Child maintenance reduction

[Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow]

I earn 3x as much as my DH. This isn’t an issue at all but we’re wondering what to do when it comes to child maintenance.

DH was paying his ex girlfriend a very generous amount (at this stage no CMS involved and turns out he was paying 3x more than CMS would’ve calculated)

When his ex found out me and DH were pregnant she unilaterally reduced contact to half of what it was and went through CMS thinking she would get more money. I don’t think she realised our lifestyle was because of my salary; not DH’s.

Anyway, things have always been toxic with her and DH served a court order on her when she reduced contact which saw myself and DH gain overnight contact. Not as much as we would’ve liked but it was better than what we had.

His ex has now broken the court order by saying the children do not want to visit us, stay with us etc therefore we are barely seeing them. DH doesn’t want to force them to come but we miss them.

DH has reduced his salary and CMS would decrease by 25% at the end of the month. Is it unreasonable to reduce it to the CMS suggested level?

I never ever once said that? I’m more just glad I waited until we were financially stable to have a baby. If he left me I would be able to maintain my lifestyle and baby with no maintenance from him whatsoever. His ex has put us through years of hell tbh and I’m just sick of it and I don’t think we should be punished for wanting my husband to spend time with the baby when we as a household can afford that

As a household you can afford that, your DH can't.

This. I'm appalled you're considering this. Cut your hours, fine; but cut your cloth accordingly too. His older children need their maintenance. His cut in hours benefits your family, the money for that needs to come from your family unit too to balance this, so his other babies don't suffer. (But that court order needs enforcing too, as a separate but pressing issue.)

Legally though he can afford it. That’s why there’s CMS reviews in the first place!

Unfortunately you chose to involve yourself in a situation with immature parents who are unable to put the needs of their children first. Reducing maintenence will add flames to that fire.

Sure, he has to balance the needs of three. He’s clearly willing to have his older children more, which would ease the financial burden on his ex. Unfortunately she doesn’t want that.

OP has one child, and she’s going to prioritise that child and what works best for her family.

Which absolutely no one has said apart from you.

It's literally not how it's gone. Everyone is saying he has 3 kids, not that he has 2 more important kids.

Bang on. Thank you.

@Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow but your husband can't really afford it can he - as he has other children.

It does seem to be let's punish the ex and his other children

I think the only losers here are your DH's children from his previous relationship.'I couldn't be with a man who doesn't fight to see or pay for his children

it seems as if your husband can afford this because he’s putting the financial burden of his choices on the two children of his previous relationship.

and more importantly: Can these children afford it? will this have an impact on their extracurriculars, general lifestyle and or meeting complex needs?

Why can't people grasp that he is wanting to have his children more and she is being obstructive? If she wasn't ignoring the court order and refusing to allow him to see them (and I see he offered to do the childcare on his day off too) then I'd think he was harsh dropping the maintenance. That's not what's happening though, she is not complying so why should he make things easier? Pay the bare bones but regularly buy the DC shoes/coats/clothes when you do have them.

Don't be ridiculous.

Why is the gf/wife bit even relevant?

Has he offered to do this?

I have been you even down to the (slightly smug - sorry) tone on how much better my DH is with me compared to how he was in his previous relationship. His ex is very similar and we’ve been through the withdrawal of contact/parental alienation/maintenance issues.
a few things I have learnt;

1. the dc’s hearing how much happier their dad is with you, especially from family members, is hurtful and automatically makes the dsc defensive and more aligned to their mum as they feel protective of her. this started around the age of 5 with my dss. Whilst he didn’t fully understand the context he understood me = good her = bad to family members/friends. And they will know this even if you think they haven’t heard it.

2. whilst she is likely withholding the kids there maybe an element that they don’t want to come because of point 1) and because he has completely transformed his behaviour FOR YOU and not THEM. Whilst they are little, they will still have complex feelings about this especially the 7 year old as they may remember certain aspects of your DH neglecting to spend time with them.

3. by him changing his job and hours he is solidifying the idea that your unit is important enough for him to literally change his life for you but he was never able to do that for them. By reducing maintenance, you are (to them) proving that as they lose out again so that your dc/unit get more of him.

4. your salary being that much higher means they will see their sibling benefit from that in ways they are unlikely to. This is NOT your fault but you have to realise the impact that will have on them when combined with all the other points and the mum in their ears pointing out all the disparities. They are children and don’t see things in an adult way so are likely to react unfavourably to this. By reducing the maintenance (whilst they should not know) he is again cementing that the are less important to him than the child you share.

It’s a difficult situation and we are a few years on from this and things have settled after a few court battles etc. But we have learnt how our behaviours needed to be in order to be able to say to ALL children involved we did our best when they got older.

The children may well not want to see their dad. My dc are a similar age and don't really want to go to their dads EOW because they miss me and also he doesn't make his flat a "home" for them. I still insist they go because I believe it's important for all of us.

The dad needs to fight for contact and if that means going back to court then so be it.

Apologies if I have missed a post but I am on the fence about this because I haven't seen any actual figures.

If the CMS minimum is £250 and he's paying £500 then there is an argument to say he could drop this amount. NOT to the minimum, though, but perhaps work out a realistic figure somewhere in the middle. If however he's currently paying £300 then he should keep it at this amount.

Context matters. If ex is receiving £500 currently then dropping it to £450 (for example) isn't as big as a deal as dropping from £300 to £250 is.

No, legally he doesn't have to pay more than CMS tell him to. But legally he could quit his job tomorrow and then he wouldn't have to pay anything, but morally that would be the wrong thing to do. CMS is really the bare minimum he should pay. If he can afford to pay more then he should.

These are all very valid points that I hope you take note of OP. Your DH’s kids aren’t just his “former life”, that can be put away like an old toy. They’re living breathing kids who have your husband’s DNA and are going to be in your lives for ever. If you and your DH mess things up, you’ll pay for it in various ways for the foreseeable future.

This!

My kids are the ‘first’ kids and I can relate to all of this. And so can they, my daughter has therapy for it still.

Legally he can reduce his maintenance sure, but morally should he? I would be encouraging him to get a new job in order to provide for all children. As opposed to dropping days and taking new roles with huge pay cuts, especially as there’s no need. It’s a want and a privilege to drop the day, not a necessity. Only made possible due to OP’s wage but meaning the first children suffer.

And yes I got accused of withholding contact as well, in reality my kids voted with their feet and I was only too happy for them to use me as a shield and an ‘excuse’.

Go through the CMS review. Your DH can offer more but you'll all know where you stand. Persevere with court each and every time contact is restricted/orders breached. Your resources as a SM should not be considered.

@Lachimolala I think your comment is really sad tbh. Your children used you as a 'shield'? From their own father?