'Poor defenceless babies' miscarriages?

[ohwow23]

I've NC. Long time member here. I'm currently going through my 4th miscarriage in the space of 14 months. Heartbreaking and sad. We are waiting on a referral from the hospital for more tests (we've had basic blood work and came back clear) we decided to keep on trying whilst we wait for our referral, each loss is heartbreaking but ultimately we want to keep on going, this is our choice a couple. I tried to explain this to this friend last night, and she didn't understand (she had her baby with no issues) and I get that not everyone will understand why people who struggle to conceive will keep putting themselves through the pain, but I know people like me who struggle who full understand the need and desperation for a baby even it means losses along the way. So I had my scan today which confirmed our 4th loss, and she messaged me this today. I've attached screenshots of the message so you understand. I really do understand her being concerned for me and Dh wellbeing, but I really think the 'poor defenceless babies' comment was completely uncalled for.

AIBU to be upset by this comment? I've also attached my quite calm response.

She sounds utterly vile. I think you should block and cut her out of your life.

FWIW I've found that anyone who claims to be "saying it as it is" and "brutally honest" or words to that effect, turn out to be someone who is really unkind, mean and has lots of problems holding onto relationships and friendships. They are never honest about anything positive or nice, and can't take what they dish out.

I'm so sorry for your losses.

You poor thing. Please never ever ever speak to that stupid bitch again

Class A bitch right there. How dare she?!

I’m sorry for your losses. What a hideous thing to say. I can relate to this. Had so many horribly insensitive comments from my MIL while I experienced recurrent miscarriages. I can also totally relate to that numb feeling. It’s most likely your brain and bodies way of protecting itself from the gut wrenching pain and grief. It’s a common response to a bereavement and you’ve had 4 in the space of 14 months. I think you’re very brave to standing up for yourself. You have every right to decide on whether to continue to TTC. Your body, your choice. It’s a pain and a grief I don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced it can really understand. I’m so sorry xx

She not only lacks any sensitivity but any sense, too!
I’ve been where you are OP and know the heartbreak and the fierce determination to do whatever it takes to succeed and I’m sending my best wishes for the success I ultimately had.
Its a natural human desire and anyone who cares for you both will be supportive

Just awful, I'm so sorry OP. As if you're not going/been through enough already.
I have a history of a recurrent MC and I'm lucky enough to now have my children but even so I can't ever imagine having my children without issue and being so insensitive towards a friend who was utterly heartbroken through miscarriage.

You're not overacting at all, sending lots of love

She's no friend OP. Sending you lots of hugs and hope for the future

Cut that one off. You don’t need that with what you are going through.

Ehhh, they aren’t babies, they are balls of cells ffs.

I agree that it was a very insensitive thing to say but I don’t think a friend would intentionally say anything to be so nasty.

Some people would say ‘it’s meant to be’ or ‘it’s only just cells and not a real baby’ etc to try and make the person feel better but she’s saying that this isn’t ok and that it needs to be sorted out for OPs sake.

She shouldn’t have said it and should have just said she’s sorry and nothing else but OP has obviously been talking to her about the fertility tests she’s been having and so this friend felt she could be upset/angry on her behalf.

Shocking. Block her.

She’s a bitch and should be blocked. Fine if she expressed concern for you but the ‘poor defenceless babies?!’ She is utterly batshit.

So sorry for your losses. I get the trying again thing, you never know something may make the next one take hold. I have some insight as I had 2 miscarriages and the third pregnancy progressed.

I did find the 😂in your initial message threw me off a bit. I know you’re trying to power through but are you ok? Please try and seek grief counselling if you can. ❤️

We had tests after my 4th and were told it was simply nature and bad luck.

We carried on until our seventh was the charm and my DD finally arrived.

It still hurts deeply to remember my MIL barging into our house and calling me a selfish cow for lying in bed and not getting straight to the hospital to "save my son's baby" (she had a key until I made a fuss with DH and had the locks changed after that).

I had just gotten home from EPU where I'd been told the pregnancy had simply ended spontaneously and the "products" would pass naturally. Devastating words without MIL's horrid input. But it was the prod that got us tested.

They were my babies in my heart but I know that at that stage they're not. Her comment was very hurtful and uncalled for, OP. I hope you and your DH are okay.

Bloody hell with friends like that who needs enemies! I would go NC with her.

Most miscarriages are due to embryo being unviable.

So sorry for your losses, OP. 💐

She was definitely out of line.

On another note, have you ever looked into Vitex? I put it down to maintaining my two successful pregnancies.

She’s either a total idiot or just very unpleasant.

Please remove her from your life pronto. Big life moments have a habit of revealing proper friends. She is not a friend of any kind. A fast fade can be less bother than a block.

Good luck with it all.

She's disgusting! Only people who have had losses can truly understand what you're going through.

Cut her off forever! The nerve she had to just judge you when you're feeling at your worse.

Wtf?!! She is a complete bitch! As someone who has suffered multiple miscarriages myself I know how horrible they are and then to have someone who is supposed to be a friend sat this to you is evil like you said! I think I'd never speak to her again. Also I was advised to start taking an aspirin a day through pregnancy and not sure if it was that or not that worked but I've had 3 more babies since then. I hope you get yours soon

Wow. This person is evil and not your friend. Blaming you for your miscarriages, adding to your grief. Your response was perfect OP.

Just wanted to add on this friend.

We've been friends for years, about 10, drifted over the years on and off, got closer again around 2 years ago. Stopped bothering with her mainly cos she kept asking me for codeine (she had an addition which she says is under control now) we drifted then got close again, about a year ago, when we got close again she kept messaging and asking me for money, I lent her it a few times then asked her to stop asking me as I was struggling myself. A few months ago she messaged and said she'd let her partner, and she was in a hotel, I told her she could come and live with me and Dh whilst she sorted herself out, she ended up getting back with her horrible partner and I just said your decision but don't tell me anything about him again. Her daughter does not currently live with her full time, as she had had her struggles (never judged her for this). She is rather educated on MC, due to me, she knows what's going on and stuff like that, so she's not completely clueless. But is acting it

I'd never talk to her again.

It took my mother 9 years to have me (her eldest). I know my mum had at least 2 miscarriages. My parents were looking into adoption when she got pregnant with me. It wasn’t until she was 8 months old she actually belived she was going to have a baby. Im so glad my parents kept trying. My brother was born 2 years afterward and she had no problems getting and staying pregnant after she had me.

You’re just being a deliberate contrarian. There’s no way anyone could misinterpret something so badly.

She is an absolute wanker and not a friend.

Wow, that is just so cruel, horrible. I don’t know you and I’m nearly crying over how heartless a “ friend” can be. Please block her for the sake of your mental health.
Im so sorry for your losses and I hope everything goes right for you soon. 💐