To not expect DH to sleep so long on night shift?

[stairlift]

DH started a night job 3 months ago; working 10pm-6am Sunday to Thursday.
I knew it wouldn't be easy to adjust but he is literally in bed 7am-8.30om and it's driving me mad.

I work full time during day and am literally having to do everything else regarding house, kids etc. it's really oissing me off as he sleeps/works during week and then does very little at weekend. I've said if he can't get into some sort of routine he needs to look at other options as I can't cope with this situation long term

My husband does those hours on those days. He goes to bed at about 7am as it takes a little while to wind down. He cannot just come back and go right to sleep. Then he's awake about 2pm. Stays awake until half 5pm, goes back to bed and wakes up for 8pm. Spends time with me until half past 9 then off to work he goes.
Fridays he gets up about 1pm, and purposely stays awake, and then goes to bed about 9pm and then he's up about 5am on the Saturday so he can spend Saturday and Sunday day with me.
His work mates can sleep throughout the whole day, but he can't. We have blackout blinds and everything but he just seems to wake up around 2pm, and needs a nap later.

If he's having 11+ hours kip thats still a lot. Obviously it takes while to get into a routine of things, so hopefully he will settle. Ideally he needs to be in bed for 7.30am and awake for around 5.30pm. Thats a good 10 hours still, and can still spend the evening with you.

I sleep in two shifts after a night too.
About 8am until perhaps 2. Then potter about, keep the home fires burning, have a light dinner with family, then back to bed from 6-8.30ish.
Having said that, I refuse to do more than 2 nights consecutively these days. That third night in my own bed is very precious.

I only work night shifts and sleep 0700-1400 then maybe nap around 1800-2000

night shifts are tough

Why does he go to bed so early? He has no down time. I used to work nights and would come home, have dinner, watch TV unwind for a couple of hours and go to bed around 12 get up around 8 have breakfast and go to work. Poor guy's mental health must be suffering if it's just work sleep rinse repeat

Its not unusual to go straight in and go to bed. It’s what I do.

Does this premium he works pay for someone to do several hours daily of parenting that he’s not doing? I’ve worked night shifts and the men with families went home and did breakfast with the kids and the school run, then were home cooking dinner for the family before work. He’s taking the absolute piss and I’d tell him I’m done, I’m not waking him or cooking for him and as far as I’m concerned he’s checked out since I never married and had kids with someone thinking they’d make choices that meant they weren’t a partner or a parent.

Is she being unreasonable to think she expected her husband to be her partner not make zero other contribution to their life? He doesn’t even get himself out of bed. If he needs that much sleep on night shift then he needs a new job as this one doesn’t work for him since he has a family, so either way he is being unreasonable. I need more sleep
all the time but I set an alarm and stagger up to get the kids up and ready before I get to work.

That’s crazy. I work nightshifts 6pm to 6am. I sleep until around 3pm, 4 if in extremely lucky.

If I had to sleep all day until 8:30pm I’d be looking at new jobs. A few people I work with pretend to be asleep until later so that they don’t have to deal with kids etc between nightshifts. You sure he’s not?

It will be especially hard for your DH just now as it’s also winter, so he won’t be seeing daylight at all, basically he will be living his life in darkness.
(I used to find it incredibly distressing, not good for mental health, as well as the poor sleep quality)

That is bollocks and he is taking the piss- and I say that as a permanent night shift worker of over 10years. Ex husband also was. We were both capable of getting up and participating in some aspects of family life before the next shift. Yes sleep is different, but taking to your bed for the whole day, only getting up to eat and then leave is juts selfish. He's not sleeping for 13 hours, he needs to come out and cartilage in some of the evening duties.

He’s not getting up as he doesn’t want to. He’s getting you to do all the work.

Explain very clearly that you’ve got your hands full as a result of him offering no support in the home and something has got to give. Tell him you’re sorry he’s struggling but that something is parenting him and as such you won’t be helping with wake ups, delivering meals to him etc and he must contribute at the weekend. If he hasn’t got it so easy he might reconsider if this shift really benefits him.

Maybe night shift doesn't work for him. I worked it for a while thinking that because I'm a night person it would be super easy and it wasn't; I felt like I never had enough sleep.

My partner works 10hr night shifts 40hrs a week and pretty much always has since I've known him.
It's tough.. mostly on him. We have a young child and I manage her and the home, I do not work.
He relies on me waking him up also. And he also says that working nights require more hours sleep. He simply can't get himself up for work, he would completely sleep through until the next day if I wasn't here to be the alarm clock as he is always so exhausted.
It's difficult all round but you do get used to it

I remember when I first met my husband and he would sleep for a whole day after working nights. I was gobsmacked as I thought only babies slept as much as him but in time his body adjusted and he began sleeping less when he got home.

She could always tell him to stop working and claim UC then he wont provide for his family he wont need sleep then.

That's not normal.

My dad worked nights and he would be up before 3pm. I can understand it being difficult at first but three months on he's taking the piss.

Night shifts are far harder than day shifts. I stopped doing night shifts after realising just how severe the impact was on every aspect of my life, took me years to get back into a good sleep routine

He's right. Sleep quality in between nights is very poor.

I worked nights for 5 years some years ago. He’s taking the piss. Yes night shifts are hard but he needs to work out what works better for him…either sleep until late afternoon and get up or sleep til early afternoon then get up for a few hours before getting a second nap in. I doubt he’s actually sleeping 13.5 hours, just timing his sleep to coincide when household stuff is required of him.

How is he “right” exactly?

Its MN hes not gonna be right.

Have you read the full thread and the amount of nightshift workers that have posted?

You are not being U for needing help but you are U for expecting him to be around during the daytime on weekends. His body clock needs to adjust to nights or days, he can't keep swapping that might be another reason he's exhausted. Could he put in two "shifts" doing household chores overnight on friday/Saturday nights? Catching up on laundry, cleaning, sweeping, mopping etc etc. Family food shop at a 24h supermarket and so on. Have a few hours family time at home on a Fri/Sat evening and perhaps going out on a Saturday/ Sunday morning, going for a walk or to a farm park or whatever. Then he can go back to bed for the afternoon before work. That would take care of majority of housework while still getting family time in. Takes pressure of you in the week and perhaps agree a few days he will do school drop offs or at least getting them ready in the morning before going to bed.

You need to find ways to adjust as a family if changing the shift isn't an option. Meet each other half way.

So he's sleeping 1 hour after he finishes work and gets up 1.5 hour before he starts work. Thats a lot of sleeping, I don't know why but night shift workers seem to want more sleep than day time workers - it wouldn't be possible for someone who finish work at 5 to go to bed at 6pm. What's he doing on his days off, surely not sleeping the same amount and times?