To not expect DH to sleep so long on night shift?

[stairlift]

DH started a night job 3 months ago; working 10pm-6am Sunday to Thursday.
I knew it wouldn't be easy to adjust but he is literally in bed 7am-8.30om and it's driving me mad.

I work full time during day and am literally having to do everything else regarding house, kids etc. it's really oissing me off as he sleeps/works during week and then does very little at weekend. I've said if he can't get into some sort of routine he needs to look at other options as I can't cope with this situation long term

Diabetes, obesity, possibly cancer and heart disease. Not worth the money even if he could engage in family life on shifts.

I used to do nights 10pm until 8am plus travel home.

Straight to bed until 2pm then up.
Do normal stuff etc

Then have a booster nap about 7.30pm for 1 hour... off to work at 9.30pm.

He's taking advantage.

Do you even like your husband? You seem to have contempt for him.

Was he lazy before he started doing night shifts? It seems like something else is going on.

Why is he resistant? It doesn't sound like much of a life for him, either. He gets out of housework, but he's missing out on fun things, too. It's not an easy lifestyle for either of you!

Edit: Ah, saw your answer regarding the money. Yeah, the extra money's not worth it. I'd tell him that he can choose to either switch jobs or you're waking him up earlier so he can pull some of the weight around the house. The current arrangement isn't fair.

I’d be resentful and grumpy if I had to do all the house/family stuff INCLUDING waking my husband up so he could get to work on time!! I mean, honestly. All those people saying how fucked his sleep pattern is, how exhausted he must be etc etc aren’t thinking of the fact that he’s got a family that’s also his responsibility.

When he's on nights he never, ever drives between shifts because he can't. Of course not. It was just another example of everything falling to me due to night shifts.

I did nights for years, and unless you've done it you don't know the effect it has on your body and mind.
It's not just staying awake but being alert and sometimes physically working at a time your body is designed to be sleeping, and then trying to sleep when all the stimuli around you is saying awake! You don't get the same quality of sleep at all and need more to compensate.
That said though, I was a single parent and I somehow managed, because you have to, with pick up from nursery/school in the afternoon, evening routine and then drop off at my mum's and she would drop at nursery/school the next day and me going to work. Maybe one day my mum would collect as well as she was off work and yes, those days I'd usually sleep right through until I had to get up because I was catching up from all the poor/broken sleep.

But everything was half done really because I just didn't have the energy to do it all fully, I was groggy and grumpy and felt like I had a hangover.

I don't think he can just step out of life this way though, not with responsibility, but I also wouldn't expect too much if he does get up/involved because it's just not the same as working days. I don't think you are unreasonable for not wanting to do everything yourself at all, and expecting him to get up and involved, but I wouldn't expect the same level of input as if he were working an 8 hour day shift either.

Wow. I did nights for over 20 years on a changing shift pattern. Four nights per fortnight. Set my alarm for 8 hrs then got up and got on with it. It’s knackering but he’s doing permanent nights so should be able to cope better. All the women I worked with did similar.
The hardest thing was adjusting back to days and then back to nights.
No pay premium is worth his life and his marriage.

Oh I see, it sounded like he was driving to work but I get it now. What a terrible situation, it sounds very hard.

My partner does regular lots of night shifts. His are 8pm - 8am. He usually sleeps 10:30 - 5:30. He goes up a little earlier than this and has a snooze alarm. He isn’t great at sleeping in the day and has to use an eye mask and not have me coming in the room for him to get any chance of sleep! He still cooks dinner on his days and will usually run an errand or do a piece of housework when he gets in (eg today he did the washing up and tided a bit, tomorrow he’s posting some parcels for me).

Night shifts are definitely harder than day shifts! But if you can’t handle them, you shouldn’t be doing them.

if he was working 10am - 6pm, he wouldn't go to bed at 7pm and get up at 8.30am, he would be going to bed closer to midnight and up about 7.30.

In that vein he is taking the mick and needs to be pulled. Absolutely unreasonable behaviour to expect a silent household for 13 hours a day. Absolutely unreasonable behaviour to not contribute to any household or family activities because he works 8 hours a day (who doesn't...), definitely unreasonable to expect to be able to undisturbed down time for 13.5 hours a day with a family.

So this morning he got in at 6.30, came straight to bed and is still there now!!

I know you're trying to help, but listing diseases that night shift workers might suffer is not nice reading for those who have no choice (except unemployment) regarding working nightshifts

Yeah, that's bollocks on his part. When I worked nights I usually slept from getting home until 12-1, get up for lunch, potter, go for a walk or whatever then nap between 7-8 and back out the door. However I was single and could do as I pleased!

He does not need 11.5hrs sleep when he's not at work I assume, so he's being a prick and opting out of your family life.

This is a choice and he's telling you he thinks he is more important.

I think you have to accept that working nights means you'll carry all the house and child work. Shifts are a killer and daytime sleeping isn't like sleeping at night. He probably is napping for a few hours and then getting proper sleep in batches, which results in him being in bed for 13 hours.

But if it's not sustainable from your pov, then he needs to look at other options for employment.

It’s not healthy for him to be like this and it’s not sustainable for family life. You’ll end up divorced if this carries on.
i have worked nights - they are hideous so he has some sympathy, but if he’s sleeping that long he isn’t eating enough or drinking and that makes fatigue worse. Combine that with no daylight exposure and no exercise and no wonder he is so fatigued.

Id be giving him an ultimatum to either change routine, change jobs or face the consequences.

She doesn’t need to accept it at all. I do nightshifts. I’m up for 2.30 to go pick my daughter up from school and then get on with the day and even make the gym/run club. It’s tough, but you can’t just opt out of life.

I don’t know anyone who does nightshift that does this.

Nightshifts and sleep are difficult.

But he needs to make it work better, either sleep later and help out in the morning or wake up earlier and help out in the evening.

Or he needs to find a day job.

Staying in bed for 13.5 hours while you struggle to manage things is selfish.

I do understand he'll contribute less but the waiting on him hand and foot is a piss take. Even if he's bed longer there needs to be some sort of
Routine. He doesn't even set an alarm

My dad worked shifts including nights for the whole of his working life. He used to go to bed when he came in but then get up around 12, do normal housework/childcare stuff until around 6 and then go back to bed for a few hours before going in for the night shift to start at 10. I don’t think his pattern was unusual amongst his workmates. Could you suggest something like that, so that maybe the hours of sleep he does get would be better quality?

I used to feel so sick on night shifts
The best way for me was to treat it like a day shift
So get in, make some food, shower, watch some TV, as if it was my "evening"
Then sleep and get up as if it's the morning
Would usually sleep (worked 7-7) about 9.30/10am - 5pm which isn't too bad if you reverse it to as if it was 10pm - 5am

Oh and he needs to be taking a decent dose of vitamin D as a night worker and with it being winter too
Being deficient in that won't help

I think he needs to at least TRY doing either breakfast with the kids when he gets in, or waking up at 3/4 ish and doing the school pickups or after school stuff and dinner before he starts. Or if this is out of the question doing an hour or so of tidying and washing before he goes to work and doing something like batch cooking at the weekend/ his days off.

If his daytime sleep quality is bad, has he tried ear plugs and an eye mask? If he spent a bit of time outside the room (maybe a walk or something) he might sleep better.

Is his phone in the room with him? I’d be thinking that he spends about 7 hours sleeping and the rest of the time doing stuff on his phone. That won’t help with his sleep either.

If he’s tried improving his sleep quality and helping out a bit more and is just too knackered, I think the only options are paying for a bit of help or him looking for a new job. But I’d try the other stuff first.

My 22 yr old did 9pm-7am in a supermarket for 2 weeks over Xmas and he was absolutely floored by it! He’d be asleep by 7.30am and do a solid 12 hours sleep then get up and go back to work again stil feeling completely out of whack, I believe night shifts can take several months to get used to

I think the 2 days where he comes off nights and has to try and live like a normal human being again, and then go back to 5 nights must be difficult.

You just adjust, then nope, right back into it.

I did a few weeks of nights nearly 20 years ago. Never again.

Do you stay up when you get home? Go to bed at lunchtime? Go to bed when you get home and get up late afternoon??

It's just...... difficult.