Child maintenance reduction

[Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow]

I earn 3x as much as my DH. This isn’t an issue at all but we’re wondering what to do when it comes to child maintenance.

DH was paying his ex girlfriend a very generous amount (at this stage no CMS involved and turns out he was paying 3x more than CMS would’ve calculated)

When his ex found out me and DH were pregnant she unilaterally reduced contact to half of what it was and went through CMS thinking she would get more money. I don’t think she realised our lifestyle was because of my salary; not DH’s.

Anyway, things have always been toxic with her and DH served a court order on her when she reduced contact which saw myself and DH gain overnight contact. Not as much as we would’ve liked but it was better than what we had.

His ex has now broken the court order by saying the children do not want to visit us, stay with us etc therefore we are barely seeing them. DH doesn’t want to force them to come but we miss them.

DH has reduced his salary and CMS would decrease by 25% at the end of the month. Is it unreasonable to reduce it to the CMS suggested level?

The children are at school so how good will it be that he could look after them that day but for holidays which he should share anyway.

Decrease the CMS payments but expect a rise in the amount of items that need to be bought?
I don't understand that. If he can afford to pay all those extra, why not continue to pay his normal maintenance unless he is playing controlling games?

Why not state how much he is actually paying and intends to reduce it to because that's what it really comes to, the actual figure.

You’re saying he should share them for the holidays like we haven’t been trying. We only get them every other weekend and any attempts for more have been flat out refused. She’s even threatened to ring the police if he keeps asking.

@Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow let her. She is attempting to bully.
Please don't listen to posters telling you to step in and that your husband should be looking for better work/ not caring for your child. Why shouldn't he spend a day with your child?
Hopefully she will come round at some stage and not alienate them further.

Yes. He’s emotionally abusive to me and them (physically to me). I was more than happy to take his anger over them taking it.

It's interesting to see so many comments attacking the OP, yet when you look at the poll around 80% of people think that she's in the right.

There does seem to be a small number of very vocal posters here who always think the step mother is in the wrong.

This isn't really a step mother thread. She's asking if her DH would be wrong to reduce child maintenance. Some posters have said yes, he would be.

He should never be asking verbally. He should be asking in an email.

Then when she says "no" he needs to leave it for a few months before asking again. However there should be an event/situation that triggers the question being asked again.

This is because if she ever says "Yes" then there is written proof that can be easily used in Court to amend the CAO in future.

With these things there is a way of asking. My DP was given lots of advice when he went for a CAO from other parents about how to do it correctly.

The first bit of advice is actually avoid getting involved in the Family Court unless you have to.

This is such good advice op and something to heed.

His ex is acting out of vengeance to the detriment of the children. Reducing the financial contribution to the CMS amount for his new job on a new salary will undoubtedly compound it.

The two together sound like a blue print for estrangement from his kids and a lifetime of resentment / therapy for them.

His ex is acting out of vengeance to the detriment of the children
Or because he wasn't happy motionally there for his first kids, which OP acknowledges herself, and yet his priority is to spend one to one time with his new baby than going back to court to ask the judge to act to the fact his ex broke an established order.

He seems to just accept that his children just don't want to see him and his concern is maintenance.

That's a pretty crap dad who does that, not one who is heartbroken that he doesn't get to see his eldest kids.

If you split and you ended up only getting every orher weekend would you give up on your DC? I'm betting you couldn't imagine doing what he's done, but somehow while it's morally indefensible what she's done, which it is, you somehow find what he's done acceptable.

Except Dad could push for this solution by going back to court, but won't. It's the combination of both that's the issue. He wants to drop maintenance while not doing everything he can to see his DC more.

Yes, I agree this could well be the case. I specifically chose to take what op is saying at face value rather than speculate as she is not going to acknowledge what you’re saying. She may, however, be able to understand my point.

can I just clear up we’ve been to court umpteen times. Last time we tried to enforce getting the children she was screaming to go or she’d call the police.

@Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow I would have let her. She needs to know he will not back down and the kids need to know he will fight for them.
He has a court order doesn't he?

Yes. I know in an ideal world we would sit and not move until we have the kids with us per court order but unfortunately it’s not that simple. Imagine she called the police and the children enduring more trauma etc. it’s so hard.

Is it unreasonable to reduce it to the CMS suggested level?

No. If the children are old enough to have an opinion on whether they visit or not, then they are old enough for her to go to work and support them too.

While all of this may be true (and I do think there’s a lot of it in here). The OP can’t do a damn thing about any of it. We’ll maybe the maintenance going down, but ultimately it sounds like that’s what her DH wants to do.

The fact is the SC are going to resent the half-sibling, the SM, and Dad. The ex wife if sounds like she has the victim role solidified, and the OP, does sound like she gives a damn about the SC but realistically can’t do much.

At the end of of the day if kids get through childhood with all of these dynamics with some relationship intact with the all of the step/halfs and the non-custodial parent that’s all you can really hope for.

In other words minimize damage. But realistically it’s rarely going to be a great outcome.

The right thing to do would be paying high levels of maintenance.

Your husband was a shit partner and was (and still is) a shit dad. You say you ensured you were in a good financial position before you had children, but clearly he didn't did he? And how could you have been through 'years' of hell with the ex when his kids are only 5 & 7? How old were they when he completely ditched them for you and to make his shiny new happy family? The youngest can't have been more than 3!

The youngest was 1. And he’s a wonderful dad thanks. Have you read any of the thread?

Anyone else thinking of this other thread on reading this one?
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4968237-to-think-he-should-maintain-current-contributions?page=13

So is dh paying 3x the amount the cms recommends at the moment?

If so then he could drop down to double the amount.

Yep. I knew this thread seemed familiar.

This man is not the prince you think he is. You are not the magical fairytale princess that changed him. He is still a toad, just one who has found a financially convenient pond to loaf about in.

Look, you have already made up your mind. You keep justifying it because of the ex behaviour. Your DH will wreck his relationship with his children and there will be no way back. He is a terrible father, not the great dad you try to make him out. I couldn't be married to someone with such low morals. Reducing his hours and changing job to a lesser paid role so his children get less. sorry, but one cannot sink much lower than that. Doesn't matter if his ex is toxic or not but reading all your replies, I am not so sure the ex is as evil as you made her out in any case.

You think a man who dumps his infant children is a good dad? How much can a man change in at most 2 years?

Do you have any sympathy for his failed 'starter' family?