Page 2 | Husband & lapdance

Thatwagon · 2024-01-11T23:33:38+00:00

Husband on xmass party night ..wouldnt tell be before he left if he would be home ..stayed out all night..home at 7am .i was not happy straight away went to his pockets aside from all the drink receipts i found 2 cards for a private dance . He says he cant remember being there but knows he did nothing wrong. How can he not remember being there but know he did nothing wrong.? I dont think he would have told if i didnt confront him. I feel so sick angry about it all. Its more the lies and not remembering and trying to convince me he did nothing wrong thats killing me. We rowed ...we talked all at mine insistence he hasnt tried at all and im just so sick of him I cant look at him without picturing him with a lapdancer . Please tell me what you would do in my shoes I have no one to talk to in real life and im really struggling. Thanks in adavance.

5thCommandment · 12/01/2024 07:43

He can't remember lol - alcohol doesn't make you forget. He should man up and Fess up. I wouldn't kick him out over that though, bloody hell the woke anti man brigade is out already, no wonder half the women on MN are divorced.

Vallmo47 · 12/01/2024 07:47

I would be really hurt OP I’m sorry.

Megifer · 12/01/2024 07:51

Op's sex life has fuck all to do with this 🙄

And its cute that people think private dances are strictly no touching 🥹 of course they are <head pat>

What would you do if he popped to the neighbours and let her smear her vulva all over his face if he paid her £50?

BalletBob · 12/01/2024 07:52

C1N1C · 12/01/2024 07:07

Exploring all options...

Yes, he could be 'one of those guys', and those guys never really change...

...but I have to ask, what is your sex life like at home?

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

The amount of sex within a marriage is completely unconnected to the choice to cheat, to use sex workers, to spend family money on naked (possibly trafficked) women who grind on a bloke's groin for five minutes, or any other disgusting behaviour. Those things are choices. Plenty of men who are single and not having any sex in a relationship at all manage not to exploit vulnerable women or use their bodies as commodities to be bought.

FFS my husband went without sex for over 18 months at one point during our marriage and managed to remain the same dedicated, loyal, loving, affectionate man he has always been. Stop excusing shit behaviour by weak, selfish men by trying to blame their wives.

BalletBob · 12/01/2024 07:58

5thCommandment · 12/01/2024 07:43

He can't remember lol - alcohol doesn't make you forget. He should man up and Fess up. I wouldn't kick him out over that though, bloody hell the woke anti man brigade is out already, no wonder half the women on MN are divorced.

This is so funny.

For a start I'm not sure you know what "woke" means 🤣

But also, has it occured to you that women who have higher standards than you do for men's behaviour are not divorced, just...married to better men? I think what is "anti man" is to hold the belief that this is typical male behaviour and should be tolerated because boys will be boys. So, so many men are better than you seem to believe men are capable of being.

Deathbyathousandcats · 12/01/2024 08:00

Well it definitely crosses my red line for a relationship, but you have to define what’s acceptable in yours.

BillStickersWillBeProsocuted · 12/01/2024 08:04

What exactly are these cards? Are the like a receipt or a voucher to get a dance? The way you word it "Card for a private dance" makes me think the latter, and I wouldn't have thought dancers give receipts? (maybe showing my naivety!)

If it is a card to get a dance and they're still in his pocket doesn't that show he didn't use them?

Going into the strip club at all isn't great, but if he had a vouchers for free dances and didn't use them I couldn't be too upset

pugwash4x4 · 12/01/2024 08:14

No they REALLY aren't touching, the man can be touched through his clothes but will be ejected quickly if he gets handsy. I used to work as security manyany years ago in a lapdancing club- the club's would be closed very quickly by the council if there is a merest hint of any of the girls having sex, it doesn't happen. Very few of the girls are actually escorts either, very few indeed(frankly they earn enough money not to need to!).

Op only you can decide whether you can live with this, I suspect most men would feel like they havent betrayed their partners, if they can justify going to a strip club in the first place.

nothingcomestonothing · 12/01/2024 08:23

Your husband went out and wouldn't tell you whether he'd be coming home. The first thing you did when he got back was go through his pockets. This does not sound like a healthy relationship.

lunarleap · 12/01/2024 08:23

You don't trust him. Boot him out

Catza · 12/01/2024 08:26

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 12/01/2024 00:58

You are very naive.

Show quote history

Ok. I stand corrected as several posters who worked in one appear to say differently. So let me rephrase that: in my city, mainstream clubs do not tolerate touching of females on premises in any shape or form. Which is great as it ensures employee safety. If there are other seedy establishments who don’t care about safety of women, I am pleased to say that neither myself nor my partner ever visited them.

Megifer · 12/01/2024 08:26

Like I say, it's really sweet that some believe it's strictly no touching.

Op, this absolutely 100% as sure as night becomes day happens, maybe not all the time, not all the girls, not all clubs. But it's pitifully naive to say it doesn't happen.

Fact is you may never know whether the club he went to was one that turns a blind eye to it.

5thCommandment · 12/01/2024 08:27

@BalletBob wokism is about prejudice and discrimination - this bloke is getting demonised for going for a lap dance. He's not shagged anyone.... and immediately there are the usual MN "divorce" calls lol. Any woman that looks at porn is being disingenuous about this. It's just live porn.

ChaToilLeam · 12/01/2024 08:30

I’d be fucking furious and let him know in no uncertain terms that he is a sleazy shitbag.

ntmdino · 12/01/2024 08:30

BillStickersWillBeProsocuted · 12/01/2024 08:04

What exactly are these cards? Are the like a receipt or a voucher to get a dance? The way you word it "Card for a private dance" makes me think the latter, and I wouldn't have thought dancers give receipts? (maybe showing my naivety!)

If it is a card to get a dance and they're still in his pocket doesn't that show he didn't use them?

Going into the strip club at all isn't great, but if he had a vouchers for free dances and didn't use them I couldn't be too upset

That was my first thought.

Think about how the transaction goes - dude wants a private dance, hands over cash...private dance happens. It's possible there's a situation where he'd then get a card to then hand over to any dancer, but he'd have to hand it over so it couldn't be used again.

I can, however, imagine a situation where these are handed out as part of a promotion outside the venue (or even in another venue) in order to try to get people through the door. Even if that were the case, though, for the cards to be used they'd have to be handed over - if for no other reason than the dancers get paid, because it's the club using them as a loss-leader, not the dancers themselves.

Ergo, no matter how the club in question handles such cards, they wouldn't still be in his possession if he'd actually used them.

StragglyTinsel · 12/01/2024 08:31

5thCommandment · 12/01/2024 08:27

@BalletBob wokism is about prejudice and discrimination - this bloke is getting demonised for going for a lap dance. He's not shagged anyone.... and immediately there are the usual MN "divorce" calls lol. Any woman that looks at porn is being disingenuous about this. It's just live porn.

Objecting to ‘live porn’ is completely acceptable.

Frankly, objecting to the sex industry is a completely reasonable position. Don’t assume that many of us aren’t completely consistent on our objection to it.

You might think hat a bar set on the ground (‘not shagging anyone’) is acceptable. But it is absolutely fine and good if other women have higher standards for themselves.

Going to a strip club at all is a dealbreaker for me. If a man wants to do that… well he is most definitely not a man who shares my values sufficiently for a relationship to work. So I would absolutely end a relationship over it. It wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone in a relationship with me either.

ManateeFair · 12/01/2024 08:33

I’d hate this. Not because I think there’s anything ‘wrong’ with strip clubs per se, but because I’m just not attracted to the sort of bloke that would go to one (especially with their colleagues, ffs). It’s that whole ‘tits out for the lads’ kind of mentality that I just find really cringe.

C1N1C · 12/01/2024 08:34

BalletBob · 12/01/2024 07:52

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

The amount of sex within a marriage is completely unconnected to the choice to cheat, to use sex workers, to spend family money on naked (possibly trafficked) women who grind on a bloke's groin for five minutes, or any other disgusting behaviour. Those things are choices. Plenty of men who are single and not having any sex in a relationship at all manage not to exploit vulnerable women or use their bodies as commodities to be bought.

FFS my husband went without sex for over 18 months at one point during our marriage and managed to remain the same dedicated, loyal, loving, affectionate man he has always been. Stop excusing shit behaviour by weak, selfish men by trying to blame their wives.

Show quote history

Laura M. Vowels, Matthew J. Vowels & Kristen P. Mark (2022) Is Infidelity Predictable? Using Explainable Machine Learning to Identify the Most Important Predictors of Infidelity, The Journal of Sex Research, 59:2, 224-237, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2021.1967846

Main predictors of infidelity:

dissatisfaction with sex within the relationship

-high sex drive -low relationship satisfaction -low love for partner

I asked about whether OP's sex life was healthy with her husband because it's a valid question. Men who have fallen out of love tend to cheat. Men who are dissatisfied in the relationship tend to cheat... But men who have a high sex drive or are dissatisfied with (say) the 'quality' of sex are more likely to explore alternative options like porn, strippers or say, online flirting for a quick relief too.

If this were me, I'd be really hurt... but breaking it down, I wouldn't be thinking the relationship was bad, I'd be questioning why they had to resort to such a depressing sexual relief.

NeedToChangeName · 12/01/2024 08:36

Well, it tells you how much respect / concern he has for women. Hint = not much

I couldn't look at him in the same way again

Deathbyathousandcats · 12/01/2024 08:38

5thCommandment · 12/01/2024 08:27

@BalletBob wokism is about prejudice and discrimination - this bloke is getting demonised for going for a lap dance. He's not shagged anyone.... and immediately there are the usual MN "divorce" calls lol. Any woman that looks at porn is being disingenuous about this. It's just live porn.

A great example of ‘everything I don’t like is woke’ nonsense

StragglyTinsel · 12/01/2024 08:38

When my sister was a teenager, she totally fell for all the ‘sex positive’/‘yay sex work’ faux-feminist bullshit. She was determined to get a job as a lapdancer when she turned 18.

Of course, it was incredibly easy for her to achieve this.

Turned out that it wasn’t the amazing and empowering experience she’d be sold. It was in fact exactly what you’d imagine the ‘sex industry’ to be. She left very quickly (because she had a choice and didn’t desperately need the money, luckily). She very much regrets it and recognises that she had been duped by the bullshit and rhetoric.

Any many interested in using these services is, IMO, not a good person. And I don’t want to have a relationship with them.

Mischance · 12/01/2024 08:40

It speaks volumes about his attitude to women - I would not want to be with him.

MrsMarzetti · 12/01/2024 08:45

He is a liar and a creep with no concerns for your feelings and that is all you need to know. Now it is up to you whether you can accept that and live with it for the rest of your life or are you worth more than a lying cheat?

Caerulea · 12/01/2024 08:47

Assuming he had the dances this would be a red line for me, I'd not be able to look at him in the same way again.

You must feel horrible :(

Merryoldgoat · 12/01/2024 08:48

Catza · 11/01/2024 23:52

I will be in a minority but I would do absolutely nothing in your shoes. In the UK, there is no such thing as a lap dance. A private dance is literally a semi-open room, no touching etc. Lasts about 5 minutes. I’d be more upset at the price to be honest.

Edited

The sooner people realise this isn’t true the better frankly.

Some you are allowed to touch and the lines are a lot more blurred.