Would you ever leave a 15 yo home overnight?

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

I’m going away with my 10yo in the summer for a weekend.

15 yo doesn’t want to come (was offered, and originally booked to come).

She can stay with her dad who lives around the corner or is more than capable of getting to grandparents for the weekend.

Shes suggested she’d like to stay home alone. Will be 16 a couple of months later, when I suspect I’d be unreasonable not to leave her. Extremely sensible and no chance shed trash the place.

Why does she want to stay alone? Sometimes finds Dad annoying, plus he has a baby and toddler, and just staying at home is easier than any other options. She likes alone time. I guess she might invite over a couple of equally sensible friends which would be fine.

Any thoughts?

Yeah, although I was a bit freaked out when DS came home the other day and told me that his buddy's dad had given them a saw so that when they went into the local woods they could try and fix the treehouse that's there...!?

On plus side, it turned out buddy wouldn't allow DS to use the saw as he realised DS had no experience, so I guess some safety lessons were included.

Broadly though, I totally agree. It's been quite interesting in my tiny little microcosm of the world to see the high correlation between some of the children who were given the least independence in DS' year group at primary school, also being the ones who struggled the most with the shift to secondary.

There was a huge issue in the first few weeks of Year 7 in particular where behaviour that had been excused as "they're so young, they don't know any better" got a completely different response at secondary school and it was a huge crisis for 2 families in particular.

Should be fine. Prior to 15 I stayed over at my Gran's when my Mum worked nightshift. She developed dementia though and moved into sheltered accommodation so was left on my own after that. I did sometimes have friends over.

That's what she's telling you anyway !

I'm sure she'd be totally fine safety wise, but i wouldn't want to set a precedent of opting out of family holidays for "something better to do".

Not my Dd my friends and my friend is the most relaxed mother ever so imagine it’s about right.

I was left home for a fortnight at that age. Was totally fine. A night is nothing!

That’s actually shocking though

No it's not. Most 15 year olds are perfectly capable of looking after themselves. The trend for infantilizing young people will go away soon, as all such trends pass.

When I was 15 my mum used to leave me at home alone when she worked two nights a week. That said, on one occasion late evening I ran out of the house terrified of a large moth inside. My mum was really annoyed with me!

@Honeychickpea i don’t think this is a phase that will pass. Think back to when poor children left school at 12 and went into service. There has been a gradual increase in the age at which we treat young people as fully adult. I would leave a 15 year old home alone for one night but I don’t think we are fully adult till 25. It is very important in medical settings, especially in mental health, that under 25s are treated in separate settings and not expected to be completely grown up.

I’m afraid a 15 year old being left for 2 weeks alone is shocking parenting and SW would be concerned

but I don’t think we are fully adult till 25

Sorry, what?

There's a big difference between being an adult, and still being a bit young an inexperienced and immature. But at 25, pretty much everyone I know was working, living independently etc. I have plenty of friends who were married at that age, some even with children.

You're infantilising young adults now.

@JadziaD I’m not saying under 25s can’t work, marry annd live independently. I’m saying they are still very young and if they have issues such as mental health should not be treated alongside older adults. I imagine in most supportive families adults under 25 would still go to their parents regularly for life advice.

I am mid 40s and would still go to my parents/family for advice or help.

I do agree to an extent re mental health, but not because under 25s are not fully grown adults, because IMO they should be (and would be if they weren't babied so much), but more because they would be treated alongside much older patients and I think being amongst younger peers is much better for their recovery, in inpatient services particularly. In my area mental health services have 18-25 specific programmes.

I am mid 40s and would still go to my parents/family for advice or help.

@Legendairy On the other thread you talked about under-25’s nowadays being babied!

Yes they are, I don't see how asking for help and advice means you are immature/babied, surely people do this throughout their lives, or once you reach 26 do you know everything and don't need to talk about relationship/work/financial crisis etc? How odd.

On this thread I have stated that u25s are babied also, I haven't changed my feelings so not sure what you are referring to really?

I'm 35 and DH is 40 - we both still go to our parents for advice! It's not a sign of immaturity to speak to someone experienced (who you trust) when you're worried or need some support.

@Legendairy @catelynjane Different people do things different ways. I’m nearly 50 and haven’t turned to parents for help/advice on anything for an extremely long time. I suppose I feel protective towards them, I don’t want to worry them.

Yes that's understandable, but asking for advice from anyone does not make someone immature or babied. That is the point we were making. If I didn't want to worry my parents about something i may speak to DH or a friend for advice. You can't possibly go through life without ever asking for help from anyone surely?

That's your prerogative - but that doesn't mean those who do get help from their parents are immature or "babied".

I also suspect my parents would feel incredibly patronised if they found out anyone was trying to protect them, lol.

@catelynjane You don’t think that parents of adult children should be given a break from our stress and worries? I do, they’ve done enough parenting, they don’t have to help me anymore!

Although I’m sure that your parents will always help and advise you, you might want to consider whether it’s fair to burden them. I try to think about the effect it’ll have on my elderly Dad-if something might worry him, I don’t tell him. 🤷

That's a hell of a lot of assumptions you've made from one single post.

Yes, I ask my parents for advice sometimes, but that doesn't mean I "burden them" with all my "stress and worries". I actually find it quite sad that you think parenting ends when your children are grown. I'm very glad my parents don't feel the way you do, tbh.

I also support and help them when they need it. It's not all one way.

Depends on how trustworthy and sensible they are I suppose. I have a 16 year old son and a 17 year old daughter. We’ve left them many times and would leave them separately too. There is zero possibility of them having anyone over without permission. One they aren’t that brave and two we have cameras everywhere.

I lived on my own from 16, shopped, paid bills and everything that living in your own entailed.

@catelynjane All I’m saying is that at some point, it’s nice if adult children stop thinking of their parents as just “their parents” and start thinking of them as people with their own needs. I wouldn’t ask a parent in their 70’s or 80’s for anything, tbh.

I do feel rather strongly about this as I know a few people IRL who ask a lot of their parents in their late 70’s/80’s, regardless of health problems, etc. and it makes me angry.

Anyway, this is off-topic! Back to 15-year-olds left alone overnight-as I said upthread, my DS (15) is still too daft, but he might be mature enough later this year.

All I’m saying is that at some point, it’s nice if adult children stop thinking of their parents as just “their parents” and start thinking of them as people with their own needs. I wouldn’t ask a parent in their 70’s or 80’s for anything, tbh.

What makes you think I don't?

My parents aren't in their 70's or their 80's btw.