Child maintenance reduction

[Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow]

I earn 3x as much as my DH. This isn’t an issue at all but we’re wondering what to do when it comes to child maintenance.

DH was paying his ex girlfriend a very generous amount (at this stage no CMS involved and turns out he was paying 3x more than CMS would’ve calculated)

When his ex found out me and DH were pregnant she unilaterally reduced contact to half of what it was and went through CMS thinking she would get more money. I don’t think she realised our lifestyle was because of my salary; not DH’s.

Anyway, things have always been toxic with her and DH served a court order on her when she reduced contact which saw myself and DH gain overnight contact. Not as much as we would’ve liked but it was better than what we had.

His ex has now broken the court order by saying the children do not want to visit us, stay with us etc therefore we are barely seeing them. DH doesn’t want to force them to come but we miss them.

DH has reduced his salary and CMS would decrease by 25% at the end of the month. Is it unreasonable to reduce it to the CMS suggested level?

I am the higher earner and we pool all money so we are left with the same amount. I don’t see it quite as subsidising his life so much as supporting my partner and his kids (who I quite like). I know the trope is they pay for their kids (fair) but in this instance I think it’s great he can have a say with your shared DC, I just think the right thing to do would be to keep CM the same. The reason CM reduces/rises based on parental income is so that no parent is disadvantaged unreasonably, but this is a choice you and him are making. A choice I agree with FWIW, but not one that I think should trump the CMS. It’s disadvantaging his first kids unfairly even if you pay for more stuff.

Wouof you feel more comfortable taking that money and starting savings accounts for the older DC maybe?

No op. Some of these responses are BATSHIT.

if the ex wants more money she can get a better job herself. it’s really not hard.

Honestly, it’s only MN where step mums are the devil and step children are MORE important than other children and their mother and her golden uterus can do no wrong. It’s so boring.

CMs ( whether you all like it or not) is based on the wages of the PARENT. So he should pay the correct amount based on that and offer half of clubs and uniform etc ( which it sounds like he already does). END OF.

Do he didn't only reduce his hours but also took a lower paid role? Smooth!

are you his ex?? 😂

If that ensures he sees his children more without having to go back to Court to enforce it every year or so then he can do try it.

However he risks them being sent to him in threadbare clothing and too small shoes to ensure he buys them new items most of the time. It happened to a friend of mines SC until they were in secondary school and put their feet down about their clothing.

I am not but I have friends who deal with lowlifes of the sort of DH. There is nothing remotely funny about it as the kids end up going without. Not sure what is so laughable about it.

Your posts give the impression that your DH was not a great dad when he and his ex were together. So there is baggage there that is being carried forward.

My view is that decisions need to be made on the basis that your DH has 3 children who deserve a happy life. Do you think mediation would help? Mediation which is very much focused on what is best for the DC and where all the adults concede that their behaviour in the past could have been better.

If not, then I would keep payments the same and go back to court to address contact. I would never link the 2 and I would also never, given your DHs poor parenting in the past, think that buying the things they need rather than handing over money. That will just infuriate his ex and rightly so. It’s controlling and also annoying to have a dad who had no interest in buying stuff for his kids when he and the ex were together because he was too busy with his hobbies suddenly deciding that he is interested enough to do the shopping. It’s way more important that DH shows he is wanting to spend time with his kids than spend the time shopping.

I could maintenance and money to children not the parents that made this sitting thr first place you were aware of the situation when you met and still chose to have a child so you are taking money away from them

Former life?

Says it all.

Do you think mediation would help? Mediation which is very much focused on what is best for the DC and where all the adults concede that their behaviour in the past could have been better.

@Rainbowqueeen mediation is supposed to be like that but I've not found any separated parents who have ended up with a Court Order capable of mediating until around 4-5 years after they have both stuck to the Court Order.

The SC's mother isn't sticking to the Court Order so mediation would be a waste of time in this case.

You mean higher earners have big houses and fancy cars? Supporting all of his children should be his priority over taking on massive bills. Surely he knew his outgoings before reducing his hours?

My husband is not a low life thank you. I was in an abusive relationship for years for which my ex served jail time so I know about low lives, my husband is not one. He’s a man who was in a toxic relationship (granted he contributed to that toxicity) and has now found happiness and love with me. I sincerely hope you find the same level of happiness in your own life.

We would love to spend more time with the kids. We’ve even suggested my DH providing childcare on the day he’s off with the baby but she doesn’t want him to see the kids more. He’s had to fight to see them once every 2 weeks as it is.

Unfortunately some people view paying child maintenance as paying for the children's mother.

This is where the talk of putting the money in a saving account for the children sometimes comes from. That way they know the children only will have the money.

We buy them things outside of the contributions that they need for school and things like that

We buy all their stuff for both home and our house

"things" or "all their stuff"?

If you already buy "all their stuff", how do you see those material things increasing?

Does he live a long way from the kids?

As every separated parent I know and have met who lives nearby actually sees their kids more than that including if it is Court Ordered.

And also

I do think though that their mother should be doing more so that they know their daddy loves them

This is their father's responsibility, to show that he loves them. What is he doing to show them this? Why do you feel its her responsibility?

Exactly. The new wife who sees her husband’s children as a “former life”.

When did his living children become history OP? Your husband’s former life was the time he spent with his ex wife before the kids were born. Now they’re born, they are his current life.

I'm not hell bent on making him look evil, I think he should continue to contribute to his DC at the same rate as prior to making the decision to have more DC.

Take your money out of it completely. Your responsibility is towards your own child, not your stepchildren.

Shame that the mother could see this as an opportunity for him to have his older children more, so she can work on improving her own income.

That isn't possible though.

Even if he didn't reduce his hours his CM would be reduced because he's had another child.