Child maintenance reduction

[Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow]

I earn 3x as much as my DH. This isn’t an issue at all but we’re wondering what to do when it comes to child maintenance.

DH was paying his ex girlfriend a very generous amount (at this stage no CMS involved and turns out he was paying 3x more than CMS would’ve calculated)

When his ex found out me and DH were pregnant she unilaterally reduced contact to half of what it was and went through CMS thinking she would get more money. I don’t think she realised our lifestyle was because of my salary; not DH’s.

Anyway, things have always been toxic with her and DH served a court order on her when she reduced contact which saw myself and DH gain overnight contact. Not as much as we would’ve liked but it was better than what we had.

His ex has now broken the court order by saying the children do not want to visit us, stay with us etc therefore we are barely seeing them. DH doesn’t want to force them to come but we miss them.

DH has reduced his salary and CMS would decrease by 25% at the end of the month. Is it unreasonable to reduce it to the CMS suggested level?

We don't know whether the mother has alternative childcare and how close the parents live to each other.

If they live 2.5 hours away from other then the kids seeing their dad more will tire them out. There as if they live 45 minutes away then the mother is being unreasonable.

The OP said would it be unreasonable to reduce it to the suggested level? That to me says it is a choice.

Is he going/trying to do more to care for his other children on his non working day ... Ok for you to subsidise his time to look after your dc but really unfair on his existing children to reduce his pathetic cms contribution to their lives...and does contribute to the narrative of him caring more about new child.. than existing children. .

Try thinking about this from the view of the children... They dont care that you have a higher salary than their dad... They see he is working less but not seeing them more....and is contributing less .
At the least you both should not have made them worse off..

Can dh look to increase his contact time now he is working less

Well, your DH is reducing his hours AND taking a lower paid role. The reduction of hours will mean that he can spend more time with your (shared) child and will save you (some) childcare fees.

It will therefore benefit the "new" child and your family.

His two already existing children however will receive less (maintenance) and will not get to spend more time with their father (that is NOT their fault but due to your DH and his ex-wife having an apparently extremely toxic relationship).

It will therefore be detrimental to the two children from his previous relationship.

He is making choices that benefit you / his new family but will be detrimental to the two children he already has. That may be right legally but it´s really shitty morally (and isn´t what I would expect from a decent parent).

I agree with that previous comment:
But what I'd do here is continue to pay what you were paying even though he's reduced his hours because he's reduced them to facilitate you working and reduce childcare costs and that's not his previous children's problem and I don't believe new children should reduce the lifestyle of previous ones...
And if he (or you) can´t afford that, he probably should reconsider the salary reduction.

She’s his ex girlfriend. Not wife.

If that´s all you took away from my comment...

He is making choices that benefit you / his new family but will be detrimental to the two children he already has. That may be right legally but it´s really shitty morally (and isn´t what I would expect from a decent parent).

Actions have consequences. And it seems incredibly convenient to put the negative consequences on the two children from his previous relationship whilst you and your shared child get to reap the benefits...

Which is nice for your child but his older children shouldn't miss out because of your choices that benefit your family.

Maintenance should be paid at the same level. You can't say you feel sorry for your DSC but choose a course if action that is detrimental to them.

DH can’t afford to drop hours AND pay the same amount so one set of children are going to be affected either way

She’s his ex girlfriend. Not wife. There is a legal distinction yes, but in terms of their relationship they were serious enough to have 2 children together, so why does it matter?

I dont think your DH is is a lowlife, but it sounds like he was a pretty shit Dad when they were together and no better now. Step families often get unfair judgements made of them on here, but it really does look like he's got his new family and his 'former' one doesn't matter anymore. That's what his DC will see and believe and it will damage them, maybe for life. I couldn't respect a parent that could let that happen to their children.

He already has commitments, he shouldn't just get to drop his hours to favour one child. If your child went to nursery for that one day he still gets to work full time to share his earnings between ALL of his children.

If I'm honest, I would absolutely reduce the money and leverage that for time. As in, every time she complained or mentioned the money he could say, "I can't afford to pay more, but I'm happy to have them more if you are struggling." And then rinse and repeat, offering overnights and time on his day at home.

Children aren't pay-per-view, but it's also unreasonable to refuse to let them see their parent without a good reason

And you´re making sure that your child will reap the benefits...

And your DSC the negative consequences.

Honestly just put yourself on the other side of this, him telling you he's dropping days to spend time with his new child (not yours) so he's reducing your money. Then you'll know what the right thing is to do.

Then he doesn't drop his hours.

Loads of parents would like to reduce their hours but can't afford to because they have kids to support. His older kids shouldn't lose out because he wants to work less. That is throwing them under a bus.

he is still going to pay maintenance

It's not his kids fault, he shouldn't be reducing days and reducing their support.

You're not listening to what countless posters are telling you.

His older children should not lose out financially because it suits your family for him to work less.

It's morally indefensible. Its really shitty.

it’s morally indefensible that he can’t see the kids more despite multiple attempts. Legally he can reduce his hours/salary and Maintenance.

“We’re talking about reducing CMS in-line with what it should be because we see the children bare minimum despite our attempts for more”

I think that “because” is very telling. Your decision is partially to punish the mother financially for her (admittedly bad) behaviour. His other children will suffer as a result.

I re-iterate what I said before. You have taken a decision on his hours and pay to benefit your family unit, at the detriment to his other children. Such a decision should have considered all of his children and I have no respect for men who don’t take their responsibilities seriously. You may legally be entitled to reduce CMS payments because of your family decision, but your and his conduct is immoral.

Those poor, poor children, stuck in the middle of this and about to suffer even more.

If you want to punish his kids because you're ultimately punishing the mother then crack on. If I was your DH I'd fight until I had no breath left to see my kids, not sit at home and accept it and reduce their support. Buy hey we are all different.

Can you answer this one OP? Would you be fine with it?

You don’t have the explain or justify yourself to anyone, OP. Your priority is your own child and immediate family unit.

Then he doesn't get to drop his hours. Lots of parents want to drop hours to spend more time with their children but they can't afford to so they don't.

You just want people to agree with you. You do sound pretty smug about being married and waiting to have your child unlike the reprobate ex. Your DH was part of that relationship

You are so right, OP doesn't need to justify herself to anyone and her priority is her own family.

And same for her DH, his priority is his own family which happens to include 2 more children.