Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

I can see where you’re coming from with that reasoning (of what if he wants to study in France one day) but I think it’s not that much of a discussion given he’s now a teenager. It’s not like he’s four with his entire schooling ahead of him. I haven’t read the whole thread nor even all your replies but I also assume he’s not fluent in French.

Also, if your husband was trying to make a case for him going to live with them in France, would you genuinely be happy to wave him off, only seeing him infrequently? I wonder if you’re being a bit contrary tbh OP. My husband is from abroad and the thought of us splitting and my DC going abroad fills me with dread tbh, opportunities or not.

But I’d definitely apply for maintenance through the correct procedure because it sounds like he could afford to pay a bit more potentially.

PS: as others have said there is no comparison between English and French private school systems. The French mandate of state secularism means that eg all religious schools must be private as the state cannot run religious schools, so schools are usually private where they wish to serve needs the state can't, constitutionally, meet. (International schools similarly.) It isn't the marker of eliteness and the meal ticket to privilege that we think of when we think of English private schools. That is much more the Grandes Écoles, which are the main "elite/the rest" filtration system in France's education system, aged 18+.

Are you confident that your child will get a better education in France?
If so, then push for it.
If you are ok to pay maintenance and see your child at holidays, and this is what they want, then try to talk your ex round.
Are there other reasons that you don't want your child living with you any more or is it just about schooling?

Why is it okay for him to leave and have my child full time, but it'd be wrong of me to do that with him? We are both parents.

This is so the wrong question, how desperately sad for your son. It's not okay for either parent to leave their child. But you come across as WANTING to leave your child to their other parent in order to achieve "equity". Aren't you grateful to have your son with you? Maybe you're not. Maybe you didn't want to have children - that would be a whole different issue.

There is so, so, so much more to being a parents (especially a separated or divorced one) than the child's education. Surely you know this?

I didn't mention this to them - I didn't even know about it. My child told me in August when they returned from their holidays, when they found out. It is now January, and I brought this up to their father for the first time now, as our child is still a little upset - I think seeing their siblings for new years re-opened a wound that I did wrong by not addressing the first time. For clarity, I didn't address this matter much outside of reassuring that it doesn't change much and encouraging them to discuss it more with their dad. I explained more about what the child was told in a previous post.

Thank you, Laclochette, your explanation as with many others have helped me realise this and calm down a lot.

Thank you, therealcookiemonster, for giving a clear unbiased response as to what private school can be like. I appreciate that you weren't rude, but took the time to understand the points I was trying to make and countered them with reason, and actual examples.

Most children who go to unis like Oxford, or have better paying positions as adults went to private schools. Or even when it comes to GCSE and A-level results - aren't the ones from private schools better on average?

The reality is though that both state and private end up at the same Uni's. He doesn't need to go to Oxford to be a success and many places recruit blind now anyway.. Your son is bi lingual which is already a massive asset. You and your ex have money which confers further advantage plus the fact he gets holidays over to France on a regular basis.
The fact your son feels hard done by isn't great. He's already in a privileged position but clearly doesn't see it. Doesn't bode well for future happiness.

The schooling issue is not the root issue. The child’s self worth is the issue. They are expressing wanting to join them in France as it’s seen as I want to know ‘I am important too’. Perhaps OP you’re unintentionally giving the message the new family are getting preferential treatment and your child is missing out. Is this is bringing up old feelings for you personally? Your ex’s salary is none of your business, as blunt as that sounds . Get to bottom of what the child is really upset by, not by your regrets at not getting the education you feel you missed out on. It’s tough but you are blending your issues and your child’s issues.

OP, you're trying to compare like for like.

It's not the same.
As others have pointed out, private schooling in France is absolutely nothing like private schooling in UK.
The fees are incomparable.

You just seem fixated with n like for like. We get that but the cost to you will be enormous.
You'll lose your £400 per month and you'll lose daily contact with your child.

What is it, exactly, that you're after?
Is it private education in UK? If so, you'll not get it as it's exorbitant.

This all sounds rather tit for tat.
And have you actually explained the differences in UK/France private schooling to your son?

Irrespective, if your husband's wife doesn't want him there, why would you consider sending him there?

I presume he has a French passport....he could go to the Sorbonne for free!!!

Agree - as I said earlier in a previous post it could be unintentional but both the op and ex need to be careful that they don't have a child that becomes resentful because ultimately they feel abandoned - it was not long between the birth of op's child and new wife's child. So I feel there may be a back story we don't know about.

all the advantages afforded to children in private schools? From eduction, to extra curricular, to networking and so much more. Most children who go to unis like Oxford, or have better paying positions as adults went to private schools. Or even when it comes to GCSE and A-level results

This is not really applicable to a French private school (I’m French, with DC in a private school in the UK).
I wonder if you and your DS don’t realize to what extent the systems are different.

• Way cheaper in France, not comparable to here
• therefore less of a « class marker ».
• The networking aspect is also not comparable. Lots of people in the UK have lifelong friends from their secondary school years whereas this is less the case in France. There is are no alumni clubs.
• When applying to Uni or even applying for jobs, nobody cares where you went for secondary.

All this to say that it is not just about the cost. French private doesn’t really give an advantage in life compared to state.

Keeping this in mind, why would you even consider shipping off your son to another country?? From an outside POV it seems like a petty move out of spite.
And the asking for more money just because of the school the children go to - just doesn’t make any sense.

What they choose to do for their children is none of your business. He pays you child support, use it for private school. You have no right to make demands on him and his wife because of a choice they made for their children

I agree with your comment with self-worth being the root issue - I addressed this in my comment on page 9. You're correct in implying that putting a bandage over it, by only addressing the secondary problem of schooling, is a lazy fix. But I have said that I am trying, my best, especially with another parent who seems to think there isn't an issue. I think I'm trying to stop the problem by compounding, in a way that is disagreeable to most.

This is a very valid point.

@1Rebecca sorry I don't understand the grammar issue. Did you not live in the areas? My boys weren't tutored (Kent) and sat the test. I am not sure what you mean by chaperones etc?

I can see both sides

However your ex needs to realise that HIS child feels he is being unfairly treated compared to his half siblings and how is he going to manage that? Does he really wanted his eldest son to hate him? As that’s where this could head

I can see both sides

However your ex needs to realise that HIS child feels he is being unfairly treated compared to his half siblings and how is he going to manage that? Does he really wanted his eldest son to hate him? As that’s where this could head

I’m in France. My son attends a private bilingual school. It’s hors contrat, so no govt funding at all. It costs less than €10k a year …… much less than private schools in the UK. The sous contrat schools will be much, much less. You’re comparing apples with oranges here. Plus the school systems is very different to that of the UK, and could really be detrimental to your child. We get insane amounts of homework and very little time for socialising.

Would you really strip your teenager away from their friends and school, not to say you, just to prove a point?

I would just like to highlight the possibility of issues with third level depending on length of time your child could fall between two stools regarding funding.

You asked him to take your son? Schooling matters more than having him with you?

I've not read the whole thread so not sure if anyone has mentioned that you can sit a 13+ exam to gain entry into a Grammar school. Would you allow your DS to undertake the 1 hour journey now he is older

I'd never have a kid of mine go to a private school in the UK. No idea what they're like in France, but in the UK they just churn out people who have no idea how they come across to other people - completely lacking in self-awareness. Unable to actually problem solve, always either awkward or arrogant communication, no concept of the real world. You can spot them a mile off.

Well, the mixed grammar schools closest to us are 1h-1h30 away from where we live via public transport.

I could've gotten Uber, or school chaperone service, to make the journey shorter/safer, but I couldn't afford it at the time our child was 11. Now that I can afford it, the waiting lists are long and it's much more competitive.

Separately, I was hoping to get them enrolled at a grammar school for sixth form - this was the main plan before I found out about the private school and realising how upset our child was. But I think extra support from the father, alongside the original plan, is the best option now after all the replies.