'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?

[ohwow23]

I've NC. Long time member here. I'm currently going through my 4th miscarriage in the space of 14 months. Heartbreaking and sad. We are waiting on a referral from the hospital for more tests (we've had basic blood work and came back clear) we decided to keep on trying whilst we wait for our referral, each loss is heartbreaking but ultimately we want to keep on going, this is our choice a couple. I tried to explain this to this friend last night, and she didn't understand (she had her baby with no issues) and I get that not everyone will understand why people who struggle to conceive will keep putting themselves through the pain, but I know people like me who struggle who full understand the need and desperation for a baby even it means losses along the way. So I had my scan today which confirmed our 4th loss, and she messaged me this today. I've attached screenshots of the message so you understand. I really do understand her being concerned for me and Dh wellbeing, but I really think the 'poor defenceless babies' comment was completely uncalled for.

AIBU to be upset by this comment? I've also attached my quite calm response.

That is a hideous and hurtful response to your feelings. Is she reacting with a religious/ right-wing perspective (influence from pro-life lobby)? Such a thoughtless and clumsy way to speak to you. You sound amazing and resilient so don't let her get you down x

What a cow. Take no notice. I had several miscarriages in a row and kept trying until I was successful. I was given the advice by my obstetrician to wait for three menstrual periods before trying again as sometimes the body ‘remembers’ rejecting a foetus. I was also given baby aspirin for the first 20 weeks which helps retain the pregnancy.

Jesus Christ how ignorant. You do realise that most of the time you can’t find out “what’s wrong” let alone “get it fixed”. Drs will just tell you it’s chance (even after many mcs) and tell you to try again. You are as naive, hurtful and frankly stupid as the OPs ‘friend’.
What an ignorant comment.
OP your ‘friend’ is just dreadful; an utter, utter bitch and completely thick. Do not blame yourself or your body. I hope that you are able to move on from this, I know the pain of mc all too well and it’s the kind of despair I would not wish on my worst enemy. 💐

What a horrible, stupid and ignorant comment.

I am a man and am sticking my head above the parapet by commenting on this thread at all, but if we want to bring the children into the conversation at all, you and your DH are doing everything you can to give them a chance in life. The fact that bad luck and whatever else is in play means that hasn't been possible is horrible, but the "poor defenceless babies" line is cruel and unnecessary.

If you were a drinker, smoker, drug taker or knowingly did anything else that would harm a healthy pregnancy things might be different, but you sound like a lovely mum-to-be and good for you both for being brave enough to at least give those loved babies a chance.

So sorry for your losses and I hope you have your longed for baby.

As for your friend. So-called friend. Wow. What an utter horror. Don't even engage. She's (?) is vile.

Bizarre thing to say. How old is she? She sounds really immature and cruel.
I'm so sorry she said these things to you OP. After experiencing losses myself I completely understand the 'numb to it' feeling, which is so heartbreakingly sad but it is the reality. You don't need 'friends' like her in your life.

She is not a friend. She is downright nasty. After your update, I’d speculate it is because she resents having asked you for help previously.

I have been in your shoes, OP. I understand the pain and I completely understand feeling numb to it after a while.

I had multiple miscarriages with no identifiable cause, IVF didn’t work, we gave up and my miracle baby (currently snoozing next to me) was a spontaneous pregnancy a year later.

Sending you a hug.

Your friend is being awful. I’m a recurrent miscarriage sufferer, and had support through Tommy’s I don’t know if you’ve looked at them? They have support on the emotional side of things but also if you ask your GP for a referral they can usually do more tests than local hospitals on nhs. So sorry for your losses

https://www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/miscarriage/your-care-after-3-miscarriages

omg . If this is your friend you definitely need a new one .

Absolute geebag. Ditch her!

That is a new level of stupid.

Good luck with your journey (without her) now

Holy moly, OP, I am dumfounded by this "friend's" response. I am so sorry for your loss. I do genuinely think it's time to block and never talk again. If you have mutual friends then it's harder but worth doing after she delivered such an awful comment.

FWIW I've found that anyone who claims to be "saying it as it is" and "brutally honest" or words to that effect, turn out to be someone who is really unkind, mean and has lots of problems holding onto relationships and friendships. They are never honest about anything positive or nice, and can't take what they dish out.
This is totally true, and fits my now ex-friend down to a T (especially the bit about friendships and relationships!)

Or she's just a twat who has never gone through what the OP has.

Actually I've never gone through it either, in fact I don't even have kids, but even I can see how insensitive and cruel this so called friend is being.

for you OP

Oh no.

I’m so sorry for your losses x

what an awful thing of her to say, and add to your pain like that.

much love x

Sorry for your losses.
Your “friend” is a cunt.

This is my thoughts too. I wouldn’t know how to react to a comment like the OP made with a laughing emoji, it seems a bit strange as it’s not something to laugh about.

Riseandshinee · Today 19:25
I see her point. You know you can’t have a baby without miscarrying, as you have repeatedly done, until you find out what’s wrong and get it fixed

As someone who had 3 miscarriages in a row there was no fucking reason I was miscarrying so there was fuck all that could be fixed 😡

So very sorry for your losses. So sorry that this woman has been so awful to you. Definitely time to part ways. As a recurrent miscarriage sufferer who went on to have a baby, I wish you all the very best of luck. Be kind to yourself xxx

JFC. This person is not your friend!!! Bin them. I’m so sorry for your losses.

What an awful thing to say.

Her messages are full of bitterness and spite.

Block her.

Enjoy your drink x

Okay I've reread the exchange a number of times and I think she's very awkwardly judging you by suggesting that you keep trying to get pregnant while awaiting further tests/ results, knowing that the pregnancies won't be viable. But I also think she's trying to awkwardly say that she's worried about you and the unnecessary stress you're going through and to instead sit tight and wait for the results.

But it isn't that clear cut with TTC, is it? And tests take YEARS to get through. Ultimately, it's your and your partner's decision on whether to proceed with TTC (unless you're specifically told not to by your specialists). She's judging your life choices, but with no idea on TTC with fertility challenges journey.

Now with this new information about her, why would you want to continue a relationship with someone who sucks the joy out of your life? Not only is she using you as a cash point and pharmacy, but she's disregarding your counsel and returned to a life with a horrible partner (and probably causing you stress worrying about her). The number 1 thing my fertility Dr's said to me was Remove Stress.

Leaving a friendship is really really hard. But it sounds like this one has run its course

Am so sorry for your losses.

I had 5 consecutive miscarriages before I fell pregnant with my son (had a 2yo already, but it took 3 years of trying to conceive her). I didn’t reach the numb stage - in fact was so distraught that I decided the month I fell with my son that I was giving up. We all grieve in different ways and there is no right or wrong way to feel, but a good friend would listen without judgement.

The issue with (recurrent) miscarriage (I think this is still the case) is that it is not regarded by the NHS as a ‘proper’ bereavement so there is absolutely no support or counselling available. It took me years to get over it: even with my new baby the grief would come up and thwack me over the head when I least expected it.

So my thoughts are that, perhaps, you are not really ‘numb’ but trying hard to keep going. I would really suggest reaching out to the Miscarriage Association to see if they can put you in touch with a counsellor. And absolutely do not ever talk to your abominable friend about this - if, indeed, you can bear to maintain contact after her insensitivity. Sending a hug.

I'm so very sorry for your losses.

Your so called friend is a lunatic.

The best I can say about her is that she is totally insensitive. and you clearly do not need anyone that insensitive in your life right now. Your miscarriages are desperately sad, but they are not "defenceless babies", why a "friend" would put what you are going through like that is beyond me. Cruel and nasty. Wishing you well.