Child maintenance reduction

[Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow]

I earn 3x as much as my DH. This isn’t an issue at all but we’re wondering what to do when it comes to child maintenance.

DH was paying his ex girlfriend a very generous amount (at this stage no CMS involved and turns out he was paying 3x more than CMS would’ve calculated)

When his ex found out me and DH were pregnant she unilaterally reduced contact to half of what it was and went through CMS thinking she would get more money. I don’t think she realised our lifestyle was because of my salary; not DH’s.

Anyway, things have always been toxic with her and DH served a court order on her when she reduced contact which saw myself and DH gain overnight contact. Not as much as we would’ve liked but it was better than what we had.

His ex has now broken the court order by saying the children do not want to visit us, stay with us etc therefore we are barely seeing them. DH doesn’t want to force them to come but we miss them.

DH has reduced his salary and CMS would decrease by 25% at the end of the month. Is it unreasonable to reduce it to the CMS suggested level?

So the ex is right. He now has a shiny new family and has moved his other children to the back burner. Because reducing his hours to benefit his new family while disadvantaging his other children is exactly what he’s doing.

if the ex has broken the court order then he needs to go back to court. But let’s not pretend your DH is innocent in all this. The only victims here are the children who are being poisoned by one parent, and sidelined by the other.

Just because he reduced his hours, the cost of looking after his DC with his ex didn't go down. It's obvious that he reduced his hours to earn less to punish his ex with reduced payments. Does he not care about his kids with his ex? of course yabu! Father who pay maintenance shouldn't be able to drop their hours in order to reduce payments.

In those circumstances, I'd pay the cms-indicated amount, then additionally offer the ex support with childcare on your dh's day off.

Offer to buy the dcs winter coats and school uniform and shoes - on their weekly visits to their dad. Offer to pay for school trips which you pay direct to the school.

And go back to court to challenge her parental alienation. Don't give in. Your dh's children need him, no matter whether she likes it or not.

You say their mum is saying things about his new family etc yet he is doing nothing to dispel what she is saying as he's not enforcing his court order - so he can't be that fussed about his previous children - and that's probably how it looks to the kids 2bh

This is exactly how it looks and how it will feel to his children. It really is a bullshit excuse. Even assuming the kids are telling the truth rather then parroting their mother'e words good parents make kids do all sorts of things they'd rather not because its in their DCs best interests. Things like going to school, setting boundaries, getting kids to do chores and clean up after themselves. At 5 & 7 they are not old enough to be making a considered decision about parental contact. The idea they can is ridiculous.

They need their Dad, especially now he has a new baby. They will be feeling unloved and replaced and this will effect their self esteem and confidence. Throwing up his arms and saying well the kids don't want it is really unreasonable and him opting out of parenting. He needs to go back to court, get enforcement and rebuild his relationship with his kids for their sakes.

Him dropping his hours, is a luxury because of your wage. Him not taking her to court for breaching the orders is a bit shit. Being sad and actually doing something practical are vastly different, and it sounds like you'd be able to take it back to court easily if you have a decent joint income. Personally, I wouldn't be reducing it by the full amount- I'd reduce it by half at most, and I'd be fighting to actually see my kids not juts throwing my hands up and saying oh well

Putting it this way: could WE afford to keep the payments up? Certainly. Could DH on his own salary? Definitely not. This is the dilemma.

Again @Chocolatebuttonns that is not what I said and there really is no need for the language!

Nurseries here offer morning or afternoon or full-time here. There is because funding is linked to these. Deviation causes extra paper work.

My husband knows that his Dad went to court and tried to get access sorted - more than the Sunday 11-3 that’s his Mum would allow. My husband will now never plan anything for 11 o’clock as the anxiety and memory’s of his Mum bitterness at that time through his childhood.

This is 40+ years ago. My husband knows that his Dad tried and his Mum did her best to block the relationship.

Take it back to court , financially I do think he shouldn’t drop the CMS. Your husband has 3 children to provide for his choice to drop a day for one shouldn’t really unfairly knock on the other two.

Adults sometimes need to remember their actions hurt the children and the long term actions affect their children into adulthood.

This! DH and I have said this we could pay her 100% of our salaries and she still wouldnt be happy. I know my DC has a better lifestyle than DSC and from a financial point of view is more secure etc but we made sure we didn’t have a baby until we were in that position and I don’t think we should feel guilty for making that choice. It wasn’t at the expense of the DSC but I know there’s disparity.

I’ve voted YABU primarily because it’s nothing to do with you. If your DH wants to pay above the CMS rate for his children then it’s up to him. I’m assuming you knew he had children when you met him?
It does sound a bit of a cop out that he’s not pursuing overnight contact with his DC though. How old are they?

I think whatever you do will be seen as an attack from what you've said about the ex. My advice would be that it's your dh issue to resolve. If he can only afford to pay inline with the CMS then that's what he does. If he can adore atmdditional then he can pay more or buy things like school uniforms etc. Another option is to pay the CMS amount but put an additional amount into a savings account for the dc to have access to when they are at an age you think they would benefit from.

Access and maintenance are two separate things, children are not a pay per view item and regardless of if he sees the dc or not, he should still pay. The legal amount is the CMS

I’m not saying he can or can’t. He’s his own man who prefers that we make our decisions together so just wind your neck in a little there. How is it a cop out when he served the court papers to get overnight contact? What’s he meant to do? Barge upto her house and demand the kids come with us? That’ll cause even more damage to the kids emotionally and mentally, especially if their mother resists which has happened before and we don’t want to scar the children even more.

It's absolutely reasonable to go to CMS and ask them to recalculate. She is the one who insisted it went to CMS in the first place so that's what she wants.

I think the savings account is a good idea

I work with many parents - almost all of them have part time childcare in nurseries. My grandchildren attend nursery 2 days a week / breakfast and after school club 3 days a week.
The vast majority of childcare providers cater for part time places.

Then you don't.

They have the parents they have

So I have an junior ISA set up for our DC. Again, DH can’t afford and never could nor will probably ever be able to afford to do this for DSC.

I suspect she reduced contact in an attempt to increase CMS.

But what I'd do here is continue to pay what you were paying even though he's reduced his hours because he's reduced them to facilitate you working and reduce childcare costs and that's not his previous children's problem and I don't believe new children should reduce the lifestyle of previous ones.

Alongside that I'd be going back to court.

If you keep playing tit for tat this won't be resolved.

That's fine. They have different parents. Don't be suckered into doing this for his kids, they have two parents of their own.

He needs to go back to court and enforce the court order. Sorry but he's not 'forcing' the DC to see him at that age, he is ensuring he can build a bond with them.

I would drop the maintenance too, if she is blocking the contact (as someone on the other side, I always believe there are 2 sides to every story) then it may persuade her to let him see them more. I would however, offer to buy clothes, shoes etc. for the DC while you've got them.