To not expect DH to sleep so long on night shift?

[stairlift]

DH started a night job 3 months ago; working 10pm-6am Sunday to Thursday.
I knew it wouldn't be easy to adjust but he is literally in bed 7am-8.30om and it's driving me mad.

I work full time during day and am literally having to do everything else regarding house, kids etc. it's really oissing me off as he sleeps/works during week and then does very little at weekend. I've said if he can't get into some sort of routine he needs to look at other options as I can't cope with this situation long term

He is not being unreasonable to need all that sleep (in my opinion) but you are not being unreasonable to think it’s not sustainable or fair on you! Sounds so tough, especially if you’re also trying to keep kids quiet so he can sleep! Maybe he should try and get up earlier so he can be there for the kids in the early evening.

He is sleeping 13.5 hours a day?

Night shifts are totally completely and utterly knackering. I need to be in bed way longer when on nights, because the quality of the daytime sleep is so crap. And coming on/off night time mode fucks me over big time.

You're very protective of that nightshirt! 🤣

Well,his waking hours may have changed, but after a week or two of settling in, it still leaves him with hours he can help out at the weekend... even if it's midnight to 6am...

Actually, yes that is long but I guess he’s completely exhausted. Maybe he’s not sleeping all that time, but chilling in bed which is also really unfair on the op.

It's a bit much when you have children to care for.

I've never personally worked nights and I'm sure the adjustment period is tough. I first read it as "3 days" and thought you needed to give him a chance but on rereading, you said "3 months".

It's not fair that you're working full time and caring for your joint children for him to just work full time and nothing else.

Maybe night shifts aren't for him? I'm assuming he gets a premium for working nights, could your finances take the hit if he goes back to days?

Nightshifts are awful as they are against your natural circadian rhythms. Your husband has my sympathy.

By all means help him find day work but you are making his exhaustion all about you!

Os he sleeping that long. Or is it actually that he's going to bed at 7am but his brain is telling him it's the wrong time of day to go to sleep so it's taking him forever to get to sleep?

He says his sleep quality is really poor and I think he must doze a lot of the time but it's literally just 8 hours he works; less than me and I do everything else on top of that

The reason he needs more sleep is because it's impossible for most people to reverse their body clock and get good quality sleep at the same time. Therefore people become exhausted and need more sleep Not everyone is cut out for night work.

I

I found working nights made me far more tired than working days, daytime sleep was not the same quality as night time sleep, it took me much longer to fall into a deep sleep and then that sleep was often broken by simple things like the traffic or the neighbours coming home and doing every day things. But you are right, he still needs to pull his weight and if he can't then maybe he needs to look for a new job.

I have said he needs to look at moving to a day shift if things don't settle but he's not keen

Nightshift is completely different to working “just 8 hours” and if you have never worked it then it is difficult to understand how it affects you.

That being said, he needs to get into a proper routine and get up in the afternoon. I’ve done nightshift for 21 years and I know of no one at at work that has slept till 8.30

I have insomnia and the nights where I just doze I feel ill the next day I'm so tired

You aren't wrong about it being better for him to get a daytime job though

He is also reliant on me waking him up, putting food in front of him. It's like having another teenager and not fair

Am so annoyed tonight am very tempted to leave him be and let him deal with the fallout

Some people just can't work the nightshift and function like a normal human. They just can't. Their circadian rhythm is permanently fucked.

Your husband needs to be realistic about what working nightshifts is going to do to his marriage and his health. You might as well be a single parent, and there is only so much of this you will take before your resentment kills your marriage.

He needs to get into a routine of no more than 8 hrs sleep. Get up and do something after his sleep time, it should get better.

Unless you have worked night shifts you have no idea of just how exhausting they are for most people and how poor quality day time sleep is. I was doing them regularly for 13 years and the absolutely hardest part of my job. His natural body rhythms are completely messed up. I would try to get as much sleep as possible over my nights but would only manage a couple of decent hours with some napping in between those and it was hellish!!

DH is a uniformed services shift worker doing a weird pattern. When he does his night shifts, he comes home at 7am ish, goes straight to bed and sleeps until late afternoon, gets up at 4 and mooches around like a zombie until after dinner and then sleeps for a few more hours before going back in to work, still bleary eyes and yawning. He's neither use nor ornament. He simply can't manage, falls asleep at the wheel and it's aged him immeasurably since adopting this shift pattern. It's brutal and nothing helps. The sleep quality is poor and does nothing restorative.

Were you having to manage home/DC as well or did you have support?

The driving would worry me if he’s actually falling asleep at the wheel. Not to mention other road users.

Night shifts are terrible for your health. And if he needs 13.5 hours sleep a day, he's already not coping. He's not actually having a life. Just bed and work.

As for putting meals in front of him etc. No. I had to do night shifts for two years because of DH (long story) and he was very grateful, used to make me a packed lunch for work and make sure my sleeping area was nice. But he didn't wake me and feed me like a baby.

The job isn't working. He needs to decide either how to make it work, or change it.

He falls asleep at the wheel? That's incredibly dangerous for him and other road users - it's as bad as driving drunk. Please say he's not driving anymore.

OP, why isn't your husband keen on changing to day shifts? Is it an option?

He's not keen on changing to daytime because of the money. There's a decent premium for nighshifts but I'm really doubting it's worth it