To not expect DH to sleep so long on night shift?

[stairlift]

DH started a night job 3 months ago; working 10pm-6am Sunday to Thursday.
I knew it wouldn't be easy to adjust but he is literally in bed 7am-8.30om and it's driving me mad.

I work full time during day and am literally having to do everything else regarding house, kids etc. it's really oissing me off as he sleeps/works during week and then does very little at weekend. I've said if he can't get into some sort of routine he needs to look at other options as I can't cope with this situation long term

I bet he isn’t keen to change. Even posters here are supporting him needing more rest and getting more sleep than you. It’s a passport to freedom for him. He may be tired but I’m sure you are too. If it doesn’t work for both of you, the. It doesn’t work and it needs to stop… end of.

I used to do night shifts and I found them utterly exhausting.

The sleep quality you get during the day is not deep sleep at all. It’s nothing like normal night time sleep. I would wake every couple of hours feeling totally shattered but desperate to sleep before another night being awake.
Its awful !

I sympathise with your DH.
He’s going against his body clock and not properly sleeping.

Have you ever done a few nights in a row, OP ?

You should give him the benefit of the doubt until he finds something else , if that’s what you’ve both decided.

He’ll be feeling like a zombie. That’s why he’s in bed until 8.30 pm !

Yes thank you for asking calm down.

@Nicknacky he says sleep quality in the day is poor. If you've ever done nights. You'll know that it is.

Calm down? Exactly where was I not calm?

21 years of nightshift here.

My DH was the same
Nearly led to divorce
in the end we had to agree a fixed schedule
He would come home, make the kids lunches and drop them off at nursery. Come home and unload the dishwasher
Then go to bed around 9.30am
We had to change the curtains to blackout blinds
i had to do everything in the evenings and he set an alarm for dinner!
I wasn’t so resentful though as I had help in the mornings. Saturday morning he got up with the kids and got them breakfast and cleared up so I had a lie in
You physically can’t do it all but he does need sleep. Work out a routine that works for you

your get yourself worked up for nothing hush hush.

What on earth are you talking about?

My partner works a shift pattern, every third week is nights for 8 hours 5 days of the week.

He gets in from work about 6.30am and will sit downstairs to relax for about an hour, sometimes less sometimes longer. He’ll be out of bed by 3pm but again will take some time to relax for himself. He then makes dinner as that’s his destressing routine. He’ll have another nap from about 7-9pm then leaves the house at 9.30pm to go to work again. If prefers to schedule is barbers appointments late afternoon when he’s night shift than any other shift pattern. He’s committed to taking the baby out for a walk in the pram once she arrives too.

Night shifts are hard going but you get in to a pattern and can certainly do more than just sleep as others have said. We’ll readjust as necessary once the baby arrives soon but he’s hoping to move to the 4 on 4 off shift pattern by that point as he currently just has 2 days between shift pattern changes.

Just as an HR point, his work should have done a night shift workers assessment to ascertain whether he is physically and mentally able to do night shift. If he’s not had this support, he should ask for it as he doesn’t seem to be coping well.

I work 12 1/2 hours night shifts, I'm lucky if I get 5 hours between shifts.

As a night worker ( 12 hour shifts here ) I think he's taking the piss!

I need a lot of sleep and hated nights but I did 12 hour ones as a nurse in a nursing home and wouldn't sleep that long. And I have sleep apnoea which I wasn't aware of at the time so I was stopping breathing in my sleep god knows how many times an hour.
I think he's taking the piss!

I don't think you can expect any more from him while he works nights. It's a completely horrific working pattern that is linked to a variety of health problems long-term. I would try to come to an agreement with him that he switches to days if you are not happy with how things are.

You quoted me so thought id quote back.

Yes as part of a conversation. None of your ridiculous “hush hush”. If you can’t manage a grown up conversation then maybe this isn’t the website for you.

Of course night shift workers want more sleep. Read all the posts on here from nightshift workers (and non nightshift workers) and you'll see that working nights COMPLETELY fucks up your body clock. Until you've worked nights you can't possibly give an opinion on how you think we should sleep.

When I get in from a nightshift (I work 1800-0600 but regularly finish late) all I want to do is crawl into bed when I get in. It would be unsafe for me to stay up doing stuff that you'd do in the evening following a day shift, it would be unsafe staying up for 2 hours and then driving my child to school.

I agree he does seem to be sleeping for a long time, but staying up after a nightshift like you do in the evening is just not possible for some people and is completely different.

I go to bed as soon as I get in, set my alarm for 2pm then get up and do the school run, spend some time with my child, cook tea and then go to work again. I'd like a bit longer in bed but it's not possible. And that's one of the reasons why nightshift workers have poor health compared to day shift workers. I'd love to sleep in till 4pm but I can't. Try setting your morning alarm for two hours before you need to and you'll get a feeling of what it's like. When I was single and child free I would usually sleep until 4pm.

There you again.

This is what I do also. I sometimes struggle to sleep till 2pm tbh and no way could sleep all day till evening!

I've worked permanent nights since 2000 7pm till 730am with a one hour break, unless too busy as work for NHS.
I sleep from 8:30 till 3pm get up, shower tidy house, make tea and repeat.
When I had my child, he's now 24yrs old it was the same then I could drop him off at the childminder. On the morning I finished nights I just stayed up all day with my child.
I'm very lucky in that I can sleep during day but your husband is sleeping a lot. Nights aren't for everyone.

Ive posted already but feel the need to say I work nightshifts every week. 12 hours overnight. I also have 4 kids and I’m up for them coming in from school. Yes DH does a lot while I’m working nights but I also do a lot. In fact I carry most of the mental load and do probably 60% of the housework.

Some people just aren’t suited to working through the night. If it didn’t work for my family I simply wouldn’t do it. The money is a bonus but it doesn’t outweigh a good quality family life. The people saying it’s totally normal to lie in bed 13 hours between shifts, I can’t believe it. Not one of my many colleagues do this unless they’re pretending in order to get out of childcare/chores.

Hes being ridiculous. My DH does nights and sleeps from 7:30am to 4pm latest, gets up and has his few hours before work with the kids, doing a few bits, whatever. But god no sleeping the entire time he's away from work is not normal. There's loads of fellas on my DHs shift and they all do it the same as him.

He needs to wear a black out sleep mask to get the good sleep during the day. No light is acceptable

OP works full time, he isn't providing ''for her''. He's contributing financially to the family, just like OP is.

Nights are knackering and soul destroying, I go to bed half an hour after I get home and get up with enough time to go back in again. I do Nothing else at all when I'm on nights.