Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

Your posts are a bit confusing. On some of them you seem keen and pretty much determined to send your son to France (who may or may not have expressed a desire to do so) so that he gets "private education". Then in other posts you seem to suggest that getting 100 pounds extra per month for "extra curriculum activities" (whatever those may be) would make you happy. One is completely different than the other. Do you even know what curriculum is taught at the private French school you wish to send your son to and whether it's comparable or better or worse than the one he attends in the UK? What if you send you son to France only to find out that the private school does absolutely nothing "extra" for you son's education (as many posters here with actual experience of the French schooling system have suggested is likely the case), are you then moving him back to the UK?

You also mentioned somewhere he is academically gifted but you wouldn't/couldn't send him to grammar school as this is too far away, but France is closer? Surely the solution would be move him to the grammar school and ask his dad to pay half towards the costs of getting him there (petrol money, ubers whatever)?

I also find your comment about the dad "abandonning" his son of poor taste, considering he pays child maintenance (when legally it would be very difficult for you to make him do so), he seems to be involved (considering your child is fluent in his father's language which, I assume, you don't speak) and he spends pretty much any time he's not in school over there (as you mentioned in previous posts). Sounds like a pretty involved father to me!

Great post from @zusje

He wouldn't have been sent to a stranger, it's my child's father, he should be willing to look after our child. Why is it okay for him to leave and have my child full time, but it'd be wrong of me to do that with him? We are both parents.

I don’t think you’re necessarily unreasonable but he is right that the differences of country make a difference. His children might say to him in the future why did our older brother get to go to school in England which is so much better and quiz him on the rights and wrongs of that. Without knowing the cost and the benefits compared to your sons child it’s madness to consider sending him there. I think you need to take a step back and realise the private schools are not compatible. Should he give another £100? Maybe but how do you know that the kids in France are getting extra benefits? Your ex husband needs to explain to your son how school works in both countries. And why he’s chosen to pay for them to go to school.

I do think he has a moral obligation to spend his money equally on his three children. So if his contribution to the care of his resident children including their school fees is more than £400 pm you have reason to feel affronted. This is the only like for like comparison you can make due to the difference in costs across the two countries and that his wife may be paying towards the fees. How you would find out how much he spends on them in total I don't know, so the only thing you can really do is go through CMS.

I would be more thinking about getting your son into a Prépa school after his A levels, if you would like him to benefit from the French education later on. Your ex could look into maybe funding any educational gaps to help him sit the exams?

Nothing much to add but my DD is at private school funded by me and her DGF (my dad). My step children (all a lot older than my DD) aren't. My DH and his ex w/her DH can't afford it so they don't go.

Me paying their fees was never on the table because it would be a straight no from me. Her fees come from money I had before we got together so it's never been "family money" and has no impact on the amount of CM my DH pays.

Your exh doesn't pay the fees so it's really got nothing to do with you and you are being a stereotypical grabby ex wife

Have you given any consideration to your child's feelings in all this? Their voice is not being heard in this thread, it's all about your focus on who's getting what. You don't mention your child's feelings much at all. How are they doing at school? Are they happy? What are their aspirations and are they achievable?

She's the bitterest ex-wife in the living room
The bitterest ex-wife in the living room

So is it really about being free of your child? I can't really see what else you're gaining from it. Put the green eyed monster away most would be happy with the 400 a month plus all the school holidays free

@uneffingbelievable The OP deserves a hard time as how she has written her initial posts sounds grabby.

Also her son hasn't been "excluded".

As her son has a different parent and lives in a different country to his younger half-siblings his schooling is going to be different.

BTW I have half-siblings and a step-sibling who were privately educated. One half-sibling and a step-sibling were privately educated all the way through. The person who has done best in my family career wise is one of my younger half-brothers who was fully state educated. He has a sensible head on his shoulders, and was able to find out enough from all of us to get the best out of the state system.

Is there an option perhaps for your son to do a term in France, if it is being part of the French side of the family that he feels he is missing out on? I have lots of Irish friends who send their kids for six weeks to a term to improve their French and the kids bascially attend French collège and stay with a family.

You are being silly and feeding your child this and that’s why he is getting upset . A private school in France is nothing compared to the U.K. cost wise . He pays you child maintenance if you feel you can top it up to make up the cost to a private school you should do . Would you really send your child away to a different country ( I doubt it’s even this easy after Brexit ) to study for a year ? I what sort of mum would do this , what benefit would this bring to your child ? Or are you simply being petty ?

Also stop focusing on the private vs state education. As pps have said private school in France is totally different to private school in UK. You need to look at the actual school in France, its curriculum , its teaching style, its facilities. It may very well fall short of your son’s UK state school. French schools( not all) can be very old fashioned “chalk and talk” teaching.

Back in the day I was an au pair in France and the two older kids went to a private school. It cost very little, and I was told that it was mainly because the hours were more convenient for working parents. It is very little different from a state school.

In 2023, 28.2 per cent of Cambridge students are privately educated, leaving the other 71.8 per cent of students coming from a state school or grammar school. This is a decrease from last year when 30 per cent of Cambridge students went to private schools.
This year, 31.4 per cent of Oxford students come from a private school leaving 68.6 per cent of students state or grammar school educated.
Your child has a better chance of getting into Oxbridge from a state school

I think that would have been a good idea @Utahthecat but probably difficult now due to brexit. My cousin spent a term in french school a decade ago. But maybe private schools don’t mind as long as they are paid?
French schools and education are quite different, I was in french schools for 9 years, there’s a lot of testing, if you don’t meet the standard you have to repeat a year which is humiliating. It won’t be easiest switch to make at 13. I did the switch in the opposite direction at 15 and frankly it was a relief. I was terrified of the Baccalaureat.

Ultimately, your child with this man is going to have a very different life to his children with his new partner. In every way, and the differences will only grow as they get older. There is no law of the universe that mandates that the children of one person from two different marriages should be mirror images of each other.

Yes, they should have broadly equal opportunities as children, but that is not the same as having THE SAME opportunities. If you child has access to a good education in the UK, while his receive a good education in France, there is no inequality, there is just difference, and differences are inevitable as they have utterly different lives.

I feel like you have to let go and accept that they are part of different families, leading different lives.

I appreciate your desire for your child to continue to have a bicultural life - it's such a gift. But it sounds like he has a lot of exposure to the culture of his father already. Plus there are ample opportunities later in life for him to expand this. He may choose to go to university in France, or work there, etc.

It sounds like when you wrote this you were emotional OP rather than rational.

I'm sorry your son is going through this. I'm sure in due time and with your help and support he will get through this. I can imagine it must be hard for him to adjust to his father living in another country with his new family and all the things that come along with that.

Would it help to talk to a solicitor to see if getting more child support is feasible? Would talking to family counsellor or talking to a therapist help him work out his feelings?

respectfully OP, you seem to have no clue about the private school system and oxbridge admission.

I can categorically tell you that private school does not equate better. there are selective private schools which are amazing but they are incredibly difficult to get into and the level of engagement required following admission from both parents and students is insane. it's not a simple case of here are the fees, off you go and you can wash your hands. my brother who went to a well known private school had an admission test that lasted for three days (at year 10 to go into sixth form). we then paid 30 - 35k per year in day fees + all the other costs eg uniforms 5-6k etc. his entry into Oxford was frought because now they compare like with like so it's actually much harder to get in from these kind of schools. for example no one from his year got into law for Cambridge (and many applied) and these pupils are exceptionally gifted.

incidentally many of the children who attend this school are on scholarships. if your son is gifted, he can sit the admission tests and gain a scholarship without issues.

I myself was on a 70% scholarship many moons ago when my parents were not as well off. I can tell you it changed nothing for me as I was already on track for my grades.

my best friend went to one of the worst schools in the country and still got good grades. she is one of the top surgeons in her field in the country now. she is one of the most accomplished and intelligent humans I have ever met.

I feel like you resent something you don't understand. if you want your son to succeed, engage with his learning, find opportunities for him to succeed, help him find his strengths.

Not really because only 7% of kids are privately educated. Their success rate at Oxbridge is completely disproportionate.

the DF of ll 3 children, chooses to treat two of his DC very differently to one of his DC.

Is it really so different though? The children in France are going to a private school while the OPs child goes to a UK state school but otherwise there doesn't seem to be difference in their treatment.

The issue is that French private school is not the same as UK private school so you can't compare like for like in that measure.

When I lived abroad I worked as an English teacher at a private Catholic school in Spain, my DD was given a free place as I was a teacher there so all I had to pay was €40 for her uniform items but if I had paid fees it would have cost me €250 a month. That would have included all books (you pay for workbooks and textbooks in Spain), lunch, school bus and 2 extra curriculars a week. To send DD to a regular state school would have cost me €600 at the start of the year for her books and then about €150 a month for lunch/school bus/extra curriculars/ongoing supply costs etc so the difference in cost was negligible, the only difference between private and public is that the private school wore uniform and had slightly smaller classes (20-25 as opposed to 25-30) but otherwise the curriculum is exactly the same.

You seem more concerned with purported equity between your child and his half-siblings, than what's best for your child's education and social-emotional wellbeing. Until last summer, did you have any concerns about your child's education? Your posts contain more than a tinge of bitterness and resentment, far too much focus on "it's not faaaair" versus focusing on what's best for your child (which isn't necessarily having the same thing as his half-siblings).

I explained in a post earlier, I feel like a extra curricular activities (from sports to career focused workshops) and tutoring would be a good way to mitigate the gap between privately educated and state educated children, by uk standards. If he doesn't want our child to go there, then sending money so they can do extra here is okay - he wants to do neither, nor proposes anything.

I don't speak French at all, so even if I research, how great can you expect my understanding of their private school system to be? And upon seeing comments from people who put their kids in both types of school in France, I can understand better, and I have thanked those people. This re-enforced my satisfaction of having a little extra each month for our child's development, which I also expressed.

Regarding the grammar school, they were 10 years old when I was considering it. This is 4 years ago, my financials are different, same for their father, and they're older. I was scared to send them alone, and chaperone services were too expensive for me at the time. I have gone back to those schools last year but the wait list are so long, the best chances for enrolment are during the 11+ exams. It's not the most viable option either, if I could, I really would.

France isn't closer, but I didn't propose them to move there at age 10, they're 13 - 14 this year. They're older, and will be moving to their dad's home at age 13, almost 14, where they're accustomed to, not travelling 1-2 hours each way on their own, on public transport, at age 11. Don't you see the difference yourself?

The abandonment comment was in poor taste yes, I was just frustrated as it felt that very few were really considering my perspective properly. But, despite being in poor taste it wasn't wrong - they do feel left out of their father's and siblings' lives, hence why they want to spend a year there to be more involved. This difference will only perpetuate that in a child mind, I'm just trying to find a way to balance things for them, but their dad doesn't seem to be doing that.

I have twins - one goes to a private school the other a government school - that’s what they want to do. Honestly private is not always better than government.