To not expect DH to sleep so long on night shift?

[stairlift]

DH started a night job 3 months ago; working 10pm-6am Sunday to Thursday.
I knew it wouldn't be easy to adjust but he is literally in bed 7am-8.30om and it's driving me mad.

I work full time during day and am literally having to do everything else regarding house, kids etc. it's really oissing me off as he sleeps/works during week and then does very little at weekend. I've said if he can't get into some sort of routine he needs to look at other options as I can't cope with this situation long term

I think it's a bit of a cop out, he's basically opted out of family life because he works nights. Yes nights are hard on the body but unless he finds a routine he has no life and op carries on as though she were alone. I'd not wake him up and make him fend for himself more.

My mother worked shifts when younger. we had to wake her up and get fibber ready fir her etc when she was in nights work in a factory at mo where pridictin work 3 cycle 12 hour shifts.24 7 they get 33 per cent shift premium which is good. however they do tell me especially some of my colleagues who have moved to office work that night shifts are the worst. it takes you so long to get used to them and fucks up everything. there was actually a poor young lad recently only just started who got a disciplinary for falling asleep during night shift. unless you have done them then you can't complain. what you can do is look at weather your family can do without the extra money
also to note my was a roaring cranky bitch when she was on nights even worse when she had broken sleep

But when you've got a home and DC to manage you don't have the option to just sleep/work.

I agree with all the comments about needing more sleep/ rest. He's only done this for 3 months and he's still adjusting. So on that front, I'd go easy on him.
But do speak to him about what and where he could help you out within the time given.

However, for the waiting on hand and foot, STOP. He's an adult and perfectly capable of getting himself up. Once his body is more used to the night shift, its possible that he will change his eating habits. So he'll need to sort himself out then.

I am saying this as the wife of someone who worked 12 hours night shifts for about 15 years. In the end, he didn't even "switch" to determine mode if he was off for a few days.

This will put a strain on your relationship. He'll have times when he's more grouchy than usual and you'll be more resentful than you have ever been!
It will be very important to have some good quality family & couples time!

I can definitely see how that’s extremely annoying for you - but another way of looking at it is that he doesn’t sound mentally well, and I’d also be concerned? It’s not like lying in bed trying and struggling to sleep for 13.5+ hours - work - repeat is a fun lifestyle that he’s likely to be purposefully choosing.

I think you need to have a serious discussion with him on how he sees this working long term. Current situation clearly isn't sustainable.

Night shifts can be hell, and needing more sleep isn't uncommon but that doesn't change the impact on everyone else. He needs to look into swapping to dayshifts if he can't cope with nights, or of he really doesn't want to then he needs to start setting alarms and getting up earlier in the evening so you aren't being left to do everything alone. The resentment will start to get to you otherwise.

Night shifts are awful, I have done them for 10 years now.

Your permanently trying to play catch up, sleeping during the day is awful, you get woke up so much, people don't respect day sleep the same as people sleeping at night, you'd never wake someone middle of the night for no real reason, oh but you would a night shift worker.

Night shifts are lonely, you miss out of lots of socialising, even down to watching TV in the same room as someone else.

Your sluggish, grumpy, your body hates you because your eating when you wouldnt normally.

Then you have to deal with grumpy partners, although I do nights and everything you do too, live on next to no sleep, but I'd rather sleep like your dh.

It's an awful feeling knowing your upsetting people just for getting rest/sleep

I don’t think just because your DH works nights that means you have to do all the child and house work. Why should it all fall to you just because he’s on nights? You also work full time!! I know how hard night shifts are but he needs to get himself into a better routine instead of doing absolutely nothing other than work and sleep. Yeh he might not be able to do his share of housework at the same time as you but why can’t he do something when he gets in and then goes to bed or he gets up earlier and contributes. Doesn’t sound like he sees you or the DC. He needs to do better or this will cause big resentment and problems

Night shifts can be absolutely horrendous - if you've never done them you'll never understand how utterly shit they can make you feel.

13.5 hours does sound like a long time but I guarantee he's not sleeping for all of it.

But saying all that, he can't just spend his life sleeping and working and expect you to do everything else. Either he needs to change jobs or get himself into a better routine.

I agree with PP’s that he must be exhausted but you don’t need to be waiting on him hand and foot. He can set himself an alarm for a start.

Longterm night work may not be the right fit for him, but he needs to make some small changes to try and adjust to it.

Ideally he needs to come home and do stuff that people do when they come home from work in the day. So eat a meal, read, watch TV, shower etc. you don't finish work at 5pm and jump straight into bed. If he is going straight to bed he won't be eating well and looking after his body and well-being. He needs to get into a proper routine like day workers but just switch it round.
However, that would mean he wasn't up during the evenings or after school to be with you and the dc. So in that sense the nights do not work for the family and regardless of how much it pays he needs to accept that.

Tell him the extra money isn’t worth having an extra child in the house. Night shift work may be hell but you don’t get to abdicate responsibility of all of your other duties. I’ve done it and my mother raised 5 kids as a single parent while doing night shifts and funnily enough she managed to get us ready for school, cook, clean and just get on with it.

I should add we live in a quiet area and everyone else is out the house 8am/6pm so he certainly isn't deliberately disturbed.

Night working is so bad for your health and it's common for people to find it exhausting. I think he should find a new job which has fewer or no nightshifts for his sake as much as yours.

I do 12.5hr nightshifts. I come home, eat, do a washing, see my family, then sleep from maybe 9-4 on a good day before getting up and doing what needs done. Hes taking the piss by not contributing to anything!

The extra money he is earning is only worthwhile if the rest of life is enjoyable for your whole family (or you so desperately need the money that you put up with this for a while). You need a conversation ASAP about how long you let this continue and what you need to change - he gets up earlier, goes to bed later, has a period awake during the day - and what he will do to contribute to family life. There is no point in carrying on like this without an endpoint, both of you exhausted and unhappy

Yeah, my DH is the same. When on days he can survive on 5-6 hours, but on weeks of night shifts (where he can be out of the house for 10-12 hours) I barely see him as he sleeps on and off all day and keeps napping at weekends (unless I drag him out of the house). It's just not the same as a good night's sleep.
It is frustrating, but I couldn't work nights so I do sympathetise.
Thankfully our kids are teens so it doesn't really impact me all that much, I just have to remember not to expect him to be any help around the house and try not to resent him napping on the sofa when I want us to be doing things on a weekend!
He's changing jobs to working days but away Monday to Friday so we'll see if I see any more of him this way!

He needs to get into a better routine,. I worked nights for 12 years before I retired.
Electric blanket to warm the bed ( you get really cold and can't get to sleep properly)to enable him to get asleep, ear plugs and blackout blinds to get a better quality of sleep.
He is spending way too long in bed and I doubt its good quality sleep.
He could do some laundry, tidy up etc then go to bed around 9 and get up around 4 to 5.
Our shifts were 7 pm to 7 am
I worked with loads of nurses who only slept after they took the kids to school and woke in time to pick them up.

My dad used to work night shifts and even worse on occasions split shifts and we rarely saw him as he needed more sleep because it screws you up a bit. I worked nights at times during my PhD (3-4 week blocks) and definitely slept for longer during the day than I normally do at night and it wasn't good quality sleep. I certainly couldn't do it for any significant length of time.

I think you have to accept that this is the price of unsocial hours - does he get any kind of premium for working nights? If not might be better for him to try days if that is an option.

As a nurse. Used to finish at 730am and be in bed by8 am . If I stayed up any later I would get over tired and not sleep. Husband would take children to school on his way to work. I would get up about 245 pm and collect from school and then go for another hour nap about 6pm

DH has night shifts in his roster. When he's on nights, he comes home, gets DC ready for school and does the school run before he goes to bed.

Nightshifts are horrendous. I always found sleeping on a nightshift feels like a nap in the car, you are never fully rested. And it's very lonely, I used to feel so ill at the end of nights.

He's doing 5 nightshifts in a row every week, that's pretty rough. When I used to do nights DH did used to do basically everything tbh

My DM worked nightshifts for decades (as do many women) and surprise surprise did not sleep for so long and did all the house work as well as childcare. Sorry but your DH is taking the mick and it's not sustainable.

My eldest son works nightshifts same hours as your husband 5 days week.
Its hard work and exhausting and sleeps about 10 hours.
My youngest starts work at 7am for a 10 hour shift.
But they enjoy it and it brings in a very good pay for them.
Everyones body clock is different and you have a husband that is working an exhausting job to provide for you a job that many people wouldent want.
Working all night has a different affect than working all day.
I may be quoted about but i do think YABU.

I did nights for a while when I was quite young and my DM used to wake me up at 12.30, when I got in at 8! She really didn't think it through. It's tough tho.

He's avoding family life!