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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?

423 replies

ohwow23 · 11/01/2024 19:15

I've NC. Long time member here. I'm currently going through my 4th miscarriage in the space of 14 months. Heartbreaking and sad. We are waiting on a referral from the hospital for more tests (we've had basic blood work and came back clear) we decided to keep on trying whilst we wait for our referral, each loss is heartbreaking but ultimately we want to keep on going, this is our choice a couple. I tried to explain this to this friend last night, and she didn't understand (she had her baby with no issues) and I get that not everyone will understand why people who struggle to conceive will keep putting themselves through the pain, but I know people like me who struggle who full understand the need and desperation for a baby even it means losses along the way. So I had my scan today which confirmed our 4th loss, and she messaged me this today. I've attached screenshots of the message so you understand. I really do understand her being concerned for me and Dh wellbeing, but I really think the 'poor defenceless babies' comment was completely uncalled for.

AIBU to be upset by this comment? I've also attached my quite calm response.

'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?
'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?
'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?
OP posts:
YireosDodeAver · 11/01/2024 20:20

Yanbu and she is not your friend
So very sorry for your many losses.
Each never-born-baby was loved and will be grieved but will not have suffered. The harm is to you and your DH and if you choose to bear it then that is entirely your choice and no one elses business.

Pancakeorcrepe · 11/01/2024 20:21

There are several hormonal conditions that make a pregnancy possible but not viable, for example thyroid issues. Therefore I can see her point, she has seen you hurt time after time. If she knows you are having conversations with doctors and getting tests done, I can see her point of view. A few weeks wait with the results of the tests could save you the heartbreak of losing another one. No, of course it is not a given. But after four miscarriages, it is something to consider. Obviously I don’t agree with the wording defenceless babies but it is about giving you a fighting chance. Lots of people saying that fertility doesn’t work like that, well it does in some cases, and for the sake of a few weeks it could save further heartbreak.

Hiddenvoice · 11/01/2024 20:21

I am so sorry for your losses and fully understand your numb to it comment.
What she said was horrible and you’re a much better person than me for your very calm replies.
Cut her out your life and don’t look back, she isn’t a friend!

Nomorelittlebabybum · 11/01/2024 20:22

Oh my goodness! No words.

this woman has lost the plot. I’m so sorry for your loss and the fact you have had to hear this utter crap from a so called friend. You deserve better. Block and never contact her again!

Inastatus · 11/01/2024 20:22

I think people who haven’t been through it really have a clue or know what to say. I’ve been where you are OP and experienced some really insensitive shit too. One ‘friend’ who was heavily pregnant and knew I had just miscarried (again) decided to compare how skinny my stomach was compared to her large bump in the middle of our busy office. Never ever have I forgiven her.
I went to The Miscarriage Clinic at St Mary’s, Paddington where I was finallly diagnosed and treated and I managed to have my 2 beautiful DC. I wish you all the best in your fertility journey.

Yoyoban · 11/01/2024 20:23

Saschka · 11/01/2024 19:16

She’s a cow and I’d be blocking her tbh.

The first poster got it bang on.

lostonmars · 11/01/2024 20:23

This reply has been deleted

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What complete nonsense. Many women go on to have successful pregnancies after miscarriages.

Lollipop49 · 11/01/2024 20:23

Your response was perfect.

I hope you and your husband have space to do whatever you need to this weekend. Scream, cry, get drunk, laugh, whatever it is. You sound like a strong couple who don't need her bullshit. You will become parents one way or another and the child(ren) are lucky to have you xxx

7sacharm · 11/01/2024 20:24

YireosDodeAver · 11/01/2024 20:20

Yanbu and she is not your friend
So very sorry for your many losses.
Each never-born-baby was loved and will be grieved but will not have suffered. The harm is to you and your DH and if you choose to bear it then that is entirely your choice and no one elses business.

Never-born-baby. Loved and grieved.

That's exactly how I felt. Thank you.

lostonmars · 11/01/2024 20:24

What a nasty human being she is. Sorry for your losses OP, and I wish you and your husband so much luck in conceiving. Flowers

Wednesdaysotherchild · 11/01/2024 20:24

Block and move on (10+ early losses here). She’s both cruel and an idiot! You deserve better x

momager1 · 11/01/2024 20:24

No words. I am so very sorry for all your loses.. the best loss you could have..is this so called friend. She is NOT your friend

Silverbirchtwo · 11/01/2024 20:25

Totally doesn't understand what you are going through. It is your potential babies really embryos probably that you are losing (big hug been there), she needs educating, does she have children of her own?

IBegYourBiggestPardon · 11/01/2024 20:26

This reply has been deleted

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I know 2 women who both had recurrent miscarriages. Both went on to have healthy pregnancies.

Fingeronthebutton · 11/01/2024 20:26

I’m so dreadfully sorry for your loss.
Don’t give up hope, it will happen.

Snowdogsmitten · 11/01/2024 20:27

She’s a total fucking cunt. Make sure everyone knows.

Fionaville · 11/01/2024 20:27

Wow. You're 'friend' is a nasty piece of work. I don't know what she thinks pregnancy loss is, but she is being willfully ignorant about it and just plain nasty!
Sorry for your loss. I hope you get your much wanted baby soon 💐

Couldyounot · 11/01/2024 20:28

Fucking hell. With friends like that.....

ohwow23 · 11/01/2024 20:28

Chin chin 🍹

'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?
OP posts:
TheFireflies · 11/01/2024 20:29

I actually physically recoiled when I read those messages.

She's a fucking awful human being, I think there must be something a bit wrong with her. Certainly not a friend.

I'm sorry for your losses, OP.

Lwrenagain · 11/01/2024 20:29

I'm so sorry my pal, what a deeply horrific time you're having. I'm sending love and support ❤ 💐

Your friend is deeply moronic and cruel to boot.
I'm unable to even imagine what the hell is wrong with anyone to say that, it's fucking bat shit.

I'm so so sorry x

Snowdogsmitten · 11/01/2024 20:30

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Are you the nasty, thick-as-shit ‘friend’?

Zanatdy · 11/01/2024 20:31

Wow. She’s completely unreasonable and I hate to sound harsh too but I don’t get her comment about poor defenceless babies. At early miscarriage they are little more than a bunch of cells in medical terms and don’t feel anything so for her to attach some weird notion they are suffering is downright cruel, and complete rubbish. Honestly who says this kind of thing to their friend who is going through a miscarriage. That would be the end of the friendship for me

Southlondoner88 · 11/01/2024 20:31

Wow this is now the most shocking thing I’ve read on mumsnet. Just wow.

im so so sorry for your losses OP, please get rid of this dimwit as a friend.

PurpleBugz · 11/01/2024 20:32

I'm sorry for your losses.

They are not poor defenceless babies they are embryos. Till they are born the mother is more important and you wish to have a child that's completely reasonable.

Is she against the coil? Cuz that stops fertilised eggs implanting. It's like she's saying you are killing them or something just a disgusting thing to say.

I'm so sorry you had to read her messages.