'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?

[ohwow23]

I've NC. Long time member here. I'm currently going through my 4th miscarriage in the space of 14 months. Heartbreaking and sad. We are waiting on a referral from the hospital for more tests (we've had basic blood work and came back clear) we decided to keep on trying whilst we wait for our referral, each loss is heartbreaking but ultimately we want to keep on going, this is our choice a couple. I tried to explain this to this friend last night, and she didn't understand (she had her baby with no issues) and I get that not everyone will understand why people who struggle to conceive will keep putting themselves through the pain, but I know people like me who struggle who full understand the need and desperation for a baby even it means losses along the way. So I had my scan today which confirmed our 4th loss, and she messaged me this today. I've attached screenshots of the message so you understand. I really do understand her being concerned for me and Dh wellbeing, but I really think the 'poor defenceless babies' comment was completely uncalled for.

AIBU to be upset by this comment? I've also attached my quite calm response.

Horrible nasty human being. Block and forget. You don't need someone like that in your life.

Sorry for your losses, op. I hope your rainbow comes along soon.

Haven't RFT - your friend is an arsehole.

Block her from your life. Make sure the judgemental cow knows why she is being blocked too.

Also about the laughing emoji. I mean obviously it's not funny. But I'm so completely numb to the whole thing that I didn't know what to put. She definitely wasn't 'unsure' on how to react to the 'laughing emoji' as some have suggested.

Oh love. When I was going through this, I used to find stories of other peoples success having a baby really comforting, so I’m going to tell you mine but if you’re someone who finds miscarriage success stories upsetting, stop reading now. Also your friend is a thundering bellend.

We were trying for 10 years. I could always get pregnant but I could never stay pregnant. Over 10 years I had 15 miscarriages, 12 before 8 weeks, one missed miscarriage we found out about at the 12 week scan, 1 that made it to 13 weeks and one that made it to 16 weeks. I am overweight, so we weren’t allowed investigations beyond the basic blood tests and apart from my PCOS, nothing was wrong. We gave up and that was that.

In the height of the pandemic, I fell pregnant by chance for a 16th time. There wasn’t a lot on telly at the time and we were both working from home so on reflection it was inevitable really. It was during the time when we were in that first lock down and I had basically gone a little bit mad I think. I decided not to tell anyone i was
Pregnant because I didn’t want the hassle of admitting another miscarriage so I told my husband and no one else, not even my GP. We got to the 20 week mark and nothing had happened, I hadn’t felt anything moving or anything so I decided to go to the doctors because I was worried it was another missed miscarriage and it was going to start making me poorly if I didn’t pass it soon. On the way to the doctors I felt him kick for the first time and I just knew he was still growing.

Anyway, lots of tests and scans later and they confirmed we had a perfectly healthy baby boy in there, but my cervix was a problem so I had a stitch put in. My placenta was at the front which is why I’d not felt him moving, and due to my weight I hadn’t been showing. A weak cervix is very likely why our other pregnancies failed, and the fact I hadn’t been moving much due to the pandemic could well be why this pregnancy made it in my case. We’ll never really know what made him stick.

We still didn’t tell anyone until I was 26 weeks and he was viable, and I never told most of my work colleagues - my boss sent an email the day I left for maternity leave letting everyone know. It was perfect as pregnancy after losses is a total head fuck and I couldn’t deal with people asking questions or talking about it as it made me feel like I was jinxing it every time anyone referenced that I was pregnant.

He’s 3 next week, and I don’t regret a single one of my miscarriages because they went before and brought me to him.

My point is you will know when it’s time to stop trying and you answer to no one but yourselves on this. Your babies did indeed die, but that’s because you gave them a chance to live in the first place.

I am sending you all the luck in the world on your onwards journey.

Wow this is the worst thing I’ve ever seen on here. I’m sorry, and very sorry for your losses ❤️

Just Wow! I couldn't come back from that. That's a friendship killer.

Sorry for your losses 💐

I get why you used it. It's an omfg this is so awful I just can't feel anymore/hysteria. I used them in several messages to my partner this weekend to describe the state of our wards.

I completely understand the numbness, I had it too and it is completely normal. The blessed uninitiated won’t ever understand that miscarriage isn’t like on soap operas and we don’t all fall to our knees and weep for weeks. Sometimes you just carry on and box yourself off from it because you have to.

My first week back at work after having had a still born, I got asked if I was going to give up now and accept that I was barren.
She also said she was being a good friend. The type of person who says she "says it like it is"
No, you are just a nasty piece of work who says unnecessarily cruel things.
We are no longer friends.
You shouldn't be friends with this person either.

This.

and im not one for calling other women the c word, but I’d have to make an exception in this case. What a nasty piece of work your friend is.

I’m also not one for blocking people or cutting them out, but this is an unforgivable offence. You don’t need someone so ignorant and cruel in your life.

I’m so so sorry for your losses OP ❤️

I'm so sorry to all of you that have comment who have experienced loss of all kinds yourselves, you are all so strong and I'm so glad I have people who understand me ❤️

This person is not a friend, both in what she's (inaccurately) said about defenceless babies and her clear lack of understanding about your emotions and sensitivities. Equally your updates about codeine etc makes it sound a lot like shes not just thoughtless but actually harmful and a user.

I'm very sorry for your loss and I do hope you and your DH get your rainbow baby. In that vein, and very much acknowledging you didn't come here for advice on miscarriages, I wonder if it's worth getting some medical advice on what to do whilst awaiting your tests? For example I think the WHO recommends waiting six months after a miscarriage to give yourself the best chance of a healthy pregnancy, though obviously your circumstances e.g. age will affect what's best for you. Whatever you choose to do I'm crossing my fingers for a post from you on the pregnancy board about your lovely new baby.

Bitch tbh. It's wouldn't be friends with her anymore. With friends like that who needs enemies.

@elfintinsel that is horrifying, how did you respond? I'm so sorry, what a monstrous thing to say.

I actually gasped when i read this. Your poor thing OP I'm so sorry for you right now. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this shit from a so called friend. I'm glad this thread gave you some small comfort.

@Metabolicallycomplicated that's a very sad story, so glad you had your happy ending.

What a beautiful story and congratulations xx

Even if she had a point (she absolutely doesn’t) and it needed to be heard (it definitely doesn’t) couldn’t she just have waited till it wasn’t the actual day you are miscarrying. Maybe she could sensitively tell you her opinion rather than text you a load of vile nonsense.
Im sorry that you’ve had to find out what a shit friend she is at a time where you could really do with a good one.
Please try not to let her get in your head, this couldn’t be further from your fault. Make sure she’s blocked and can’t upset you any more.

Wow. She's a cow and not a very educated one either. I'd expect a bit more biology knowledge from someone who has a kid already. Poor defenceless babies - what a crock of shit.

This is terrible and she is no friend. What an awful person to say that to anybody. You should send her this thread to show her how stupid she is.
I hate when people act as though ‘telling it like it is’ excuses being an awful person. I’d block and never speak to her again. After sending this thread anyway!!

Im so sorry for your losses.

Have you considered fertility counselling? I had a long fertility journey (7 years) and I found it helpful. It was good to talk to someone without fear of judgement or them being impacted negatively by me sharing my feelings.

I also have bereavement counselling following my miscarriages which might be worth considering.

During my fertility journey I had a liferimes worth of dickhead comments. Some people are thoughtless, some clueless and others are just wankers.

I've seen @Riseandshinee saying pretty awful things on various threads. Clearly has their own issues. I suggest people ignore this person. Not worth thinking about.

Oh, OP. I'm sorry. Before I had my one-and-only DC, I was in the same position you're in now. It's soul-destroying. And somehow, far from getting used to it as the 'expected' outcome of any pregnancy, every loss seemed to become more and more painful. I wasn't getting pregnant so started on Clomid, because they discovered I don't ovulate. Then I lost two babies, and went on to lose another after IVF. My fifth pregnancy (it was twins, one of which I lost) resulted in the birth of our only DC. When I lost the next one, in an attempt to conceive a sibling for DC, DH and I finally decided it was the end of the road for us. We just didn't want to keep putting ourselves through it anymore.

After three losses this is classed as recurrent miscarriage and the professionals can begin to investigate. Depending on whether these are chemical pregnancies (ie very early stage) or occurring some weeks in, there might be a different (if any) underlying cause. We never managed to pinpoint what ours was. There might have been something going wrong with the knitting of the sperm and egg at conception: were that the case, then nothing could have stopped the outcome of those pregnancies. If this is the case for you, you might want to recommend to your DH to take 'Wellman' conception tablets (available over the counter). We'll never know if it was something as simple as this which finally resulted in the birth of our long-awaited child.

Your friend is ignorant, insensitive, and cruel. Of course the loss of your much-wanted babies is not your fault.; it shows a serious want of understanding that anyone could even suggest this. In future, please don't give this woman the privilege of your private confidence.

I know how painful your situation is. Sometimes I still wonder what my babies would have been like, although I do see it more in the light of our now 9-YO having been meant to be with us. I hope eventually you are able to have the child you and your DH so long for. Sending many blessings your way ❤

Just to say you're very brave to keep trying while waiting for your referral. You're taking every chance you can - you're not letting the fear of more grief stop you, which I'm not sure most of us could do.

I hope you're not in too much pain. Your former friend - what they said is friendship-ending, There are lovely people in the world who would support you all the way, and you can find them.

All the very best of luck recovering and in having a healthy pregnancy soon.

Even if that was true, by that time these particular sperm and eggs would be used up and unfertilised so would never have a life. There are millions of sperm and lots of eggs that are never used in conception- the potential of a life is there but not used. They aren't babies, even a few weeks after conception. OP is giving them a chance of a life and it just might be that one will take and last. My friend had 8 miscarriages, no reason found medically, gave up at 40 and at 42 had a healthy pregnancy.

It was an unhelpful, ill-thought through comment and hurtful.

I feel extremely angry for you. And having had four miscarriage myself in a couple of years or something, where nothing was found to be the matter, what an idiot.