Husband & lapdance

[Thatwagon]

Husband on xmass party night ..wouldnt tell be before he left if he would be home ..stayed out all night..home at 7am .i was not happy straight away went to his pockets aside from all the drink receipts i found 2 cards for a private dance .
He says he cant remember being there but knows he did nothing wrong.
How can he not remember being there but know he did nothing wrong.?
I dont think he would have told if i didnt confront him.
I feel so sick angry about it all.
Its more the lies and not remembering and trying to convince me he did nothing wrong thats killing me.
We rowed ...we talked all at mine insistence he hasnt tried at all and im just so sick of him I cant look at him without picturing him with a lapdancer .
Please tell me what you would do in my shoes I have no one to talk to in real life and im really struggling.
Thanks in adavance.

@Thatwagon

You don’t trust him. Thats basically the bottom line, and if you don’t then the relationship is doomed.

FWIW I don’t blame you.

But...if he still has the cards, he didn't use them. You don't get receipts from strip clubs, particularly not in the form of "cards".

I totally agree with this. Not a popular opinion on MN but for balance I think it’s useful to know that some women wouldn’t be too bothered by this.

Like PP, I’d be a bit 🙄 at the waste of the money.

If not be happy with a Laplace, but it's more the 7am that would make me suspicious. That's extremely early/late and I used to party hard in my day

He’d have to have been in the club and intending to get a ‘dance’ to have the cards. Wouldn’t he?

Apart from the expense, as others said, it’s more about his view of women and respect for you. Not just 1 dance either!

I confused what the cards are? Are the business cards advertising dances or are they receipts? World of difference.

Not at all - they're often promotional cards handed out in pubs to get people through the door as a loss leader. I saw this loads of times back in the early 00s (when I used to actually leave the house and have a social life).

That would lead to the alternate possibility that, far from having been a dirty rat and gone to a strip club for a lapdance, he had the opportunity to get two free lapdances and chose not to go.

In that circumstance, which is far more likely in my eyes given the available evidence, he'd be justified in feeling pretty damn aggrieved at OP's behaviour. In fact, the sensible advice to him would be LTB, on the grounds that she's so quick to assume guilt regardless of evidence and that's a pattern that will never change.

I’d put himout. He’s married he doesn’t get to have sexual kicks elsewhere .
Then let’s talk about “he doesn’t know if he will be home” why would he not return home?
This man is not to be trusted .
No respect for you either

After I caught my ex cheating he broke down and confessed to many many lap dances. He said they absolutely do more than just a lap dance. Some clubs turn a blind eye to the girls who want to earn more money. Many insist that as long as they make arrangements with the customer for ‘after work services’ it’s not breaking the rules, but they are facilitating it.

Searching through someone’s pockets is OK, though?

I would end this relationship tbh. We are monogamous and so it's not ok to get lap dances off other women unless we've talked about it and agreed, which we haven't because I wouldn't agree.

You can't trust him because he won't even be honest about his behaviour which is the real deal breaker for me.
I would be gone.

I agree with another poster that in the mainstream ones (in my city at least), it literally is just a semi-private dance, and not fully naked, absolutely no touching. I worked in the bar of two while studying at uni and security was very very strict, the girls who danced always used to say they couldn’t believe there was so many people willing to spend up to £100 for a “private dance” which was literally just them dancing around in their underwear for half an hour!

BUT that aside, if he was too drunk to remember anything then he doesn’t know what he’s done and the fact he didn’t come home until 7am would bother me far more because frankly where on earth has he been until that time

I knew a work colleague who had a secret lap dance. He admitted that he had been allowed to put his face in the dancer's breasts and touch.

So I think it's naive to think it's as minimal as some posters say.

I'd be pissed off about the money. a bit icked and would have a conversation about exploitation but that would be it.

It's grim, I'd look at all his bank statements and see if he bought the cards, if he has the cards they haven't been used. It's grim but (having never been in one of the clubs) I think no touching etc if your relationship isn't great it may be the straw that breaks the camels back, if it's pretty good I'd try and work through it.

Just doing my bingo card, have we had "prudes", "boys will be boys", "empowering" and "did you tell him touching another womans breasts is a boundary" yet?

Absolutely incorrect 😂 (ex lapdancer here).

Gross. I wouldn't want to be with a man who behaved like this. I'm sorry that you are in this position, OP.

So they were receipts, not just advertising cards?

If so I'd be fuming one because he'd actually done such a thing and two that he thinks it's fine your feelings don't matter enough to even have a conversation with you about why he'd done it.

Oh sweet summer child. Did your husband tell you that?

This thread is so depressing, some women's bars for male behaviour are tragically low.

Was this a work Xmas party? The fact he had those vouchers in his pocket doesn't prove much other than the fact he didn't use them. If he'd have used them, they'd have taken them off him. I wouldn't be surprised if his company just gave all the blokes a couple of vouchers. The place I used to work for did this when there was a trip to a brothel strip club in Ibiza on a work event (no, really, a "work" event in Ibiza), in the hotel the next day the one who still had the token things in his pocket got mocked by most of the other men and quietly, very slightly approved by the women.

If the cards are in his pocket does this mean they’ve not been used? Wouldn’t you have to hand them in if you got a dance?

Can he get a refund 😂

Laughable how some blokes think they get away with this bullshit 🙄 and sad that some women believe them. Obviously fine if that helps get them over it but it's a bit off to declare it as a fact when even my dog probably knows the no touching rule is absolutely not a thing in all these places.

Yes potential trafficking is hilarious 🙄