size 12 to a 14/16. I just don’t hate myself enough to say no! I cook healthy meals every night but won’t say no to the odd treat. I have been eating a lot of takeaway as I had no kitchen for 9 months which probably made the situation worse and isn’t happening anymore so that might make a difference! I turned 40 this year and have certainly felt it!

Also my DH can’t keep his hands off me now. He says he loves my body and bigger boobs and is like a besotted teenager again!

I feel so embarrassed about the weight gain but do I work on accepting it, purge my wardrobe of too small clothes and accept happy, fat me. Find a new style and rebuild myself (I feel like the old me does with my dad) or restrict enough to lose the weight and fit into all my lovely clothes?

so AIBU to stay fat?

As I caveated earlier - most size 14s/16 are overweight. You may or may not be. You may be sporty and still overweight (speaking as someone who used to go down this route - ate what I wanted and but because I exercised vigorously eg the Edinburgh marathon in a sub 4 hour, still a stone overweight - thought it didn’t count. It did. Had visceral fat measured and pulled head out of sand and realised that whilst cardiovascularly fit and able I was still overweight. And no, wasn’t muscle.. ). I do understand what strong means. I’ve spent the last 5 years decreasing my body fat to a decent level, sorting out fat around my organs, I now weight train 3/4 times a week and run half marathons (not full any more - too much of a time commitment) etc etc. but this is all off point.

MOST size 14s are over optional weight. This is scoffed at because the general population is skewed away from what is optiomal. If you are surrounded by people that are size 14/16/18 - you think this is the norm. It really isn’t. And lying to yourself that the excess weight in some way won’t impact you. As I’ve stressed - if you choose to ignore this and not make any changes, fine. But the health impacts will be down to your own actions. OP is nearly obese at 40. She’s increasing her risk of heart problems, stroke, cancer etc. She can accept this and carry on regardless or do something about it. It does no one any favours being “kind”; her size is too fat and she should weigh less to be healthy. What she does with that info is entirely her own business. She’s a grown woman.

And … I’m sure you’re an intelligent woman so you’ll realise what I said counters the oft-quoted narrative that most men prefer skinny women hence the multitude of girls and young women suffering mental health issues because they try to emulate the emaciated models frequenting the catwalk in recent times-I’m sure you don’t want to encourage that do you? Better to have and celebrate a healthy weight beit somewhat curvey?

Sorry… that Response to@VyeBrator

the best thing you can do is work on why you think being fat is bad. It’s not ugly, or unattractive, or a moral failing, and accepting your body is a brilliant thing.
i would focus on doing some exercise or activity that you love, that makes you feel brilliant after, and focus on always pairing a snack with something nutritious so if you want to eat a packet of crisps also eat a yoghurt or sone fruit etc.
diets do not work. There’s no magic cure.

OP - I've had a very similar journey recently. I'm the same height as you and yo-yoed between the same sizes forever!

As I approached 45 and peri hit, I realised I no longer had a choice to stay a higher weight. I started getting blood pressure spikes and a lot of fatigue. So I decided to focus not on BMI but height-to-waist ratio. Calorie deficit was needed but I started a very regular regimen of exercise while also increasing the protein focus in my meals. I did not calorie count but ate more sensibly. Over a year I lost 3 stone and got to the right ratio. It was still high BMI but just over 25 so I didn't worry about it. But - I felt really strong and fit and energetic while not having any rule books on what I'm supposed to eat/not.

It's not as much about dress size as it is about your age and stage in life. If you are healthy and fit you are better prepared for peri. Once that hits it's even harder to get in shape.

Hope this helps.

This is a good decision. Focus on healthy food - protein, vegetables, whole grains, dairy .

Exercise you enjoy .

Step away from this thread !

Size 14/16 is very different on someone of 5’1 and someone of 5’10. I think OP is being sensible to focus on healthy eating and more movement rather than the cycle of strict dieting and then reverting to bingeing. It should lead to better health and happiness in the long run. Anecdotally my Mum and Auntie were both overweight but not obese ( would guess BMI of 28/29) They both lived into their mid 90s and were healthy until the last couple of years. Being slightly overweight isn’t going to inevitably lead to premature death.

@Devilshands I've said the same - dress size is meaningless. But people on this thread are saying "I'm only a size 14, I can't possibly be an unhealthy weight" when, of course, they can be, because dress size is nonsense.

Gosh - my self esteem has taken a beating now! I was feeling better about myself and taking things slowly but the unpleasant comments on here make me want to restrict and starve! Learnt my lesson - never talk about weight on AIBU!

For all the people who keep telling me I will die early I will repost this research which everyone ignored earlier:

Population studies give varying estimates for the BMI range linked with the lowest rates of death, with most suggesting the optimum weight is in the 25 to 30 band, for all ages. The strongest evidence that a higher BMI is preferable comes from studies of older adults.

I’m not upset because I didn’t get the answer I wanted, I’m upset by how much people are willing to ride rough-shod over other’s feelings to make their point.

Feeling pretty crappy about myself now but all advice taken on board.

I've just read your update, I'm really sorry that you're upset by the feedback. I think you expected us to celebrate your freedom from diets, and encourage you to embrace your new weight. But many of us are older and are/have experienced menopause. It can really pile on the weight, and make you feel ill. The healthier you approach it, the better. Your 3 stone gain can easily double, if you don't reign it in now. Believe me I know because I went through a similar journey myself. Restricting calories and fasting windows really do work long term, as they're not diets, you can eat what you want, but less of it. Make yourself as healthy as can be, and you'll have no problems later on. I wish you all the very best.

You're still in the all or nothing mentality. You want to slim down when others make you feel fat as quickly as possible like its suddenly so unbareable when you have been coasting along at this size for a while fine. You want to stay overweight when dh shows you acceptance, forgetting your own feelings about your body and using others comments as a guide for what your body should be. It seems like conflicting messages because people have different views of beauty. You need to listen to your own assessment of yourself eg yes i think i am overweight or no i am genuinely happy like this.

Try to work with a therapist to help you listen to your own voice, not either rebelling or obeying others view of what your size should be.

It's been a cycle of negative weight comment > spurrs on intense shame > immense discomfort want it gone asap > insane restriction give you a temporary sense of control > unrealistic goals > the inevitable failure > anger at yourself > defensiveness > anger at the 'system' or society >rebel at the cost to your body and pretend not to care > you get a positive comments on your current weight > feeling reassured in the confirmation you are still desireable > you dont fully believe this so you push it further by gaining more weight > positive comments stop or you get new negative weight comments > feel worthless > repeat cycle

You are letting others decide your worth and appearance, this is the path to unhappiness and body image problems some people feel fat at size 10. Some people feel skinny at size 14. You need to genuinely look after yourself for you and decide at what weight you are mentally and physically comfortable. When that happens you will not be so vulnerable and easily influenced and affected by weight comments, good or bad. Get the validation and acceptance from yourself.

I am always somewhere between a size 8 and a size 14, OP. You can be healthy and beautiful anywhere in that range.

I think it's important to focus on health- honestly, a veg tick chart to make sure you get enough sounds childish but it can help. Salads a few times a week. Soup. The good stuff.

Exercise- I love the fun fit feeling of Les Mills, combat, attack etc. Again- focus on health and strength, not skinniness.

If you make sure you get enough veg and are also doing exercise a few times a week, I honestly think that's enough.

Ah OP you sound perfectly fine! If you feel good then that’s the main thing! I was a non smoker, non drinker, normal weight and got breast cancer. Life sucks sometimes and often it’s just bad luck. I’m similar height to you and go between 12.5 to 13st. My GP says the whole BMI thing is not always helpful, they look at more than that. I’ve been told I’m fine ; my bloods are good, normal to low risk of HA/S and I’m waiting for knee surgery. They said my weight is fine but try not to put on more. I use the NHS app couple times a year (after Christmas and holidays) for few weeks to monitor calories and get back on track.
You’re not obese or fat OP. Carrying a bit too much weight, possibly but hey we have to live! Don’t let yourself be bullied by people’s opinions - sod them. Your body, your life! Your DH sounds lush btw. You have much to be happy about! 😍

Slow and steady better than crash diets

Focus on health, not weight

Exercise is important, but weight loss comes from what you eat

To me, intermittent fasting just sounds like skipping breakfast, but many people swear by it

I would say learn to accept yourself as you are. Ditch the diets and focus on making the best choices from what you have at the time. If you have a takeaway make sure you choose the healthiest option and just have one plateful rather than stuffing yourself. Take a good multivitamin and mineral, drink some water and get some fresh air every day by taking a walk. There is no point launching yourself into diet and exercise if you don’t feel up to it. Prioritise taking care of your mental health and loving what you have and the rest will follow

1200 was probably too low for someone of your height. You are right to take it steady and be kind to yourself! I think that is great. I don't even stick to 1200 at 5f2 and at the lower end of my weight range.

So many people (myself included) on this thread have history of being overweight since childhood, losing and gaining weight over the years.

Having periods of extreme fitness followed by returning to sedentary.

I'm now with 'No BS' and Corinne Crabtree. It's a bloody revelation - a coaching programme that goes through the thoughwork helping to unravel decades of diet mentality.

www.instagram.com/p/C0eVMVApaKJ/?igsh=MTA5b2k4dGR5MjBmOQ==

It's for those who want to lose weight for a holiday. It's for those who want to lose weight for life.

Argh.. can't edit on phone.

It's NOT for those who want to lose weight for a holiday 🙈

www.instagram.com/p/C0eVMVApaKJ/?igsh=MTA5b2k4dGR5MjBmOQ==

My goal is to be comfortable in a swimsuit, regardless of how slim. This means exercise, potentially surgery later on and laser hair removal. I will never be perfect in everyone's eyes I get to decide what my own healthy weight is by listening to my joints, my skin, my self image. I'm also working on extricating myself from all the diet culture. I still get the urge to crash diet .. it doesn't work for me long term, if it works for others great, but I need to look at my own and what happens to ME.

Even models have insecurities so we all have to accept ourselves which is easier when our lifestyle aligns with our values in life. When I know I am doing all I can, yet somethings will never physically change, like growing longet legs its easier to accept those unchangeables if im doing everything i can about everything else and when i know this, others comments wont matter (as much).

Others comments only sting when we know there is an element of truth or touch on what we fear of ourselves. If something is so outrageously ridiculous, we find it laughable. Anyway i'm aware i''m waffling on too much....
I sincerely wish op health and happiness in her own skin.

Oh OP, please don’t feel crappy about yourself!

You have come through a very hard time, and have found a way to address your depression and anxiety. You have a DH who loves you, loves your body, and you are comfortable with your body! You don’t deserve to feel crappy, and body-wise you have nothing to feel crappy about.

All many people are saying is lose the ‘diet’ mentality altogether but if you want to make changes do it with a positive outlook on increasing healthier choices.

Your self esteem is as important as your body. Take care of you, list your positives, your talents, and each day congratulate yourself on 3 small things that make you feel pleased with yourself.

also - forget BMI. It’s a very rough and ready estimation. The real markers of how much of an issue your weight is, is your visceral fat. Get this looked at

This. I am a stone overweight (started off 3 stone overweight) but my visceral fat is moderate and less than some people who have a healthy BMI.

I still want to lose weight and bring my visceral fat and overall body fat percentage down, but I’m adopting a slow and steady approach to weight loss; it’s important to also consider that there are other things that can contribute to bad health such as poor sleep and high street. Being stressed and staying up awake thinking of my weight is not healthy!

BMI and weight can be indicators but it isn’t everything and BMI in particular is problematic and I take it with a pinch of salt.

And re. Size 14 being overweight or not it’s irrelevant because OP has given further details of her body shape, height and weight and she is overweight. If someone else isn’t overweight at size 14 that’s neither here nor there for the OP.

@thegreenlight yes you’re better of discussing this on something like the weight loss board even if it doesn’t get as much traffic.

Going to 1600 calories and making small and sustained changes sounds like a positive step in the right direction. Don’t restrict and starve! It’s not healthy nor sustainable. If you don’t do much walking now Start walking for half an hour every day and slowly build up to 1 hour +

You don’t sound massively overweight at your height but mumsnetters get a bit over enthusiastic in telling people who are in any way fat that they’re going to die early. BMI should always be taken with a pinch of salt and some health experts disregard it altogether.

Good article on the limitations of BMI here https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/bmi-a-poor-metric-for-measuring-peoples-health-say-experts/

THIS all day long. Do things because you love yourself, or even just feel neutral about your body. Doing things because you hate your body or yourself will only ever end in misery.

I think suggesting that 'more men will want to shag you' should be a factor in decisions about eating and fitness habits is dangerous whatever weight is being discussed tbh.

This is probably the most sensible post on the entire thread and is worth repeating, especially this bit....

But many of us are older and are/have experienced menopause. It can really pile on the weight, and make you feel ill. The healthier you approach it, the better. Your 3 stone gain can easily double, if you don't reign it in now.

Nobody goes to sleep slim and wakes up fat. It takes time to creep on but once it does, that's when you have a problem on your hands and an even bigger one when you hit menopause.

Added to that, we tend to have less energy as we age and become a bit less flexible, so exercising can be even harder.

Get healthy for you and don't listen to your DH or the guy upthread banging on about men preferring 'curvy women'. They won't be the ones suffering the possible repercussions later in life.

@BishopLenBrennan all women are curvy at all sizes, because we're human beings, not cardboard cutouts.