Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

You need to find out how much private schooling in France costs before you feel hard done by. If it’s £400 or less per month then you definitely need to let it go

Why? £400 a month is child maintenance, not school fees. It doesn't have to be either or. A UK court might make an order for school fees whilst divorcing. Child maintenance would be on top.

Your child doesn't need a private school education and you sound pretty grabby expecting him to pay for one

What? It's OK for the ex's additional children but not the OP's? How does that work? And yeah, the usual shite, shame women into submission using nasty words like 'grabby' rather than recognise that while it is always difficult to treat children the same, there is some disparity going on here and the worse-off child is unhappy.

I understand, Bookworm20.

It's clearly in response to people asking why I valued private education, as have you - it's a response to the "why."

And let me tell you for the umpteenth time, I am okay with extra child support to use to have our child do what ever extra-curricular(s) of their choice and tutoring - private school isn't necessary in this case. The matter is that the father thinks that he doesn't need to do anything at all to help the situation. I have proposed solutions and Im being told no to all of them. Granted I didn't explain to him why I need the extra CM (nor did he ask) in the moment, as I was frustrated, but it doesn't change the fact that he's not for not even trying to rectify anything. If his wife was paying half or more, I wouldn't ask him for more - but since he can afford most of it, he can afford the extra £100.

OP it is like you heard ‘private school’ and blew your top with outrage, without looking into it or understanding the differences. And then you egged your son on to feel more upset and hard done by.

Of course it’s hard for him to see his dad start an exciting new life with a new family
elsewhere. But as a parent it’s your job to help keep your son calm. To help him accept the pros of staying here. To listen but help him with his feelings of resentment. Whatever your own feelings (which may be justified), it’s your role or support your son make peace with the current situation. Not rile him up more and upset him further.

The children are in different households in different situations, in different countries, her son may not understand that French private school is NOT the same as private school in the UK.

OP, you have a very parochial, UK-centric view of private education. In the US, there are good private schools, bad private schools, and everything in between. Also, going to private school in the US does not necessarily offer an advantage for getting into top universities. A great student from an average to poor school district statistically has the best chance of all at getting into an Ivy.

Yep.

OP, you should prob familiarise yourself with the massive difference in terms of costs to attend university between the UK and France also, for when that time comes.

My ex‘s parents paid for his step children to go to private school, but not our ds (because he as destined to
be thick like me, you see, that was the reasoning). Now that’s fucked up.

You are going to have to let this go OP. Nothing you can do about it, you’ll only wind yourself up.

French private school is VERY cheap.

Please, Highball, please read my replies to this post, then come up with an appropriate response. Sorry to be petty, but it's like you didn't consider that with all the replies this post has, that these points/questions would be made already, and that I would've addressed many of them to the best of my ability. It's not just you, it's many others, but you happened to be the one I responded to.

Is your husband french?

You refer to "siblings and cousins". Who are the cousins? Do you mean the cousins of your son's half siblings?

Or does he have other family over there?

I asked earlier, and i apologise if i missed your reply, but how is your child doing in school now?

OP = I think you are being given a hard time.
Some valis points from people but at the end of the day the DF of ll 3 children, chooses to treat two of his DC very differently to one of his DC. If he has not explained the reasons to the excluded child then he should do.
He made an assumption that UK private was not affordable but did not co parent properly with you and see where you stood on the matter or whether you could afford your share of the fees.

EX needs to explain things to yourDC who I take from your post is a young teen

Well I would not want to ship my child off to France during each and every term just so that I could thumb my nose at my ex.

What will you do if your ex-H gives the kids in France moules frites for dinner tonight, but you give your son Bachelor's Supernoodles?

Is that unfair too?

Make sure you point it out to your son to see if he's upset about that, too.

Yes I understand that, as I mentioned before, the fees my ex pays is around £5-10k per child, which are the numbers he gave. I also understand that public universities in France cost much less - which if our son wants to study there debt fee, wouldn't it be better for him to acclimate himself with the educational standard there?

So much is wrong with your perception OP. I live in France and my kids have both been in private school and now 1 is private, 1 is state.

1. if a private school is charging 5-10k it is probably not funded by the state (unless a bilingual school). So does not have to follow the curriculum. And the state isn't funding the teachers. I would never send my kids to a non state curriculum school.

2. for my 12 year old I pay 123 euros a month, not including the cantine. Incomparable with England. When my kids were in one of the best private schools in the country (according to A level results) we paid 1000-1200 euros a year per child for the primary years.

3. there are no free extra curricular activities. There are a few paying ones but not many. Our primary offered fencing, chess, table tennis and judo. They didn't even have swimming lessons!

4. being in private makes no difference to class sizes. From my experience class sizes are actually smaller in state schools. At private primary there were 29-32 kids per class. DS2s state school has 20!

5. there is no networking benefit. That comes at 18+ depending on where you study

6. my experience is the private schools are stricter, work the kids a LOT harder, often leading to MH struggles and a huge amount of pressure. There is also the Catholic teaching side which takes a fair amount of time

7. private schools are better than state when teachers etc. are on strike.

Yes, he is fully French. The cousins are his shared cousins with his siblings, they are the nieces/nephews of my ex. His wife isn't French.

@1Rebecca in light of his French family, I agree it would be great for him to spend some time living over there.

But not now.

Separate out the issues. Forget the private school issues, it's too different to compare.

You’re assuming the private school in France costs the same as in the UK but most likely not. Private schools in France cash a lot less than in the UK.

And @1Rebecca wanting to send her child tk France for the school year jail so he can also go to private school is so stupid and dumb. Why would her ex H agree to look after her child for the full school year?

so OP is really willing to send her child away for most of the year just to get even???

His dad may not be treating them "very differently" if the French Private school is typical of one in Europe (usually Catholic and very affordable).

The OP said she had also asked for more CS without explaining why, which she said she wanted to put toward extra curricula activities for her son. Can the parents not come to a reasonable compromise here maybe the dad contributes to an extra activity in the UK? It would also make sense for the OP to invest in his secondary education in various ways (tutoring, extra curricula).if he goes to free (or very low-cost) uni in an EU nation.

What has your son actually said @1Rebecca ? What is his current experience of school?

Lots of variables here that make your expectations unreasonable - the local state school in France may be a cesspit, whereas you’ve not expressed any concerns over your DC’s school. French private school fees are a fraction of Uk fees - anywhere bet EU2500-10,000 a year so, if the new wife is using savings and some of her income, contributions from her family, the chances are ExH is not paying much more than the £400 he pays you.

Why would you think that the private French school is better for your DS (is he fluent in French? Is he unhappy at school in the UK, does he have friends and clubs he belongs to here?) and why would you want to send your DC away to another country, to live in another woman’s home for 9m a year just because you are piqued his second family are getting a ‘private’ education - one that may not actually be any better than what he gets here?

That you’ve not managed this down for your 13yo son and explained in practical terms that education (and life) is different in France and that his half siblings have two parents paying into the pot to give them an education comparable to what he is getting here, on the state, is on you. You should have explained that it does not reflect ExH feelings for him. Not least, his second children will likely get a free university education in France, but ExH will have to cough up for your DS. Ie he’ll get his share.

I appreciate your response, and how you've clearly listed the differences to me without being rude. I can understand clearly, that the benefits are from private/grammar school isn't afforded to children in France. It is very possible that my ex gave those numbers, as it's what it costs per term here, for emphasis. Someone said it is better to not be conclusive until I know the school for certain and I agree. Though, I think if he can afford an extra £2k for his kids' schooling, he can spare £100 extra a month for the extra activities I mentioned earlier. I'll explain the differences in private education here and in France to my child, when I speak to them properly.

For the love of god, OP, please don't push for your son to go and study in France at this age. The French Brevet (the GCSE equivalent of sorts, though not really) is usually sat at the age of 14 and changing school systems is too brutal!

I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself. You sound bitter. Are you jealous of your ex’s new life?
Why would your son be so upset? Is it because you are expressing your views in front of him?

^^100%
If you’re so hellbent on your DS going to a French private school then move to France.
Until your exH told you of his plans I bet you’d never even considered it, had you?
I actually feel sorry for your DS if he’s going to have his live unfavourably compared with his half siblings from here on in.
i bet your DS had never considered it either until you started planting the idea in his mind.